"Sunsetty Auras"

People always have a motive. (Wait! I've heard that before.) Why else do people hang out with you? Think about it! I'm not saying it's always negative, but there is always something they're after. After hanging out with an amazing man the past little while we've discussed this. All I want is to be happy. I hang out with the (minimal) people I hang out with because they're pretty much always happy. I don't like negativity, it's just a horrible feeling. Reminds me of the girl from Baby Mama who can ready peoples Aura's, "It's sunsetty, kinda like a sunset." Those are the people I like to be around. Like I always say, "Just be happy and remember that going through life isn't an option. If you're going to do it anyways, just smile and bare it, rather than make everyone else's lives miserable." 

Smile, it's all only temporary. =) 

LIFE

I met up with my friend Omri from high school the other day for lunch. It was really fun to meet up with someone I haven't seen for a couple years. It also reminded me why I loved Itineris so much. Also, why I am a Libertarian, why I want world peace and why I am the way I am. I'm a fun loving person, can't say I don't flip people off once in a while. I also won't say I don't have some road rage. It's crazy how I can have road rage when I know what can happen in road rage incidents, I promise I keep it under control. Life is beautiful. Truly a wonderful thing. Though the world is a very sad place. Why is it that in America we take so many things for granted? Omri went back to the Philippines, which is a third world country. He said it reminded him of what was most important and that's family. The basic necessities is all they need there. It reminded me that I don't need half of the things I have. They seem like basic necessities but who needs 20 pens? A zillion pairs of shoes? Tons of lotions and perfumes, shampoo bottles, purses, wallets, etc. It's just frilly things that don't even matter. But, I am an American and it's just what I like. I wish I could just see the bigger picture all the time. Until then, I'll just try to see it as often as I can.

peace & love. f'real.  

The journey that will never be forgotten.

I remember the day I got my Halo off -  December 26th 2007 it was first thing in the morning.

The day before my halo was extremely loose. I spent the night (Christmas Night) with pillows under my chin on the back of the red recliner in my wheelchair. Blood was streaming from the sites where it was screwed into my skull and every time I moved I was in such excruciating pain. Getting into my mom's van that morning was the worst and then the drive was horrible, which also seemed like hours. When I got back in a room Dr. Patel came in really excited and said well, "Kasandra you know what this means? This means that all the swelling has gone down and you no longer need this halo. First, he put on a neck brace because I hadn't used any neck muscles since November 14th 2007. After this I don't remember much of the taking off except for the pressure. But what I had gone through, this was minimal pain.

I remember the day I got my neck brace off - February 4th 2008, it was mid-day (and my 17th birthday).

These two days were the best days of my life.

On November 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that left me dead on the scene. I had a broken neck, broken pelvis, broken ribs, fractures in my back, and brain trauma. I was in SICU, moved to ICU and then to Rehab in Murray, Utah at IMC. I'm beyond blessed for Dr. Alpesh Patel and Dr. Erik Kubiak not to mention the trauma team, life flight, Pat Killian, all my friends, family, acquaintanceships, thoughts and prayers not to mention my own guardian angel whoever that may be.

I Love You

When someone says I love you it's those three words that mean most to a lot of people. Love is different depending on who is using it. If it's your grandma or grandpa you know they mean it. If it's your brother or sister you know they usually mean it unless, they want something. When your parents say I love you, you know they mean it. Or else you are about to get a talk about something. 

I love a lot of things; football, fall, music, social work, people, working out, dr. pepper, water, food, ice cream, chocolate, cookies, rainbows, dogs, the color yellow and the color red, cleaning, perfume, sun glasses, shopping, purses, shoes, cute jeans, cute outfits, jewelry, when I have a great hair day, money, flowers, etc. 

But love, the romantic love . . . I don't think I've honestly ever been in love. If I was ever truly in love with someone wouldn't I have remembered? I don't remember many guys I've dated. It could be do to the trauma to my brain but it could be that I never really was into them. When you love someone you genuinely want the best for that person, I've wished horrible things on some boyfriends. These boyfriends I had said I love you to so I just don't think I was ever really in love. I want to be a snot and act like it makes me sick when I see others hugging, kissing and holding hands in public but it just makes me melt. I adore it. 

Next Goal In Life pt. 1

I want to find a beautiful masterpiece that depicts my life. My drawings/paintings/sketches when I was little were cute and I still draw just like that little kid. In middle school I took art classes from Mr. Rogers out in the shop and I wasn't any better then that little kid. I quickly shifted to choir, where I met some of the best people in the world. Even though I cried before most performances because of nerves I LOVED it more than anything. In high school I continued my choir adventure though it ended when I went to Itineris my junior year. I missed it terribly. I told myself when I got to the U I needed to join their choir. The problem is I don't remember how to read music, I haven't read music since my sophomore year and I would just fail miserably. So, at this point I'm thinking since I have long forgotten how to play the guitar and keyboard, I can't sing, I can't write, I can only draw like a little kid I need to make myself a masterpiece or FIND this masterpiece that depicts my life. I'm searching high and low and my soul is too!

You go hide and I'll come seek and maybe someday in the middle we just might meet.

"You don't get to choose, you just fall."

Maybe he means a little more to me than most people, too soon. But they say lust does crazy things to you, they also say love makes you do even crazier things. Going against what everyone says you're supposed to do. Being happy every second of everyday, even when you're sick. To never get tired of a person after being so alone for so long, that says something. After me and Breanna were no longer friends that's when I had to realize it's okay to be alone, and not alone in terms of depression. But alone; I had to learn how to listen to music on my own, sing on my own, dance on my own, get coffee on my own, go on my own little adventures, just learn how to be a person of my own. All's I can say is he's amazing and he's making me feel alive. If this lasts a month, a year or 100 years I'm willing to fight for it. I'm willing to be all he needs. 

I won't deny that I'm a little scared, and that I still have some guards up, but wouldn't I be stupid not to? I think he's scared to. In fact I know he's scared, why should he be? He would be stupid not to be scared. Love is a scary thing but once he knows it, and once I know it I think that's going to be the most beautiful part. Until we both know, I will enjoy this ride. At least I know this time he won't hurt me just for fun. He's an adult, an actual man. A man I know that would actually take care of me if that's what it came down to, even this soon. Though, he knows I don't need his help he still offers and even brought me food today because I'm sick and can't keep much down. He's a sweet-heart, he's articulate, romantic, smart, genuine and polite. I appreciate him for who he is and love that he let me in so easily. 

I'm in fate's hands. And for once, I'm fine with it. 

Legitimate Fears

The Dark - Nyctophobia
I own night lights. I'm content with admitting this. I even have to turn every light on in the apartment before going to bed. Then I turn one by one out, which lead to my bedroom. Before I can turn my bedroom one out I check under my bed and my closets. I don't think it's a matter of the dark but it's what could be in the dark. 


Failure - Atychiphobia
I think it's more that I'm a perfectionist and I don't want anyone to see my flaws. If you fail, to me, it seems as though someone is lazy. Especially in the cases where I have actually failed. I don't like lazy people so, me failing is everyone knowing I'm lazy.


Dancing - Chorophobia
I only know the shower dance. I learned it at Asheleigh's Quince. I did it at every dance I ever went to in high school. At Senior Prom (at (Itineris it was senior and junior prom, but it was my senior year) Sam Fisher tried teaching me how to Waltz, scariest thing I ever did!


Flooding - Antlophobia
In Utah all they keep talking about is flooding. I see what's going on in Tennessee and Mississippi and I'm so scared that's going to happen. I'm not worried about the deaths. I'm worried about everything I've worked so hard for being demolished. And what would I do for school?


Spiders -Arachnophobia
In previous blog's I've spoken about encounters with spiders. They FREAK me out. I see them in my shower all the time. It's like they see me and run because they know it's only a matter of time before bleach is going to be poored on them, they're going to be washed down the drain or I'm putting a shoe on to squash them.


Bad Breath - Halitophobia
I'm constantly chewing gum. I'm so worried my breath stinks, it's not even funny. If I ask you if you want a piece it's not because I think your breath stinks (usually) but because I think my breath might stink. So don't get too offended. 

Never Give Up

Tonight my mother graduated. She went to school to become a dental assistant. She always thought she was stupid. She always thought she wasn't ever going to do any higher education. But she did it. You know all those commercials mid-day from ITT-Tech, Etc, when they say, "If I can do it, you can do it!"? Well, it's true with my mom. If she can do it anyone can do it. I'm not saying this because she's not good enough but because of everything and everyone being against her. It's as if people didn't want to see a person who screwed up her life multiple times, succeed. That's a strong woman. I cried. I actually cried for my mother because she was so proud of herself. That emotion I felt doesn't even have a word and proud is not even close.

A speaker spoke as they do at every graduation, and he said. Never give up about a million times in his speech. It stuck to me. He said you're going to hit brick walls. I already have so many times. Not only was he speaking to those college graduates but he was speaking to me whether he knew it or not. I have another year (four semesters) until I will graduate with my bachelors. Maybe longer if I go for my masters . . . I'm going to never give up. Like he also said, "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." It's true, our brains are so powerful.

Even if life sucks I just have to put on a dress and twirl and it makes everything so much better. <3

One Day My Prince Will Come

Well, here I am with my heart in even smaller pieces. Why do I trust so much? I mean really? I think it's a gene I got when I was born. More like a curse. What sucks even more, is it's going to happen again. And I can't stop it from happening.

One day my prince will come, until then I'll wait.

Thank the Lord (Allah, Buddha, etc.)

Today I was being interviewed to be on a show called "I survived ..." well the lady asked me so many questions to quite a few I cried. I can't believe how talking about it (my accident) makes me tear up. It didn't at first but right now I'm crying and amazed at how blessed I am. The Lord (Buddah, Allah, etc) won't let me fail. He won't let me struggle too hard before he/she comes in and helps me out!

For instance, I was worried I would be struggling really bad this summer with finances. I need to re-take a course I failed my first semester at the U. Well, that cost me 1,300 dollars plus I had to pay for the book. Which was another 75 dollars. My grandpa came to the rescue on that one, he's my bank and luckily I don't have to pay back interest. Mind you I still have to pay all my bills; rent, electric, gas, internet/cable, food, gas for my car, insurance, phone, and my monthly prescriptions. I then get a letter from the IRS stating I owe them money I already paid. It went like this; Kasandra wrote a check, Kasandra sent in the check via the mail woman, Kasandra got a check back from the IRS, Kasandra got a letter stating you need to give us that money back! Okay, government figure it out! AND I have to pay interest on it. Aggravating!!! Then I get this huge medical bill. Okay, at this point I wanted to give up. Well, my boss called me and asked if I wanted 10 more hours. What do you think I said? You're right, I said of course! So now, I can breathe a little better.

I understand I took on all this responsibility, and I wasn't complaining or unloading in my blog . . . I'm just saying how blessed I am. They say the Lord (Allah, Buddha, etc.) won't give you more than you can handle. It's true. I told someone recently that I can understand why my family won't help me first off when I'm having financial difficulties. But if I'm working my hardest, and still can't make it I don't know why they can't help me. (Primarily speaking of my father) You know what the Lord (Allah, Buddha, etc.) did? He helped me out because he saw no one else was able/willing to. In ending all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus! (though I prefer to call him baby Jesus) F'real.

peace & love.

Flooding & Blinkers

I don't appreciate it when others make fun of things I'm truly worried about. I know my family didn't mean anything by it when they said we'll have to go and get you floaties, or a life raft. I know it's all in fun. But I'm genuinely worried about flooding. People look at me and laugh as if it's a joke, but I'm very serious. I almost cry even when I tell others I'm scared. Maybe it isn't something to worry about . . . maybe all will be fine, but until then I'll worry and have restless nights.

Also, when you turn your blinker on to get in another lane, once you're in that lane please turn your blinker off.

peace & love.

Simple As It Should Be

"This is so good, there's no need for change. It's alright by me, it's as simple as it should be."

I just felt beautiful, so beautiful when he looked at me. We search for love. Some of us longer than others. No, don't worry I'm not in love nor do I think I am. (Though I'm not opposed to this idea.) But of course I want it, like all other human beings. Whether people admit it or not is another story. You know the feeling before Christmas morning when you were under the age of 12, yeah . . . that's how I felt last night, when I was sleeping, when I woke up, when I was at the gym, when I was at the store, when I walked in from my car and right now and it still hasn't left me. I got five hours of sleep because we hung out until 4:00 AM, fell asleep at 4:30 AM, woke up at 8:15AM and I went to the gym at 9:00 AM, and I'm in a great mood. Which is super weird, this is so unlike me. I hope it doesn't leave for a while. I've missed this feeling. (:

Unwanted Mail . . .

What did I do today you ask? I took all my "ads" in my mailbox and put, return to sender address unknown. I hope they get the point and I don't receive anymore ads! I could care less about them and they just piss me off! I want reliable mail, not crap. I also got a bill and a letter from the IRS that I have yet to open, guaranteed it's just bad news and I don't have time for that right now.

Also, another tad-bit about my mail woman! She stuffed my summer class book in my mailbox, literally stuffed it in there! I opened the cover of the mailbox and was at first excited until I couldn't get it out. Not to mention I was pissed that all those ads were in there! Well, this guy comes along, super cute by the way, and he tries helping me and says sorry but I have to go. So, here I am wanting my freaking book out of my mailbox and it won't come out. Well, I go inside and grab my scissors and start cutting this package inside my mailbox ... I bet I looked like a freak! (:

Social Work Peeps (:

You know when you meet someone new and you just think to yourself. "Oh man what am I getting myself into?" or "I hope I'm just good enough for them." That's how I felt this first semester at the U's College of Social Work. I can't tell you how AMAZING each individual is. First and foremost, Tay! Oh my goodness this kid is the sweetest guy I've ever met. Though he makes fun of everyone, including me, he's beyond great. Kaitlin! She is a vegetarian and has a super cute style. She also told me that gelatin comes from hooves of a cow so she doesn't eat anything with gelatin in it. (:  Tania is my bestie! We went to sushi together and since then she calls me her best friend, psychotic a little. (: I love her. Amanda, this girl is fantastic. She can never get to class on time, I save her ass half the time and she's a foodie with amazing peacock earings (: Oh and she loves wine! Everyone else of course is amazing, but I can't remember all their names. I suck at life sometimes. But, there are a million of them. Not really only like 40 total.

<3

One Love. One Heart. Let's get together now and we can feel alright.

 ☮ &  ♥  




When 911 happened I had no idea what was going on. I just knew it was a very sad day and that it was as if the whole world had shattered, at least in America. Though, on the other side of the world it was a party. It was a great success, it was exactly what Bin Laden hoped and dreamed for a very long time. In Western society we want others to think, talk and be this Anglo-Saxon, patriarchal, Christian society. 


Who's to say America is right? Who's to say America is wrong? I've found things in my own country I hate. I literally hate that I'm a woman and I'll never be as good as a man. I hate that people have to try and assimilate to be in this melting pot when it's never going to happen. I hate how they promise an American Dream when the only way to get that is through money and you have to jump through a million holes just to barely get your Bachelor's Degree and you still have to pay back all the loans. When you're going to school to become a hard working citizen. (Being a social work major I shouldn't say the following . . . but I'm going to.) While people sit at home and get welfare and food stamps, I work a minimum wage job to pay; my rent, on my own; my insurance payment, on my own; my phone bill, on my own; my electricity, gas, renters insurance and food, on my own; not to mention paying 50.00 a week in gas for my vehicle. While these people sit at home and do nothing and get money they never have to pay back, ever. Now, I'm a liberal. I'm no where near conservative but I just think it's a joke anymore. I guess I'll just continue to pull myself up by my boot straps. 


On to what I initially started to blog about. So, we got Bin Laden. Now there is talk of putting the photos and video out or not putting the photos and video out. I listened to the head of the CIA in a interview on MSNBC and when you have multiple people with power, who have no reason to lie, except for maybe money, why wouldn't you believe them? Not only the president, not only the CIA, not only the S.E.A.L.'s but also other news reporters around the world and governments around the world ... I mean I guess I just have more trust in people than most. I believe all these reputable sources. He's dead . . . now let's get the rest of the Taliban and peace out. I know it's more difficult than that, but really let's move on.


peace & love.  

Sunflower Seeds & Song Lyrics

I've never been one that's been too great at expressing feelings through words, I guess that explains why I hide behind such beautiful song lyrics. 


"You've got the best of both worlds. You're the kind of girl who can take down a man and lift him back up again. You are strong but you're needy. Humble but your greedy. Based on your language and shotty cursive I've been reading. Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather wreck-less. Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. Hey, what a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in, dresses."


I mean, honestly it's just beautiful. It makes me think of a nice summer day just eating some sunflower seeds. Yeah, I said it I eat sunflower seeds. I don't care how un-lady like you think it is! They're delicious until you get a nasty one. I guess it's kind of like slot machines. You put a coin in - nothing. You put a coin in - nothing. You put a coin in -nothing. You put a coin in - nothing. You put a coin in - JACKPOT! That jackpot is the amazing delicious seed that you love so much so you put another coin in - nothing. You put another coin in -nothing. Until you hit jackpot all over again. (:


peace and love. (: