Discovery.

My life has been short, very short, in this earthly estate. And though it has been a very short time, it has been very meaningful. It has taught me a lot, and has been beyond beautiful. I love life, and if it weren't for selfless moments serving others, I wouldn't have found myself. 

Losing yourself in serving others brings great join into our lives. I encourage anyone who reads this to really lose yourself in the service of another, to feel that true love, which will assist you in loving and finding the best in yourself as a fellow human being on this planet. 

Smile, because it's all only temporary :) 

To The Sky

TO THE SKY

this is for the girl who just got in another fight with her parents
another night just staring at the ceiling
feeling like there's no one that really cares if she's there or not
she's got friends and enemies, trends and envy, gets compared a lot
for the girl under pressure
her boyfriend will think less if
she doesn't sext him the message
about to give it all up
man these boys and man these poisons
so many choices & voices - why is it on us?
for any girl that ever thought she didn't fit in
or was mocked for religion, or ever thought to stop living
for the girl so rich that she'd sport nothing short of a Benz
for the girl so poor she couldn't afford the rims
for the girl by the candlelight
trying to hold the camera right
gotta get the angle right
this facebook candid has gotta be off the handle right?
things would be grand if like she only had the life
this is for the jealous
for the wannabe Bellas, Britneys, Kardashians
Kate Middletons, Beyonces
soul surfers and soul searchers
wondering about the whole purpose of this so-called life
what's my sole purpose? nothing ever goes right
for the girl reading the script on the elliptical at LA Fitness til they close
for the girl buying clothes like they're going out of style
for the girl running alone
for the girl coming home that hasn't been home in a while

lift your head
lift your eyes to the sky
it spells your name
lift your feet
your heart, and start to believe
you're meant to dream big dreams

for every awkward stance at every awkward dance
every awkward glance longing for him to approach her
but he just walks past with friends, put the cap on the lens
the last song ends and the last door closes
for any girl hoping for roses but getting dirt
hoping to be noticed or hoping to get over getting hurt
this is for the unspoken, for the ones broken
just trying to hold on to hope when things are only getting worse
for the girl going through a divorce
the wife or the daughter, for the girl with no father
no prospects and no options
for the locker room girl, for the thoughtful girl
for every been through a lot girl (I see you)
for the single mom pushing the stroller uphill
both ways she knows pain she holds face but still
she's fighting back tears, been a mighty bad year
dreams as a child never looked quite like what I have here
for the girl with regrets, neglecting self-respect
for the girl giving everything until she's got nothing left
for the girl reminiscing on what could have been
for the girl settling cuz there's not enough good men
for the girl with the perfect life
husband and kids, everything working right
for the girl that's wondering if that stuff exists
this is for the lonely
for the girl searching for something
and wondering what that something is

I'm only a man I can only imagine what you go through
just want you to understand this image - there's no limit to the finish that you can go to
what if I told you that you hold the torch?
you're the source, you're the lantern
to hold men to a higher standard
you hold the power
in this stampede through the orchard you're the hope for the flowers
you're the sunshine you're the rain
you make everything more beautiful
without you music wouldn't be musical
poems wouldn't be poetic
you set the tone
you possess strength you've never known, forever glowing
like a precious stone in the evening, the best achievement of eden
when I say you're never alone - I really mean it
when you're dreaming keep believing it'll be true
keep the persistence, conviction, and the vision to see it through
keep improving on yourself, know that every time you
are wishing you were someone else, someone's wishing to be you
so take control and own it
one day he's gonna ask you to dance
and when he does he'll be worthy of the moment
time frozen like a broken iphone and
on some Jill Scott notion living life like it's golden
you are amazing
i wish i could put a mirror in the sky so you can see you when you're star gazing
shining your divine nature, you're fine aint you?
in his greatest landscapes Monet couldn't paint you
I admire your radiance, hope you never hold it back when
they come to attack it
I guess the plan is to damage the perfect workmanship
your body is a temple
they attempt to burn it down so there's nothing left to worship in
these words inadequate to say nothing exceeds you
I'm sorry it's way long, that's how much time that I needed to
explain why I believe in you, I hope that you proceed to
stay strong and be you
please, we need you

http://www.qwiet.com/lyrics/#/_music/MOR/lyrics/ToTheSky

First Day of Counseling

Luckily there was a comfy couch cushion to comfort the bad and to cradle the good. As I sat there in an idle state, as my life rushed past me at speeds I cannot even comprehend. 

To come to terms with ideas, and realize my life isn't as much of a piece of cake as I had covered it up to be. To realize, yet not accept, I don't have to be as perfect as feel I need to be. 

As I explained to the social worker, that wasn't much older than me, things I wanted to understand about myself. I just spewed out things I have kept to myself for much of my life. 

My hope is that this jig-saw puzzle of a life can be put together, framed and hung. That all these pieces I give her can assist me in my road map to where I want to be. That I can face my inner demons, and express emotions I have tied down for a very long time.

One thing I will not be ashamed of, is the fact that I asked for help, someone listened, and followed through. I have asked people whom I trust, and love for help and they have agreed, but then take back that agreement like it never existed. Today I put together two pieces of my puzzle. I finally figured out why I have such a hard time asking for help, because when I do, it's always a let down. 

I am no longer anxious, as I thought I would be. I cannot wait to be set free, completely unchained. It will be a glorious day. 

Jesus Christ

Sometimes you may want to give up, but I plead with you, do not.

Life has something more to offer you. 

Just breathe, and let it all go.

Give some, and take some. 

I plead with you. 

With my pleading comes

all my love, and patience.

I give you all of my heart

and all of my soul.

I will talk you through,

as you ponder.

I will walk with you,

as you have courage to do my will.

I will hold your hand,

as you follow with a pure heart, 

and doing so in faith.

. . . the God I once didn't believe in.

Having been a member of the LDS church for five years, is beautiful. I have grown in leaps and bounds. Not only does this happen as we get older, but I luckily have had God at my side the entire time, the God I once didn't believe in. I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, and that He not only died for me; but for everyone in this earthly state. I have a testimony that the Atonement is real, and that through the Atonement I will one day be able to live with Them again. I have seen the beauty of it's workings not only in my life, but in the lives of others. I have felt the love which the Atonement carries. I know that Jesus Christ has felt every happy, sad, confused, and angry feeling you, or I have ever felt. I have a testimony that Joseph Smith restored the gospel in all of it's purity, and that it is the true church on earth, today. I have a testimony of the late President Gordon B. Hinckley, that he was a prophet called of God, and that through his words he inspired me to search, ponder, and do so prayerfully. Not only has all of this been testified unto me those eight months I prepared to become a member of His church. But, also testified unto me every time I stood up at the podium in my home ward and talked from my heart, and from my soul. I now have a testimony that President Thomas S. Manson is a prophet of God, and that as he leads us with God and Jesus we must be obedient. The beauty of my growth is amazing, and I'm happy to say our Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ are at my side - at all of our sides, always. These five years have not been easy, they have been amazingly hard. The testimony that I now hold will never fail me. All I can ask is for us all to prayerfully, and with sincere heart call upon Them whenever we feel as though we are in need of Their love, and have faith in all things. Amen.

No Title.

I honestly didn't think/know I had a breaking point. 

The moment you break or snap; at that solid moment you know exactly what you are doing, you know exactly what you are feeling, and you know there will be some sort of repercussion. BUT, at that point your body and mind take control over you. You cannot stop whatever action it is that you are doing.

The worst part is that you never snap, or break at the people you need to break or snap at either. It is the latest person that said something, that yesterday, you would have laughed about.

Your blood pressure rises, and you are full of rage and anger. You want to cry, but cannot. You want to scream, but cannot. And when you are a passive-aggressive person it is even harder, because people ask you why you did what you did and it angers enrages you 10x more. Though, you have no strength to speak the truth, to cry, or to have any emotion. You say "because I wanted to", because any other reason sounds ridiculous. Even though all those ridiculous reasons are the reasons why.

It takes you 20 minutes to calm your breathing, get your mind in the right place, to regain strength, so that like-an-ass you can apologize for reasons unknown to you. You don't know why you did it, and you don't know why you're sorry, because for a brief moment you weren't yourself by any means.



Being in the worst physical pain of your life, and not knowing what that truly means.
A guy who told me so many things, and promised so many things, didn't have ANYTHING to say to me when given the chance.
Feeling as though no one is on your side, ever.
Not knowing your future.
Not feeling like yourself.
Yet, being a strong woman, attempting to handle it all yourself.
Oh yeah, and the lack/loss of endorphin's which were your only best friend for the past 3 years. The only thing that made me happy, without some form of man made chemical doing it for me.