Ho! Ho! Ho!

Today is Christmas, yay! It's funny as how a kid you cannot sleep because the magic of Christmas is so beautiful. You eventually get to sleep, and before you know it you're aching to see what Santa Claus and his reindeer have brought you. You tip-toe out to the tree to see your new boom box with N'SYNC and Britney Spears' new CD, your new bike (even though it's winter), you hear a cell phone ringing (the one you begged your grandparents for). 

This morning, I'm up and there is a 50" LCD Flat Screen Television, and a Soda Stream out from Santa, neither of which are mine, but I know mine is somewhere. I know what it is, because my mom made sure it was what I wanted. My stocking is leaning on the television, and I want to rip it open, because stockings are my favorite, period. 

The meaning of Christmas is clear for most Christians. I am struggling with it, in the realm that I don't know if I believe in God, for that matter, Jesus Christ. I feel the cleansing power of the atonement. I have been blessed in extensive amounts. I have always said God blessed me, God loves me, God is with me. I didn't believe in God until I was 16 - and I don't want to loose the idea that God is real. But, Santa used to be real as well. As did the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. Most of my LDS friends tell me, it's the adversary, but I don't know that this is the case. You cannot go wrong following something that is positive and uplifting, but I also cannot live my life tip-toeing around. It's my agency, I get it, but I don't want to just live by faith anymore. I found a quote the other day that made so much sense, and left me able to breathe. 

Sleeping

Is it just me, or is the numbers of hours you have slept in four days supposed to total more than seven ... if that. This shooting has messed me up. My stupid tonsils, do not help. I'm ready to punch babies. So, you know : "hide yo wives, hide yo kids."

In turn, I get anxiety, because I have counseling tomorrow, and I don't want to sound like I'm a crazy person. I have a feeling my therapist is going to look at me like I'm a crazed freak.

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong." - Sarah Dessen

12/14/2012

Another Reason - I understand that this thought may be a little irrational, but the massacre that happened in Connecticut yesterday, reinforced my feelings. I have witnessed too many mothers, fathers, and families bury babies. I know that it will continue in my future as well. I feel ridiculous saying, "maybe when I'm older I will change my mind." Not only because I have lived on my own for 2.5 years, not only because I just graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work, but because I feel I have reached my maturity, and adulthood. I guess we as humans continue to grow all our lives.  

Mental Illness - We need to understand, even as the news has said, this man had a mental illness. Everyone is asking why? As they ask, I get frustrated, because I know why . . . he was very sick. NO, that does not give him the right by any means. I had hoped my Social Work Colleagues would get this, but a lot haven't. Maybe they're just angry, I have to give them the benefit of the doubt, if I'm giving a man in charge of a massacre the same respect. With that, it bugs me when people say, "He will go to hell", or "He should rot in hell." Uhm, I don't think this is properly stated. He was SICK, and I think God will forgive him, in fact if God is real, he will. At least the God I know will.  

Trauma - No, I am not directly affected by this, and no, I am not trying to move attention to me in any way shape or form. But, I cannot help but think every time I enter a movie theater, a shopping mall, my own University (which is over for about a year and half), even Wal-Mart (which I strongly dislike as it is), and the sort, that I will get shot, or witness a shooting. 

At work my anxiety is sky high, last night I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was someone coming to my client's home and shooting us all. Whenever I closed my eyes, that's what I saw. I did before the recent shooting, but told myself it wasn't rational, now I realize that is a lie. It could in fact happen. So, i am now afraid to sleep. I sound like a crazy person, but I can assure you I am not. 

   

Gun Control - I am neither pro-gun or anti-gun. This is just my thought process, add any comments, help me to form my opinion, if you so wish. I think that we need to uphold the Second Amendment. People should be able to purchase a gun, and bare arms, no doubt. Why take away rights of the people? Massacres don't just happen, shootings don't just happen. I should feel safe with guns, with the idea of guns, with gun shots, as I did whilst I was growing up. But, I am NO longer comfortable, as I'm sure many people don't. 

My idea, which is like a few others: people need to follow the same steps it takes to get a license, and to own a car. 

1. Learn about it, Gun Safety.

2. Get a License to use it.

3. Get gun owners Insurance, before you can purchase a gun.

4. Purchase a gun when steps 1-3 are complete, and get your license renewed after X amount of years. 

"There are more good people, than bad people, look for the good ones." - Heavenly Father (per a priesthood blessing I received recently.)

This isn't a good look for my heart

At therapy today my therapist decided that my homework this week would be to write three lists. Instead of comparing every man to him, the man I miss more than anything. The man that has made it hard for me to move on. The man that has made it hard to love anyone other than him. I have my three lists: my wants, my needs and my red flags.

I hate heartbreak. This song speaks for me . . . because I no longer have the words to express the way I feel at this point. 
No man is worth these tears, but why not just for one more night?

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"Now all your love is wasted, and who the hell was I? 'Cause now I'm braking at the britches; and at the end of all your lies."

Colossians 3:20

It's crazy when you do some scripture study and find scriptures that speak so strong to your heart. It's always important to forgive, but sometimes it's near impossible. 

Last night as I was driving to the church for a blessing, I was talking with God. I was asking him for answers to some of my hearts inner secrets. Things only He knows. My thoughts continued racing as I walked into the church building. I was asked to step into the Bishop's office. I sat down. 

As the Bishop entered he said, "This seems serious." I quickly lied, and said, "No, just life." I smiled, but could already feel the spirit, which made me yearn for the tears to fall. I think we all know what having the urge to cry, but can't, feels like.  

As the blessing was given to me through a member of my ward things were coming at me, that I needed to hear. Not only for healing purposes for the here and now, but for the future. 

This morning, through scripture study, I was directed to this scripture. I am viewing it in two ways. I want to direct this to my father, though I don't want to talk poorly on him. I know my Heavenly Father wouldn't be pleased. But, he has hurt me in many ways, ways I thought I had forgiven and forgotten.

Now that he (my father) has "provoked [his] child(ren) to anger" I am "discouraged." The benefit is that God has replaced the things I need from a father figure in those men around me. My Heavenly Father, grand-father, my uncle, and what was revealed to me as my Bishop.

I'm still discouraged that my relationship will never be the same with my father, and that upsets me. No one can replace what a father is meant for. Nothing can even compare. A father's love and affection is different than the love of father figures in ones life. My father brought light to many things I struggled with, and he was someone I knew would give it to me straight, but lift me up and bring hope into any one situation.

One thing is true, everything happens for a reason, and I'm up for the challenge to walk by Faith and accept that which is presented before me.

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. - Colossians 3:20

Fear is a Prison

"She had stayed a virgin so she wouldn't be called a tramp or a slut; had married so she wouldn't be called an old maid; faked orgasms so she wouldn't be called frigid; had children so she wouldn't be called barren; had not been a feminist because she didn't want to be called queer and a man-hater; never nagged or raised her voice so she wouldn't be called a bitch… She had done all that and yet, still, this stranger had dragged her into the gutter with the names that men call women when they are angry."
~ Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

B: "I'm going to the mall for Black Friday."
U: "There is going to be lots of pussy there. They will be all done up and looking great. Except for the [nasty] ones that won't get ready at all and will be going to hit all the sales."
B: "Yeah!"
...FIVE MINUTES LATER
B: "Look at her, she's hot!" (While watching a football game.)
Me: "I don't appreciate that, and it makes me feel like I have to look like that to be hot, of which I never will." 
B: "Oh my gosh, calm down."
U: "Don't do that, Kasandra, not today. I don't want to hear it."

You know what I don't want to hear? You. I don't want to hear you open your mouth. I don't care to listen to such disrespect. This is what is wrong with our nation. We teach our children by example, and not always the best one. Want to know another thing is wrong with our nation? If a guy talked about me like that in front of my family members they would tell him to stop talking about me like that - yet they do it to every skinny, white, big boob, nice ass, great smile, sweet, sexy woman that come into their sight. I'm thoroughly disgusted. One thing is for sure, I no longer FEAR to stand up to people, especially my family. (Some say that I have no respect, though I say it's a human rights issue.) I no longer FEAR that my opinion isn't valid. Want to know why? Because, Fear is a prison, and I don't want to be in prison. 

Stand with LOVE

"If you have questions, ask. There are plenty of people that are more than willing to help you and be there for you." Tonight as I left the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, these words stuck with me. This was an amazing event. Not only was it humbling, but it brought out emotions I just don't know what to do with. I don't want to question my Faith, but I cannot help it.

I can assure you these emotions weren't what the event coordinators had planned, but I can also assure you that these emotions were real. I felt the spirit tonight stronger than I have in a long time. No, these individuals weren't all brought to justice, but I feel like I was able to be apart of something larger than my mortal state. 

I will take a stand. I will not fall silent, no matter how much one may think that I need to mind my own business. Humanity is my business. Loving everyone is my business. Standing up and sticking up for others is MY business. I stand with LOVE. Although, some individuals may have problems with this, I do not, and the Holy Ghost testified to me this evening that my convictions were true, and just.  


Morally there are no sidelines in a struggle between oppressors and the oppressed. All that oppressors ask from the rest of us is to mind our own business, so by attempting neutrality we implicitly side with the oppressors. If we are truly an interconnected web, then we cannot simply blame the actions of the powerful for the injustice in our society; injustice is also the result of countless inactions by those with a responsibility to our fellow human beings." - Tim DeChristopher

Matt Arego

TOP 5 Reasons Matt is AMAZING

5. He is an amazing athlete.

4. He has an awesome smile.

3.He gives courtesy laughs, even when things aren't funny. (Thanks for those!)

2. He is the nicest person to be around.

1. He is an amazing person, friend, and colleague.

How do I know Matt?

Matt and I go back a few semesters, or what people not in college call it, back a couple of years. I've had courses with him throughout my time at the University of Utah. He has not only been kind, funny, or pleasant, but also a great friend and colleague. He is smart, and always has something to add to the group or project, and also gives great feedback. He's nice and I haven't heard a Matt say a single negative thing about anyone or anything. He is amazing, and I will never forget Matt.

P.S.

Thanks for your help. Don't ever forget how incredible you are. 

P.S.S. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Matt :)

Carry On

Carry On by, Fun.

When life seems too difficult, carry on. An amazing song for those days when you feel like you cannot go any further. 

Carry on
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends 
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/fun/carry_on.html ]
But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Anniversary

Today I am not just thankful, but blessed.

The first responders, including my hero, Pat Killian. 

Life-Flight. 

The UofU trauma team. 

The UofU Emergency Room nurses, and doctors. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Alpeesh Patel. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Erik Kubiak. 

My opthamologist Boopie Patel.

The UofU SICU floor. 

The UofU ICU floor. 

The IMC Rehabilitation floor. 

ALL of the nurses, doctors, and therapists that got me going again especially, Kristin my CNA. 

My Physical Therapists.

My Speech Therapists.

My mom.

My father.

My brother.

My family - even distant cousins who gave me healing blessings.

My friends.

My church leaders who not only made my blanket, but also who prayed and visited me in the hospital.

My classmates both at Itineris, and at Hillcrest.

My teachers both at Itineris, and Mr. Bentley at Hillcrest. 

My mentors - Ms. Bradfield, Ms. Putnam, Ms. Ward.

Members of my LDS faith who put my name in the Temple.

Members of my LDS faith who prayed for me.

Jesus Christ.

Heavenly Father.

I will never be the same. I will never feel normal, but what is normal? As I have been going through Therapy I have learned a lot. My anxiety has shortened. Letting others drive has heightened. But, when I talk about it, I still cry. I don't know if that will change. I do know that I think about it less. I worry about it less. I am beyond blessed for this. The trauma comes back to haunt me at the most inopportune times, but when it happens I am thankful to be able to remember all of the above individuals. I am reminded that you cannot go through life alone. I am reminded that even though it doesn't feel like others care, they do. Others care about you, more than you know. I am reminded to LOVE life. I truly know how to live. I will live. I will have the courage and strength to carry on, even though some days it feels impossible. 

What I carry away from this accident is the fact that everyone has a story. People have so much perseverance. I had to have the will to LIVE. My FAITH had to be strengthened. I had to become humble. I am here for a reason, a reason much larger than any selfish thing I can think of. I have a purpose - a true purpose - that only I can fulfill. 

Smile, it's only temporary. 

My Soul

Today has been such a great day for my soul. I went to Smith's (Yes, I kept Sunday holy, all day! My biggest accomplishment in a long time.) to get groceries for the week. - After a work out at the gym this morning, I came to the realization that I cannot workout half as much as I would like so I have to perfect my eating. I bought a million fruits and veggies, skipping the inner isles and the bakery all together. - My ward is making sack lunches/dinners for the homeless this evening so I needed to pick up a couple things for that as well. 

As I walked into the grocery store I grabbed a cart, and used one of those sanitizer wipes for not only the shopping cart, but for my hands as well. Luckily I brought along some hand sanitizer in with me, because my cough WOULDN'T stop. This older man and lady witnessed that I was coughing like crazy, and I felt kind of a glare. I pulled out my hand sanitizer right in front of her and used it. The older man, with his WWII hat on, thanked me for her. He told me his wife was deaf and that she could tell I was having a difficult time. I said that I was fine and thanked the lady for her concern. (YAY! my American Sign Language was put to good use.) I then thanked him for his service, and explained that I was a Social Worker (in about a month). He was pleased, and said he could tell I will do good work. How he can tell is beyond me, seeing as how all he saw was me coughing and using hand santizer. I think elderly people have a 3rd eye for good hearted people. They then signed and I picked up about 2% of it and then I watched them walk away. I then came walking out of the store and he quickly, bless his heart, came over and told me to get in my car and he would put my groceries in the back. I protested, and he said, "I get it, you're an independent young woman. You've gotten somewhere in life at your young age. But, guess who helped you with that? I did, I fought for this country, I fought for you. I fought for you, a girl who wants to make the world a better place. You're sick, let me help you." Well, pretty close to that. I started to tear up, and he thanked me for letting him help me. I thanked him again, and he said, "No, thank you, for being such a pleasant young woman. I'm sure your family is proud, but please know you make people proud that don't even know you. Have a great day." 

My heart is so full. My soul is so elated. I will never forget this couple. God Bless America, better yet, God Bless the World :) 

"November, the month where everyone is so THANKFUL for their lives, and in every aspect. But, I get to be THANKFUL everyday I open my eyes because [Pat Killian] you helped me, and didn't have to. [Pat Killian] You are my hero - I can only hope I can be half of the hero you are in my Social Work journey."  

Above is what I wrote in the card below to my hero, Pat Killian. The man that I will never forget. Almost five years later, and look where I am at. This isn't where I thought, nor any professional that helped me thought, I would be. Even though it has been a long journey, and continues to be a daily struggle, I am thankful that I have turned out the way I have turned out. I'm even more thankful for the fact that I am alive, and will only continue to progress. I only have one person to thank today for that, and it is Mr. Pat Killian.   

My Practicum/Social Work

People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did. 

But, people will never forget how you made them feel.

Out of all the things in the world one could be, I chose to become a Social Worker. As I am doing my practicum, I am learning more than I thought possible. My heart is definitely in the right place. I'm beyond thankful for finding my  niche. 

The past couple weeks I have learned more about myself than I thought possible. I  love  me, and I  love  people, and I  love  (young) women. Today in one of the forums at one of the schools in the state I had a hunch that one of the participants is struggling with an eating disorder. I thanked my God for reminding me daily how beautiful I am, and that I don't need to harm myself. A couple days ago another participant said she thought she was ugly, she's very young and it about broke my heart. I know I have a lot to offer, but I know the world has ten fold to offer me. I'm  thankful  for my love of Social Work, and for Social Work loving me back.  

Social Work

My true love: Social Work

Though yesterday it was football, today it has changed to Social Work. I still love football, with a lot of passion, but social work is where I can truly love with all that I have inside of my soul. 

Today we had a couple of speakers working with a couple of different populations. One being the Trans(exual/gender) community. The other being the Refugee community. I felt my heart begin to soften, my eyes begin to fill, and this uncontrollable feeling to cry. I said to myself, "YOU can be the change. YOU will be the change." 

I then decided I was going to take part in a couple events in the near future. TDR(Trans Day of Remembrance), as well as go to a lecture event to listen to some other current hot topics in the Trans(exual/gender) community.  

Some of you know about my mindset, my struggle, and my growth under the umbrella of LGBTQ community. I wrote a paper on this in my Social Work writing course,  and though it helped, I  still struggle. 

So, on November 20th I am attending TDR at 6:30 PM and I can only hope that my friends will also take part in this event with me. 

Also, I am going to take a tour of the Hartland Center, and become a volunteer. My want to go to Africa has heightened - and I feel this will be the best way to see if I am up for the challenge to go and work with the people. I believe if anything, it will sway my decisions to go 10 times stronger. I love the African people, and cannot wait to embark on my journey to discovery.   

One Love.  

 

For the LOVE of Documentaries.

"My obsession has been — and is still — the feeling of being there. Not of finding out this and analyzing this or performing some virtuous social act or something. Just what's it like to be there." - Richard Leacock

Except, I want to do just that, a virtuous social act. When I watch documentaries I am reminded that ONE person can change the world, and that ONE person can be me. Not that having other people with your same vision isn't pertinent, and useful. I enjoy knowing other people want to change the world as well. 

This evening I watched two and a half documentaries. The first one was A Ripple of Hope which was about Robert Kennedy and the need he felt to speak out to people of color when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot. I am a HUGE admirer of MLKJ, but never did I know the things MR. Robert Kennedy did, not only through activism but through humanism. A reason why I say I am a humanist. I don't want to be labeled as a Mormon, or a Liberal Democrat, I want to be labeled as a Humanist. 

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

Senator Robert F. Kennedy, June 6 1966 (South Africa address)

Next I watched a show called Barbershop Brothers - and I quite enjoyed it, but felt that it was purely enjoyable, but I wanted to learn something! Hence the reason I moved on to another documentary .

The last one I watched was New Muslim Cool, the things I learned! I cannot express how much heartbreak, and love, I have for those of the Muslim Faith. They are amazing people. This documentary talked about how the FBI targeted a family of recently converted Muslims in Pittsburgh. Not only did they have cameras surrounding their mosque, but they raided that mosque, for no reason. The person they were looking for was already arrested, and placed in the back of a police car. Yet, the FBI still busted down the doors, on a Friday, during one of the prayer times. Like they said in the documentary, "tell me this would happen in a Christian church on a Sunday." F'real doe. It definitely makes me appreciate the faith, and the people, ten fold. 

You can watch all three of these videos on Netflix, but here is a preview of the last one I watched. Much love!
“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
Just love one another, learn about a new culture, and accept people as they are, don't try and change them. 

Twisted Thinking - Therapy Session #4

Today in Therapy my counselor suggested that I have Twisted Thinking/Distorted Thinking especially in the aspect of Jumping to Conclusions in the realm of Fortune Telling and Mind-reading.

I hate change, as most people do - but I REALLY hate change. Here soon I will be doing a lot of changes, and my counselor thinks I'm ready . . . so here I go face first into a dive. Which is another thing we talked about.

My anxiety is now in the realm of "normal" anxiety, whoever calls it normal is CRAZY. This is not normal. I feel totally out of control when my anxiety hits. BUT, I am learning to deal with it in a positive manner. I'm so excited to be a grown up, dealing with my feelings like a "normal person", again who's to say who is normal? As I go onward and upward I have a lot of people to thank, especially the big guy upstairs :)

Smile, it's all only temporary!

FHMC

My seminar professor hates when people use acronyms, and then doesn't tell people what the acronyms stand for - This acronym stands for the four topics I am going to blog about: football, homelessness, marriage, and a change of heart, mind, and soul.

Football: Tomorrow is the black out football game, a game I have been looking forward to for some time now. I absolutely love football, and I cannot wait to go. My mom is going to be going with me as well, so I'm beyond stoked. It's at 7:45 at night, so it will be extremely cold, but I don't mind.  

Homelessness: As I was driving home the other day from I believe my mom's house in Midvale I got off of the freeway exit closest to my apartment. As I was driving past a laundry-mat these elderly people of color were scouring the sidewalks, gutters, and streets for any money they could find. I began to get emotional. After my mom's I had just went to the grocery store for a couple items such as bananas and apples - I pulled over into the parking lot, handed them the bananas, apples, and celery. I then asked them if they would like to get in my car to warm up and I'd take them to get a hot chocolate or coffee. The lady said, "Oh, no!" we couldn't do that you've done enough. I proceeded to say well, I don't think I have done hardly enough. The lady said, "no one has been this kind to us, even at the shelters we're treated different because of our skin color." I began to cry. The elderly man said, "don't cry, you're far too beautiful to be crying. You have such a good heart, do not let things get to your heart like that. Guard your heart, but not your mind." I took them over to the convenient store, got them a large warm beverage, asked them where they needed a ride to - then again declined. I persisted, they said they were fine. I invited them to sit in my car a bit longer, they thanked me and said God Bless. I still feel so helpless - but hey they had some nutritious food, and warm beverages in their stomach. I'm beyond privileged.

Marriage: I went to a wedding this evening for two of my very good friends. As I got there, everything was fine. As I hugged one of my friends I cried, I apologized for crying, and cried some more. He looked at me and said, "I love you, you know that right?" I then proceeded to cry. It was (selfish) sorrow, gratitude, happiness, and love that was flooding my face. This in turn made him tear up, which in turn made me cry again. I hugged him, said congratulations, walked away and wept. I then saw the bride and she was absolutely gorgeous, the tears ceased, until I was in my car and as I was driving back I began to get emotional, and could feel that my heart was so heavy. I have a love/hate relationship with marriage and weddings. 

Change of heart and mind: I have changed from inside out. I am a different person, internally. Life is looking up. I couldn't be more proud of myself. Hopefully I make it to the temple sooner, than later. :) 

Lovely

We discuss hot topics - more than just the weather.
He makes me laugh - more than any other.
He wears rose colored glasses, and see's the world through them.
Not only does he make me happy, but it's as though he knows my soul.
He has goals, and aspirations. He has dreams and plans to follow them.

It's funny how this even happened. 

 A boy you teased and joked with fell in love with you.

He now kisses you before bed, 

teases you,

jokes with you,

makes you happy,

helps you to have faith in humanity once more.

 Proving to you that you need to follow your dreams.

That you need to follow your heart. 

Thank You.

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you got to see the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around for a day and saw them crying in their bed, or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich. I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn't be able to help falling in love with them. <3

Air Force: My Story

I've been thinking about my desire to serve the Air Force, and the day that desire/goal/ambition died. 

Pros and Cons:

• I may have been injured far worse than the way I was injured in 2007.
• I maybe never never came home (I thought I was invincible when I was ready to sign those papers).
• The trauma I have experienced may be as much as I could handle. 
• I wouldn't have found social work, I would have only pursued being a War Vet Psychologist.
• I wouldn't have found God the way I have.
• I have a great relationship with my family, and am happy that I am here with them, especially certain ones that not only I need but that really need(ed) me. 

When others talk about their passion to serve in the military I get teary eyed. It was my biggest goal in life to become a Para-rescue in the Air Force. Not only did I want to be a para-rescue, but I wanted to drive the planes as well. I wanted to be a pilot. I don't think many people understood or knew this part of my love with the military, particularly the Air Force. 

The big man upstairs has something far greater in mind for my life. As I say more and more anymore. "Help me to do thine will, not my will. I am a servant before you Lord." I have a relationship with my Father in Heaven, which is ten time stronger than the one with my physical father. I sometimes wonder if my Father in Heaven has done this on purpose; so that I do turn to Him, my spiritual father. Turn to him not only for the guidance, love, and support that I need, but for that which I deserve.

  

The {P} Word

I can easily tell others the dangers of the P word, though these cautions don't stop me from doing the P word. You would think being in my last semester at the U of U working on my undergraduate degree would help me in not doing the P word, but I cannot help it. The act of the P word, the use of the P word, the definition of the P word ... it is just naughty. As I was a child I never did the P word, in fact, I only recall doing the P word after my accident. Which then turns me to wondering if my brain injury is getting worse. I don't want to be a H word though (which is almost worse than the P word). Just like the F word is much worse than the S word, and you never use the C word.

My advice to younger generations is to never, and I mean NEVER begin to do the P word or else it gets out of hand and it's almost impossible to catch back up. Though that doesn't matter to you because you'll continue to do the P word every day until you have to get something done because say it's a deadline or another person in your group is counting on you.

Africa

My heart is in Africa. Call me crazy, but I love it. As I have been watching African movies about genocide today, instead of doing my homework, I have been glued to learning more about Africa. I have been interested in Africa since my ex-boyfriend, and my craving for more has just increased in the past few months. I yearn to go there, work with the people, understand their lives and culture. I yearn for love, friendship, hope, and peace. I know that all of my desires won't all be fulfilled with my time on this planet, possibly anyone's time on this planet, but I have faith that one day we will all live in peace. 

Same Love - Macklemore

I'm so happy I came across this artist. He speaks to my heart and soul. :) 

[Verse 1: Macklemore]

When I was in the 3rd grade

I thought that I was gay

Cause I could draw, my uncle was

And I kept my room straight

I told my mom, tears rushing down my face

She's like, "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-K"

Trippin', yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she

A bunch of stereotypes all in my head

I remember doing the math like

"Yeah, I'm good a little league"

A pre-conceived idea of what it all meant

For those who like the same sex had the characteristics

The right-wing conservatives think it's a decision

And you can be cured with some treatment and religion

Man-made, rewiring of a pre-disposition

Playing God

Ahh nah, here we go

America the brave

Still fears, what, we don't know

And God loves all His children

Is somehow forgotten

But we paraphrase a book written

35 hundred years ago

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/macklemore/same_love.html ]

[Verse 2: Macklemore]

If I was gay

I would think hip-hop hates me

Have you read the YouTube comments lately

"Man that's gay"

Gets dropped on the daily

We've become so numb to what we're sayin'

Our culture founded from oppression

Yeah, we don't have acceptance for 'em

Call each other faggots

Behind the keys of a message board

A word routed in hate

Yet our genre still ignores it

Gay is synonymous with the lesser

It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion

Gender and skin color

Complexion of your pigment

The same fight that lead people to walk-outs and sit-ins

It's human rights for everybody

There is no difference

Live on! And be yourself! 

When I was in church

They taught me something else

If you preach hate at the service

Those words aren't anointed

And that Holy Water

That you soak in

Is then poisoned

When everyone else

Is more comfortable

Remaining voiceless

Rather than fighting for humans

That have had their rights stolen

I might not be the same

But that's not important

No freedom 'til we're equal

Damn right I support it

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Verse 3: Macklemore]

We press play

Don't press pause

Progress, march on! 

With a veil over our eyes

We turn our back on the cause

'Till the day

That my uncles can be united by law

Kids are walkin' around the hallway

Plagued by pain in their heart

A world so hateful

Someone would rather die

Than be who they are

And a certificate on paper

Isn't gonna solve it all

But it's a damn good place to start

No law's gonna change us

We have to change us

Whatever god you believe in

We come from the same one

Strip away the fear

Underneath it's all the same love

About time that we raised up

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Outro: Mary Lambert]

Love is patient, love is kind

Love is patient (not cryin' on Sundays)

Love is kind (not crying on Sundays) [x5]

Realization(.)Two

REALIZATION POINT TWO

Acoustic music is vulnerable. It speaks the words I have in my heart, but have yet to cross my mind.  Acoustic that can make my arm hairs stand at attention, can make me have a lump in my throat, and can make me feel alive. If a genre of music can do that to you, well you've found your bliss. It almost feels as good as falling in love for the first time of your life. It's like heaven on earth. It is something you can fall back on. As you fall back, you know it will catch and understand you, and do everything in it's power not to drop you.  When you, yourself, are too mixed up; it can bring you back down to reality and leave you with a glimmer of  hope in your spirit. It will help you to regain your strength, and understand your power as a human.

My compilation - which will continue to grow and inspire anyone having to make difficult decisions in life, and about life. Don't be afraid, just let the music soothe you and take you away. (These aren't in order of my favorites by any means, I cannot number music that fills my heart from top to bottom.)

Speak For Me by John Mayer

"Ain't the cover of a rolling stone. And the music on my radio ain't supposed to make me feel alone. What a drag to know, I have to learn to let it go. Show me something I can be. Play a song that I can sing. Make me feel as I am free, someone come speak for me."

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Come on skinny love, just last the year ... and I told you to be patient. And I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced. and I told you to be kind. And if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?"

Breathe Me by Sia

"Help I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, and needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again ... yeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again, and I feel I'm safe."

To Be Cont.

What Does It Come Down To?

It comes down to loving every human being in this big wonderful, amazing, world we live within. It comes down to enjoying life, even with all the bumps in the road. See, I've learned how to be happy, even in my darkest days, and that is important. I am my own happiness . . . there is no way I can make anyone else happy if I myself, am not happy.

Some things that make me happy:

Jones Cream Soda

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Prayer

Scriptures

Volunteering

Football, Particularly 3rd Quarter

Massages

Mani/Pedi's

My Internship

Young Children Telling Me I'm Pretty

Silence

Laughter

Love

Inner Peace

Chai Tea <3

When My Clients Say Silly and/or Lovely Things

Social Work

Women

Young Women

President Obama

Liberals

Progress

Humanity

Humanism

Jesus Christ

Humble People

Loving People

Non-Judgemental People

Tattoos

Clouds

Picnics

Ducks/Feeding Ducks

The Idea Of Sky Diving

Nail Polish

Strawberry Ice Cream

Frozen Yogurt

Sushi

Vegas Rolls

Puppies

Kittens

Gorillas/Monkies

Ghana

Ghanians

Culture

Different World Views

Rings

Theme Parks

The Zoo

Disc Golf

Exercise - LOVE Endorphins

Family & Friends

Getting notes like this my coffee cups:

Acoustic Music

Driving & Feeling Calm

Finding A Song & Putting It On Repeat For Days

Kissing Someone With Passion

Getting Kissed With Passion

Finding A Song That You Relate to. 

Friends That Answer The Phone at Two AM <3

Smiling At EVERY Stranger You Pass

Getting Smiled At First By A Stranger

. . . to name a few.

Overplanned, good-girl life.

I'm done fixing that which isn't broken.
        I'm done attempting other peoples perfection.
                I'm happy with who I am.
                        I'm going to smile, and apprecaite the small things in life.
                                I'm going to live, in the present, not in the past.
                                        I'm going to be the change I wish to seek.

   
Smile because it's all only:
temporary :)

Grad School & Ghana

I have a special place in my heart for the people of this world, but my heart is especially soft and light for the people of Ghana, and her land. So, after grad school I am going to travel to Ghana. I didn't take a graduation trip after high school. I am also not going to take one after getting my Bachelor of Social Work (BSW). But, after Grad school I am going to take one. It's totally win-win, and will be the final push to apply, and to go!

I LOVE social work, and I love what it has done for me. It has made me a better person by like 175 percent. I still have a lot of room to grow, and learn . . . hence grad school! I also received a blessing from a member of my church and after this I finally knew I needed to at least apply. And with conversations with my Heavenly Father I feel it is necessary to apply next Fall. I see so many people applying, and so excited about it. I am happy for them, and I thought I would be a little upset that I wasn't. I couldn't feel more happy about my decision.

Why Ghana? I have met so many Ghanians, dated a few, and read lots and lots of books! When you combine all of these it leaves me inspired, and with the adoration of Ghana. The people are incredible, never stop smiling, have a special light that radiates from them, and are always happy. I need to realize what living is like, and I feel like going to Ghana will be the way I learn how to live here in America. I need to see and experience things I have never seen or experienced before. Lastly, to finally learn why Soccer is so awesome. I despise the sport here, but maybe being around people who don't even know/give a crap about American Football could do me some good.

"While the rest of the world has been improving technology, Ghana has been improving the quality of man's humanity to man." - Maya Angelou

"I think we have a good team, but soccer fans will know that we're in a really tough group. The three teams in our group are really strong. The Czech Republic is a very good team, Italy is traditionally a powerhouse, and Ghana is one of the best teams in Africa." - Claudio Reyna 

Feel the burn!!!

I have been working out, and feeling the burn for two days now. I haven't had this sensation for months because of SI joint pain. I have started a new medication called Indocine, and it has reduced the inflammation, which in turn has reduced my pain level. Yesterday I did the StairMaster for 15 minutes, and a mile on the elliptical. I then did some actual workout techniques. Today I did the StairMaster for 30 minutes, and two miles on the elliptical, then a half a mile on the high stepper - which in turn burned 2200 calories. I then proceeded with an upper body weight lifting session. AND boy did it burn! :) I love it, and cannot wait to get back to where I was.