Past Tense

One day I talk about him as if I am going to hang out with him within the hour. 

The next day I talk about him as if he has been gone for a very long time.

My reality is different from day to day. Bare with me.

Sixteen.

At sixteen he died from Congenital Heart Failure, caused by a disease called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.

At sixteen he never drove.

At sixteen he had dreams and passions which few knew of. 

 His love was stronger and deeper than anything I have ever known.

He.

He was my brother.

It's a struggle, you see. One day, it is simple. One day, it is too much to bare.

I always knew it would be difficult; not quite like this.

People talk about how it was meant to be. 

People talk about how he was 'needed' more in Heaven.

My response:

He is not needed more in heaven. God did not need another angel.

I don't find it selfish that I still wish he was still here.

I volunteered for a Hospice Agency, and it was a wonderful experience.

A total of four years. 

I saw the happiness, sadness, and anger many family members wore on their faces.

I watched tears run down so many cheeks.

I witnessed the truest of smiles.

I heard depth from lips.

Hospice, on the other side. 

On the side of your own loved one is not the same.

Coming to the realization that the person you love more than life itself is dying; is not fun.

It is not easy.

It is not worth the pain. 

Trying to figure out if it is okay to laugh without him has been hard.

Trying to figure out if I shouldn't cry because it would 'make him sad' has been hard. 

Staying up late at night wishing you would have done more, said more, been more or loved him more has been hard.

Thinking you're out of the grieving process, when it hits you that you are back at the very beginning. 

Not wanting to talk about him.

Wanting to talk about him, but not feeling right about it.

I simply miss him. Everything about him. Even the parts that are very sad about him. 

John Timothy (Jt) Nimmo.

Him.

Lil' Broski.

Brother.

Friend.

Favorite Hero.

Favorite Person.

Promise to Humanity

When I was a young child, I thought I wanted to be a Veterinarian and go to UC Davis in California.

When I was an adolescent, I thought I wanted to be The President of the United States of America.

When I was a teenager, I thought I wanted to be a Pilot in the Air Force, a War Veteran Psychologist, then a Nurse.

When I was a young adult, I thought I wanted to be an English Teacher.

Now that I am a twenty-something, I am a Social Worker. I am what I never knew about as a child. Now that I am getting prepared to go to graduate school in order to find a 'realistic' career, I am nervous. One thing is for sure however, I am meant to be a Social Worker. I actually cannot see myself being anything but a Social Worker. I had an interview regarding my practicum placement (internship.) When I sat down with Elizabeth she asked me if I wanted to do clinical social work, I blurted out 'NO' so quick, that I think I may have startled her. She looked at me, nodded, and said, 'Alright, well what is your plan?' I let her know that macro (community based) Social Work would fit me best. She nodded in approval, and said, 'That fits your concentration perfectly.' As our conversation continued she said, you may have to do some one-on-one, however. I nodded in approval, and claimed that I understood. I'm just such a baby when it comes to having to do things for my first time. I don't want to do one-on-one. I'm not ready, I'm not trained. I was thinking all of this while she continued to talk to me about different placements. Luckily, I know that I AM ready. I know that I WILL be trained. I know that I can handle whatever Social Work throws at me, because this is what I am meant to do. It's not all that often when I am so sure about something that I feel it deep in my soul.

This month is Social Work month, and with that I felt I wanted to come out to the world with my promise to humanity:

I promise to always do my best. I promise to always put others before myself in such a way that doesn't cause harm to either party. I promise to never place judgment upon a person based off of my own opinions, and experiences. I promise to love each person that I come in contact with, and to make sure they feel loved before leaving my presence. I promise to bring happiness with my aura, and I promise to be that light for others. I promise to continue my journey, because so many others aren't able to. I promise to never give up on anyone, ever. I promise to believe in life, love, and each personal pursuit of happiness. I promise to love with all my heart, body, mind, and soul.

LOVE IS THE ONLY WAY.