No one was born into this world a bigot.

My whole entire life I've been the loud girl. I've been known as the class clown, as the bitch, as the brown-nose, and as the abrasive one and it's never really bothered me until now.

I stand out. I feel as though the Lord picked me to do something great. Something not everyone could do. Something not everyone could fight for: the human race. I was born with this voice to liberate so many human beings who have been oppressed, and continue to be oppressed to this day.

I know what I believe goes against what a lot of people believe, but I cannot help it.

I believe in human rights. All human's no matter their ability, skin color, religion, sexual orientation, gender, nationality, etc. NEED to be respected and accepted. 

No one was born into this world a bigot. 

Words Aren't Enough

I'm at that stage where I feel like I know where it's going to end up. I feel like I may as well give up, now. Sooner than later. Then, I remember the way he makes me feel. Then, I remember the things I've promised. "Never to give up. Never to stop loving. Never to stop trying. Never to quit." Then I remember how much I love him and adore him and just want my life to be with him. Then the reality hits. I can't forever say I don't need my family. Especially when he goes on deployment. But, I can't give up. I've shut my heart off more than my brain, but I still know in my soul it's right. But, maybe it was right and now I need to move on. I've made a pact with my Heavenly Father that I will wait until May 1st and if at that point I still haven't heard anything I will consider myself single. But, the sad reality is that I don't think I will date for a long long while. You don't just stop dating someone. You don't just fall out of love with someone, someone that never did a single thing wrong to you. Someone that loved you more than you've ever felt love from someone. It doesn't just happen. So, here I am. I don't want to play games, but as others have told me . . . I'm not taking advice just to take advice, but with using my brain in this process as well. "Look at how much you're willing to give up. Really look at what you're willing to do 1. Move to Texas

2. Move to Ghana

3. Make him happy, and do what wifely duties.

and what has he offered to do for you? Has he really proven anything?" Well, here is where I stand with that. No, he hasn't but it's what I feel. I don't need proof, I don't need him to do things, spend money on me, and do anything for me to know he would. But, when I really think about it . .. I deserve that. I deserve to know he would do anything for me. But, it's a game. I just want to be loved and love in return. I guess my "simple" philosophy really isn't how the world is though. No matter the out come he is my soul-mate. He is who makes me feel alive, like what I live for is out there. Like what I want to do for the rest of my life is possible. Like I can do whatever I set my mind to. I thank God every day for sending me one of his modern day angels to make me realize my worth.

The Atonement

"Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven?"- Brad Wilcox

I now see Jesus Christ as a person - as my friend, my best friend. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to keep trying. Being like Christ is my goal, and so far my journey continues to help me with that. I first have to forgive myself, because the Lord always will. For the past few months I've taken a stand to do the Lord's will. As I continue to do this His love for me grows - He shows me by putting particular people in my life, I otherwise wouldn't think I deserve. I love Jesus Christ, and He loves me. I won't give up, I'll keep going. 

Two nights ago I learned about The Atonement. I'd heard of The Atonement, and have read about it before, but never understood what it was exactly. Monday night was the first time of finding out what it really was. Not just by understanding it through words, but by understanding it through feeling. Jesus Christ has felt all of my pain, sorrow, sadness, guilt, etc. I bare testimony that this is true. I'm so overcome with joy, when I speak of this love I feel from my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ.

I feel as though I wasn't to know what The Atonement was, until I was ready. (It's been there, working in my life. I just never saw it, or felt it.) Just as the Lord wouldn't want us in his Temples if we didn't understand the meanings and symbolism behind a lot of the work done. He doesn't want to put too much on our plates in order to overwhelm ourselves while living our day to day lives. I was finally willing to learn, and I was willing to do the work I needed to do; with His promptings and His guidance I was given light. 

I've never felt more ready to dwell in his presence. I feel like if I was to die anytime now, I would be ready. I feel as though this isn't going to happen anytime soon, but the reason I know I'm ready is because of The Atonement. It makes me feel as though I am enough, and that I can make mistakes, and He will love me regardless. To know in my heart that he has already died for all the mistakes I've made, makes living seem easier. I want to be more like Him daily. I wish I would have learned about The Atonement, through feeling, sooner. But, we all have to find things out in and on our own timing. 

In ending know, "The grace of Christ is sufficient - sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes." - Brad Wilcox

God is love, and God is life. :) 

the naked vulnerable one in the corner do not cover them up sorrow and mercy covers their face hatred and love in their soul laughter cannot come from their lips when talking they make no sense and it leaves the next person confused people want to help yet they just want to stand their naked for all to see help cannot help a vulnerable soul you see the callous and want to rip it off yet they laugh at the thought life isnt easy leave it on they say because that is when i feel most free.

no: i won't give up

The pain I feel right now is the realest pain of my life. I wish for just a second the people in my life who aren't supportive could feel what I feel right now.

Knowing You Love Someone

People tell me, "I know you're in love, because you just have that glow." Alright, that's true, and the way I feel when I talk about him just re-affirms it over and over. I now get why people like to talk about their partner. I'm one of those people that never thought I'd fall in love "like that", but here I am. When I get down to it, it's more than just the happy things. This isn't going to be easy, not only is it long-distance, still. (He's in Texas, I'm in Utah.) BUT, there is other stuff in my life that is leaving me without a lot of support. I just continue telling myself, with the Lord all things are possible. These things are only going to make me stronger, in turn making us stronger. I feel like the Lord is preparing me for something, something in which I may be alone in doing. I'm more in tune with the spirit than ever and I love it.

I've dated other guys before, Jacob was the one I thought was the love of my life, yadda-yadda-yadda. He really was amazing though. He treated me great! My accident happened and he was there by my side, wanting to support me and help me get strong. All of a sudden one day he was gone. Through Facebook messages we connected, he was very rude to me. After a while he caught on that his wife (yes, he went and married a psycho) was messaging me through his Facebook account. After we talked for a few months he decided to leave his wife, no I was not the reason for their divorce, but I did open his eyes to things he wasn't seeing. I couldn't stand to watch someone I had once loved be hurt and broken down. This is how I knew I loved him.

Justin, oh goodness! The biggest jerk of my life walked into my life. He was from Alabama, don't date guys from the south. Well, he was a piece of work. I don't quite get people like him, though I thought I loved him, until the day he called me a beotchy, and said I was the most inconsiderate person he had ever met ALL BECAUSE I didn't stop at a yield sign. We argued, we argued a lot. Not to mention I took him to a Utes Game, where he met my family. In the middle of the game he went and sat with some of his friends, in turn her left with said friends. Long story short, this one was long gone. I'm proud to say I could care less what this guy is doing in his life. Love here, absolutely not.

Jordan was a good one. He was one year younger than me when we dated about a year, wow almost two years ago! I feel old, but to have 5 steady boyfriends in your life at 21 also makes you look a bit desperate. He treated me nicely, he was funny, cute, sensitive . . . until he called me one night and started freaking out on me while I was at my aunt's house. He was a crazy turns out. He was telling me how I wasn't a good example because he wanted to go back to church and I didn't. GO BACK TO CHURCH THEN! I so hope he did. I'm sorry, but I wasn't ready, so I didn't do it. We never talked again. No love here either.

Von, cheated on his wife with me. Enough said, we can move on.

I've never dated someone with so much passion for life. Someone who is so future oriented. Someone who can make me feel so special just by kissing my cheek. His smile and laugh brightens any room. His sincerity and genuineness has everyone on the edge of their seat. He's courageous and strong. He's my soldier. He may not know how much I look up to him. He may not know the passion and drive he gives me. One day, I hope I can give him back, all of which he gives to me, and may not even know it.

Coping

Dr. Groot, a professor of mine in the College of Social Work once shared a quote in class: "The only thing constant in life is, change." Change is something so foreign to me. Big changes will be happening soon and I needed to find some comfort, so I turned to Grey's Anatomy for some quotes. 


"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth...the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is...everything."



I am listening to my heart. I am learning, expanding my mind and growing. I am listening not only with my ears but also with my eyes. I refuse to let things/ideas/people in my life that mean so much to me slip through the cracks. I will now be a filter. I will listen and take all advice happily, but I may not apply all advice.  


Abraham, is it. We've had the conversation. I asked if I could be honest, and of course he wanted me to be. I told him how I've told people he's the one, that I'm going to marry him. I never thought at 21 I would have fallen in love, and never with an African man. So many people have told me that they can see the love and adoration he gives and shows toward me. This makes my heart beam with happiness. When other's can see it, you know you don't give up, ever. 


"If there's just one piece of advice i can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. because the best things in life, they don't come free."


Today I shared something with Abraham, which I've shared with very few people. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated. We are so different, and it's beautiful. My happiness is what matters now, if someone tries to stop my progress, I finally won't care to leave them behind. 

Leaving my Mark Behind

I give out advice to a lot of people; some ask for it, other's do not. Either way I can never take my own advice. So, I look to music. There is always great advice out there in music, it's beautiful. The music video is pretty lame, but the words speak right to my heart. 

You will notice me
I'll be leaving my mark like initials carved
In an old oak tree, you wait and see

Maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I'll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold, I don't know
But I'm ready start 'cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less than something that says ?I was here?

I will prove you wrong
If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock
'Cause this dream's too strong and before too long

Maybe I'll compose symphonies
Maybe I'll fight for world peace
'Cause I know it's my destiny
To leave more than a trace of myself in this place!

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says ?I was here?

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothing less than something that says ?I was here?
I was here

Life has started . . .

From marriage to moving to Ghana, my life is starting. Abraham came "home" this week. We saw each other briefly last night; which was bitter-sweet. I then saw him again this evening; which was even more bitter-sweet. He met my father, he met up with my mother again (this is the second time they have met), he then met my dad's side. All my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We had dinner at Ruby River, which was great. He and my dad bonded a little and talked about military life. We then met up with my mom at her home where the dog Kingston bit Ab. He took it like a man, awe, my strong soldier. We then went and celebrated my uncles 17th birthday. We enjoyed some cake and ice cream and hung out for a few minutes before coming back home. Here we discussed so many things, my brain has so much to think about. But, I finally feel as though my life is starting. A few things I learned and/or discovered this evening:

 The word deploy makes my stomach ache.
 His hugs and kisses mean more to me than I ever though was possible.
 Ab will be the greatest: husband, father, and best-friend.
 Trust/Honesty/Communication are what is going to make our relationship flourish.
 Abraham has the most adorable laugh and smile in the whole world.
 Abraham is a leader and is going to go far in life, with me by his side.
 He is my soul-mate, my life-partner, and my forever-companion.

I'm a little love struck, and I'm proud to call Abraham my soldier. :)

xoxo

Hello my name is . . . HIPSTER

Since I'm hipster and posted this on Facebook, please know why . . . I never knew about Kony, but I knew about the LRA. I knew about child abductions, I knew about children soldiers, I knew about little girls being sex slaves. I knew all of these things not only in Uganda, but in the rest of the world. Raising awareness through a video/documentary/youtube clip is completely acceptable, in my opinion. How else are people going to know what is out there? (Maybe read a book, I recommend "Half the Sky". If it weren't for me being in the College of Social Work, I admit, I probably wouldn't know about any of it. I'm blessed to have my education behind me, and it's refreshing to meet people who knew about all of these things without an education.


Now, when it comes to the aspect of money, one of my colleagues is from Haiti and was talking about how America came in to provide aid to the people of Haiti, and the people who needed it most didn't get it because there was nobody to hold anyone accountable. I believe that is what will happen with this movement if money actually goes to Uganda. We are also being very western, with out western lense. Let's go in and fix it! No, let's partner with the people of Uganda and see what they believe their challenges are first, and work together as a team. We as American's are no better than developing countries, because in reality we are still a developing country. 

My dream is that we can all live in peace and harmony, if that is following the crowd, I'm alright with it. LOVE will prevail. 


So, if this makes me a hipster, I'll wear the name proudly. :)


P.S. I do believe in the people of the world, and power in numbers. Change is possible, with the right steps and actions. 

Love

I have so much love to give. I cannot wait to change the world. :) 

Firework

I also have dedicated this song to my clients . . . but I now dedicated it to all my Social Work friends. You are all beautiful fireworks, believe in yourself and the world will too. (I also want to send a special shout out to Stephanie, Kari, Asheleigh, Alexis, Tedi & Jenika. You're all beautiful ladies. I love each and every one of you.)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Dream Big

I fell in love with this band after they came and did a free concert for Midvale City Harvest Days. And this song has always been one of my favorites. I currently dedicated it to my clients . . . and I dedicate it to all my beautiful Social Work friends! 

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes
'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - MLKJ

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.


All the hatred, yet all the love. Do not fight, do not back down. This, and so much more Martin Luther King Jr. not only said to do, but taught to do, through example. Close people to me know about some recent quarrels I've had regarding Abraham. At first I thought it was going to be a joking/light conversation over some pool, which turned into me loosing respect, yet still maintaining my composure. I felt Martin Luther King Jr., my childhood hero, and my now adulthood mentor, there with me that night. I never got upset, on the outside. I never raised my voice. I was calm and had full composure and my only worry was my safety. How I was going to get out of a situation that continued to escalate. He (MLKJ) continued to say, "stay calm, and do not show defeat. BUT, get out!" Now, this could have been my heavenly father as well, but I continuously had the above quote going through my head. Me getting upset that evening would have done NOTHING! I didn't get defensive, I wasn't argumentative and now this quarrel is still open. 


This person and I were in the same quarters about a week later yet, this person was still very rude to me. I continued to hold and keep my composure. 


About another week later this person texted me telling me we needed to talk. I let this person know we didn't need to talk because this person will never agree with my relationship, and that is not my problem. I said, "Let me learn on my own, let me grow on my own. I am putting myself first. And if I were to get hurt, which I highly doubt, but that it would't be the first time." 


My biggest problem with this entire quarrel is over the color of his skin. It's just pigment. Abraham is a beautiful human being. He has never hurt me: emotionally or physically. Yeah, I was sad that he didn't come the couple times he said he was going to. But, I would much rather him learn and become proficient in his job, as a soldier, fighting for me and my country. I want to get him back alive when he comes home from war. Racism is disgusting, racism is something I will never be alright with. I will not stand silent, I will not act like everything is alright. Not to mention when you call me dumb, and stupid, and tell me to smell the coffee. No, you smell the coffee and you open your eyes. You will lose me as a member of your family if this continues. I will not stand for it. 

"I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." - MLKJ

For Abraham

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try, try to divide, something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there ain't no one

No one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you