Mrs. Mohlakola

I wanted to take this time and thank my fiance for making me a better woman every day of my life. The best part of our relationship is how I fall more and more in love, every day, with this man. He is the sweetest, funniest, calmest, most sincere person that I know. He is my anchor, and helps me to keep firm in my foundation. He is my best friend, my soul-mate, my rabbit, my anchor. He tells me like it is, holds me to my word, and accepts me for who I am, whole-heartedly. I have never felt this kind of unconditional love until I met Christopher. He is my other half, the person that I need, and the person that I want. Thank you for loving me through everything. You are my rock, you are my happy place, and you mean everything to me.  

i should have been in the kitchen

11/01/2013:

as we had that sweet conversation 

he was vulnerable 

the way i had never seen him

beautifully vulnerable

in a vibrant way

his touch is a touch to remember

his tears are tears that pierce my heart

even still to this day.

11/02/2013:

sadness

desperation

disbelief 

filled the room

the funeral director arrived

she was pushed into the kitchen

many others followed

as the sister it was my duty to stay

images like his tears 

images like his touch

pierce my heart

not even as close

as watching the move 

from bed

to

stretcher

bones.cracking.hearts.shattering

i should have been in the kitchen

Although, it has been a huge sigh of relief my heart is still broken.

They were right, they were really right. 

All I know is that I am left here ... without you. Missing you, wishing you were still here to be with me. To sit with me, and just chill with each other. To simply be. siblings. 

Two souls.

One heart.

ily.

PROTEST for Fictitious DUI(s)

On Thursday, December 19th, 2013 I will stand in solidarity with my boyfriend's mother, sister, and any other human rights activists willing to stand in support of unlawful DUI's, and in particular my boyfriend's. We are not standing there to shame ALL West Jordan Police or to say they are ALL are corrupt, or at fault. We are simply standing there to say, we will not go away, until these bogus DUI's cease to continue.

If you aren't doing anything, and would like to join with us in protest before his hearing on December 19th, 2013 please do so. If you can stay for the hearing as well, he would love any additional support. 

Below are photos, videos, and links for additional information. Also, at the protest we will have the documents supporting our cause. Proof of NO alcohol, and NO illegal drugs in his blood work. Also, the witness' statement, along with the police reports. His mother also has and ongoing petition you can sign online, or at the protest on Thursday.

12/09/2013

12/10/2013

12/11/2013

12/17/2013

12/17/2013

12/17/2013

12/17/2013

12/17/2013

Watch this video - Victoria explaining why we are out protesting:

Until I can upload the video of Victoria victoriously delivering the petition this morning, here is the link to it: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152111026216967&set=o.600666959994944&type=2&theater

Thank you for your time!

Kasandra Atkinson

The LINK to the protest's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/events/600666959994944/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

The LINK to the online petition - additional names will be taken to the Governor daily: http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/utah-judge-kunzs-court-1.fb40?source=c.fb.ty&r_by=2084158

The day I quit . . .

As a young adult, I have experimented with alcohol. I'm sorry, but if you tell a human NOT to do something, they're more than likely going to do it. Like when you tell a young child not to touch the stove, it's 'hot', the child has to touch the stove to find out for his/her self . . .  or else they'll never learn. I think, this example holds true to many other aspects of life.

Today I am thankful for the will power my Heavenly Father has given me. It has been a true two month sobriety for myself. That's right, two months. I am not here to brag or boast, nor am I here to applaud myself. 

I in no way, shape, or form think a drink once in a while is a bad thing. Really, I don't. But, when you're using it to cope, when you're using it to numb, or when you use it and you change as a person ( as a whole) I think that is where the issue rises. 

Why did I stop? Well, I could see it being an issue in my future. I wanted a well-rounded life. I didn't want to sit in depression with everything that has gone on in the past month and drink my sorrows away. 

All I can say is that I am proud that I put the adult beverages down, saw that now was not the time, nor the place for such beverages. I am glad that I have the knowledge that drinking does no good for the body, mind, heart and/or soul. 

Love one another :) 

Asheleigh Ramirez

You have friends in your life that are put in your life for a reason. Today, Asheleigh Ramirez is the one that I am thankful for. This girl has been by my side, even when we were too young to realize what friends really were. I remember her being told by another person in our friend circle that I kissed her boyfriend, Victor. This started the feud we had between each other. I wouldn't ever kiss a boy that I knew a friend liked. I was too shy for that anyways. Through the years we laughed, cried, hated, and loved with and toward each other. Her home felt like my home, and I was envious when other friends of ours got her attention more than me. I fought for her time, for her friendship, and I would do it all again if I had to. Asheleigh is the reason I like Usher and B2K. I cannot listen to either of their music and not think of her. I was in Asheleigh's Quienceanera, which was an amazing celebration of such a beautiful woman. Now, we get together every so often and have girl's nights/days and it is amazing. I can go to her for her honest opinion, and I know that I will get it. I know that she only has my best interest in mind, and that she loves me whether I accept her advice, or not. My love for her isn't your average love for a friend. She is my sister, my other half, and quite possibly my soul mate. Soul mate to some is a romantic partner, but I am taking it further than that. Asheleigh knows me inside and out, she loves me for me. The best part is her child. When she told me she was pregnant I was stunned, to be honest. Now that he is here, and now that he is part of my life, I love him like I do my own baby cousins. He is just as much family as Asheleigh is. I am a blessed woman to have these two incredible people in my life.    I love you, girl. 

P.S. 

I promise to never forget how to spell your name, ever. 

Jinx

To think that I had jinxed myself. I had told myself that life was going so great, that life was beautiful, than nothing could get me down. Now, I wish I could take that all back. The Lord had given me a break from any trauma, any loss, any upsetting events in order to be able to handle my current situation. He won't give me more than I can handle. BUT, one thing is for sure. I'm not testing fate anymore. I just hope that I begin to feel soon, and that I can deal with the mess of loss in my heart. 

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Today has been a huge day of reflection. I wanted to drop off a treat for Pat (my hero, the man who saved my life on 11/14/2007) on the six year anniversary of a motor vehicle accident that I was in. I planned ahead and bought him a Hickory Farms sausage/cheese/cracker package and a Ferrero Rocher chocolate package with white/milk/dark hazelnut chocolate deliciousness. All with a really sweet, simple, card. 

When he met me at the front door of the Fire Station he said, "Those big blue eyes, I would recognize those big blue eyes anywhere!" He introduced me to some of his fellow crew members before we went and sat down in his office. He proceeded to tell me his story, that of which I have never heard. He said, “I have a few things to talk to you about.” As I began to shake, and feel tears form, I had the largest smile I have had in a really long time. He proceeded to look at me, and as I looked in his own bright blue eyes I knew his soul. I knew that we were meant to meet. I knew that he was meant to help save me. 

He told me that he was so pissed off, because the DMV moved locations, and he needed to do his yearly registration on his truck.   He could see the aftermath of some sort of accident, and he told himself that 'this couldn't be happening'. He told me that there must have been a lot that he was supposed to do that day, though he couldn't recall what. He pulled over, and was assessing the situation when a lady came up and said that she was a nurse. He said that he could see B and J in the front seat, and that they were breathing, when a guy called him over and said there is someone in the backseat. Pat said that he jumped on the trunk as both doors were jammed, as he couldn't get them to open. He then called two guys over and said, ‘look, I need your help! This girl doesn't appear to be breathing. You both need to pull on that door, but don't hurt yourself.'      The first pull, nothing. The second pull, the door unjammed.      Pat told me that earlier today (11/14/13) he went to a scene of an accident and that they couldn't even get the Jaws of Life to get this guy out, and unfortunately his story doesn't have the same happy ending. He said that the car I was in was worse than this guy’s vehicle, and the door just unjammed. He paused; he said 'that is just amazing' then preceded. He told me that when he finally got in the car I wasn't breathing, he took his knife out (mind you he is off duty as a paramedic, and doesn't have his gear with him) and was getting ready to do a tracheotomy on me with this knife, when someone said, "wait, the seat belt it is all twisted around her." He couldn't see the seat belt as I was laying on it. He said he cut off the seat belt and thanked God he didn't have to do a tracheotomy with his pocket knife. He said that he then took the vomit out of my mouth, and my eyes opened, and "those blue eyes, those beautiful bright blue eyes stared at me." He said it felt like thirty minutes to get the choppers in the area, even though it had been maybe six minutes. He said, "Then you were in the chopper, and they weren't leaving and I was pacing back and forth, worried." He said he later found out that the computers were down at the new IMC in Murray, and that is why it took so long. 

On another note, think about how everything works together, like a well oiled machine. If the DMV hadn't moved locations . . . I wouldn't be here. If he the door wouldn't have opened . . . I wouldn't be here. If IMC's computers had been up I wouldn't have gotten the best care. If I wouldn't have gone to the U, I wouldn't be here to tell my story. 

The best part of tonight was when he said, "Your outlook on life is special, young lady. You don't see this as the end of the road. You didn't see it as a woe is me; you saw it as well, and look what I can do! Not look at what I cannot do. Amazing! Look at what you're doing for others. Most people wouldn't have done half of what you have done, including being able to walk, talk, and graduate." 

He then walked me out to my car, hugged me and said he couldn't wait for his kids to meet me. He said, 'forgive me for not knowing today was the anniversary, it's not that I don't remember you, or think about you often. He said, on my hardest days, when things don't go the way I would have wanted them to go, I remember that car door, and I remember those big blue eyes. I remember that it is out of my control, that I CAN do my job, that I KNOW my job, that I am proficient.'  I can now see why he didn't consider him my hero, what an incredible, humble, amazing, man. 

Everything happens for a reason. Smile, because it's only temporary :)

xo,

Kas 

07/22/1997 ~ 11/02/2013

My sweet baby brother passed away on November 2nd, 2013 at 3:20 am. He was the light of my life. Luckily, on November 1st, 2013 before I left his home I was able to read a sweet letter from a family friend. This letter had a lot to do with the after life. Jt told me he was no longer scared. That even though he was going into the unknown, for him, he knew it would be beautiful. I wanted to stay, something was pulling me to stay, but I left around 8:30. I was a fortunate person to be able to sit and hold his hand. I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, and how proud I was of him. I told him he was the strongest person that I knew, and he thanked me, so humbly. Jt was very emotional with me that evening, which surprised me. Usually he tells everyone to be strong, but as he choked back the tears, he told me he loved me. He asked me to hold his hand, and we cried. I was able to have the last deep conversation with my brother, and I will always be thankful for that. 

As the viewing ensued, emotions were raised, and many a tear fell. Jt was loved by EVERYONE that he met. How amazing is that? Many talked, including grandma, mom, aunt Nonie, Jessie, Trevor, Noah, many friends from school and myself. My sweet students from Hillcrest drew/wrote me cards. I broke, and that was okay. I needed some sort of sign that I needed to get back to Hillcrest. Dres Anderson, and Reggie Dunn came to his viewing as well. When they walked through the door I broke down so hard, because I knew it was what Jt would have wanted. I was separating Dres and Reggie from football, and seeing them in their true light. I rushed up to Dres, and he stepped back quickly. I hugged him, and didn't want to let go. I was SO happy he was there for Jt. Jt was wearing a number 6 jersey, which is Dres' jersey number. He felt honored. 

Tonight was Jt's Remembrance - at Hillcrest. There was a lot of food, including dessert. My brother Chris was there, and that was really nice. It was like a breath of fresh air. He also came with my new friend Annika. My friend Alexis came with her mom, and her baby. Matt and Stacey performed Who You'd be Today - by Kenny Chesney. Which was amazing. After which my mom spoke a little bit, and then my grandma, Rickie, cousin Danny, aunt Mare, Ryan, myself, and a few of his friends spoke. After we let the balloons go for Jt in Heaven his friends Nate Orchard, and Jeremiah Tofaeono (J.T.) stopped by and watched the picture video that Rickie had put together. They hugged my mother and I, and once again I found myself separating the football aspect, and fell in love with their kindness. They are true gentlemen, and were so needed in the moment that they were there. Jt will definitely bless them for their good works.  

My mom talked about how Jt's everyday hat was not in the stuff we had packed, but yet was in my car ready to be placed out to show. Which is proof he is here with us still. Then, many of his friends talked about how Jt probably saved lives by being so loving and kind toward everyone. Also, one of his girl friend's said that one of her girl friend's wanted to ask Jt to a dance, but that she was scared of rejection. Little did she know that Jt was scared of rejection as well. 

I can honestly say that I have learned a lot on how to be a better person by knowing Jt. As his sister I never saw these sides of Jt, because well, I'm his sister. But, hearing of these stories makes me love him ten times more than I did before, and I loved him a lot! Jt was an amazing human being. To be so perfect, that Heavenly Father wants him back early, is amazing.

Bro, I cannot wait to see you again. Please get paradise ready, and make it to where the Utes win every game. Only if you have some extra time! Watch over those of us who need you most. I love you, and you're always welcome in my pad. Lord knows you never came to hang out when you were with us. Please make your presence clear, that would be legit AF. 

God knows how I miss you. All the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place. ~ You're always in my heart, never forgotten. Rest in Paradise 

Balloon Bouquet 

The set up at Jt's Remembrance.

Letting the balloons free, to fly to Heaven. 

All of our sweet notes for Jt in Heaven. 

Balloons sure do know how to put a smile on my face. 

Do what makes your soul shine.

Thanks for the insight. Keep it coming. Love you, times infinity. XOXO

~ Sissy

Today I am Thankful . . .

Today I am thankful for my current place of business. Today is my three year anniversary of working here. I cannot tell you the happiness and joy I get from working in these group homes. I have learned the value of unconditional love. I have learned patience. I have learned how much people with disabilities can impact your life on such an amazing level. I love my ladies, and really I love every client in this company. They each have such amazing strengths. I learn something new everyday, and even on my toughest days I would rather be working here than anywhere else!

Today I am Thankful . . .

Today I am thankful for friends and family. I am thankful for friends who have turned into family. I am also thankful for family who have turned into friends. It is amazing how people can band together to love and support each other. It is amazing to feel love from someone simply through a text message. It is amazing the love that my family, and friends are as supportive and loving as they are. Thank you.

xo,

Kas

Today I am Thankful . . .

I find it so uplifting to know that there are amazing people in the world. These people make me want to be better! Today on 11/01/2013 I am thankful to every donor that has donated money on the GoFundMe website. My brother can have his mother at his side, and that to me is key in this end of life experience. Not only is it beneficial to JT, but also to my mother. 

T H A N K   Y O U ! ! ! 

XO,

Kas

Keep Calm and Fight Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy

I have heard J.T. referred to as John far too much the past few weeks. John is my great-grandfather's name, my grandfather's name, my uncle's name, and my brother's name. But, J.T. doesn't go by John. Typically we correct people on his name, but it's hard for doctors with all their patients, to call someone by their nickname. After a week of them being around at Primary Children's Hospital, they soon all called him J.T. 

J.T. has been my rock, although he may not know this, because I've never told him (that I can remember). He is the reason I am the person that I am. Granted, those that helped raise me, my friends, my past, and present experiences, etc. have a lot to do with why I am the way I am, HE is the biggest reason. I am a Social Worker because of him, I am a Program Director working with people with disabilities because of him. I am wanting to do Special Education because of him. EVEN though he wants nothing to do with the SPED. he is my reason. 

God sends us special people. I have seen him change people, just by them knowing of him. He is an inspiration to all the lives he has touched. J.T. is the reason so many of us in the family have patience (HEY! Imagine the patience some of the adults had before he came along ;)). It is the reason so many of us in the family have a deeper relationship with God, and Jesus Christ. It is the reason so many of us have a deeper love for football. It is the reason so many of us have more grey hair. It is the reason so many of us have more migraines. Okay, back on track. What I am trying to say is that we ALL love J.T.!!!

At this point, I find it my duty as his big (not that way!) and oldest (not that old!) sister to help him with one of his last wishes. He wants our mother to be able to be home with him. No one can fill a mother's spot, no one. He wants her there, and I want to make that as possible as I can. She has run out of PTO (paid time off) and has no sick/vacation time as she has not been with her company long enough. 

If you would read the following, and help donate, even a dollar or two! Everything helps. Rent, bills, car payments, any of the odds and ends that J.T. may want or need, etc. It is helping out my baby brother, and my mother. They are my loves, my faves, and my family. I want them to both be able to have this time together. If you're unable to donate, pass this on to a friend, maybe they can, or they know someone who can donate! MUCH LOVE to everyone who has been apart of this entire process. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you :) 

J.T. is a sixteen year old young man. He is currently in extreme Congenital Heart Failure, because of his Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. He is a lover of the University of Utah football team, and his favorite player is Dres Anderson. He loves all of the guys on the team, and all of the coaches. If you have any questions concerning football, he is your guy. He has been blessed to have met some of the players, and the head coach, Kyle Whittingham. At this time we are asking for assistance in bringing together some funds so that his mother may be at his bedside, as it is one of his last wishes. J.T. is amazing, and we love him more than words can even attempt to say.

Also please be praying. PLEASE, PLEASE try and help. Thank you. You can donate at Wells Fargo under JT Nimmo or herehttp://www.gofundme.com/4yypgk" 

A Second Wish Granted

My brother was given a wish when he was young. You see, my brother hasn't had a long life. The way I break it down is walking years, and wheelchair years. Either way, they are years, years that we have cherished. My brother's first wish was granted during his walking years. Through Make-A-Wish he was sent to Florida where we stayed in a beautiful place, filled with happiness and joy. He went to Walt Disney World, and Universal Studios. The family went with, well, besides grandpa. I know he enjoyed his 'vacation' of having no one around for a week. This first wish was special, because he was a wide-eyed, naive, not-knowing-what-the-reality-of-his-life-would-be, child.

Last night, my brother had another wish granted to him. Through family friends, and a hospice nurse, Coach Whittingham came to my brother's home. I cried, and smiled. My heart was full of happiness for my little brother. Five minutes later, four linemen were at the door knocking. They filled the room, as they were linemen (you don't realize how big they are until there is no room in the living room!) They visited with my brother, and admired all of the decor in my mom's home. Everywhere Coach turned he saw Utah, Utah, Utah. Coach was proud, you could see it in his smile. He gave my brother a visor of his that he has worn in past games. Then, Coach asked J if he wanted to come down on the field before, and after the game. He asked J if he wanted to get a tour of the locker room. He was wide-eyed, and happy, only he wasn't naive, and he now knows what the reality of his life will be.

Life is beautiful, life is fragile. Don't take it for granted. When you have bad days, smile, because it's all only temporary. Most importantly, do what is important to you. Do what you really love, and never go a day without telling the ones that you love, how much you love them.

xo,
Kas

Graduate School

When I entered my Cultural Diversity and Understanding classroom at The University of Utah, College of Social Work, I had no idea that I was going to fall passionately in love with school, far more than I had ever fallen in love with anything.

My cohorts often discussed what they were going to do, and what their next step was. Often the topic of graduate (grad) school would come up, and I would shut down. I thought that my Bachelor of Social Work would be plenty, that my thirst for knowledge would diminish once I had my degree. It's not that I didn't think I was good enough, or that I didn't deserve to go to graduate school. I simply had minimal desire to go. 

I "graduated" in December of 2012, and having eight months of a break I began the process of contemplating grad school. After nine months of a break I began the process of asking, timidly, if people I looked up to within the Social Work profession, would be willing to write a recommendation for grad school. After I received a plethora of "yes", "of course", "it would be an honor", and "I was waiting for you to ask." I knew that I needed to apply. 

Now, after a month of completing a few lists, gathering items, and countless hours of writing I have submitted my application. It wouldn't have been possible without so many amazing people helping me attain the courage to actually start the thought process of graduate school. These people, who were so generous, are individuals I will never be able to repay in any way shape or form. That folks, is Social Work.

I uploaded the documents needed. I double, and triple checked the application. I typed in the numbers on my debit card. I hit submit. I typed my full time. I hit the "I agree/I understand" button. Then the "Thank you" page popped up on my screen. I had just sent in my application for graduate school. 

I sat, dumbfounded, had I just sent it? I really, really, just sent it. Then, I cried. I cried happy tears. I cried because I was doing something I once had never even known about. I cried because I was doing something I once never thought possible. I cried because I was doing something I once was told would never happen. I cried because I was finally proud of myself. I, Kasandra, am proud. I cannot tell you how great that feels. I am happy. 

xoxo,
Kas

Great-Grandma: Floris P. Cole

My great-grandmother was one of the most amazing women that I have ever know, in my entire life, no contest. I was lucky to live right down the street from her for many years as a young child. Not only that, but she was the glue to my family. My fondest memories of her was when I would have sleep overs and she would spoil me like none other by: 

1. Tickling my feet 
2. Making me the PERFECT peanut butter and honey sandwiches (she always knew just how much to put on each side.) 
3. She would always let me play dress up, by putting on all of her different lip stick, and blush. 
4. I was fond of her goody drawer; full of all types of pastries. 
5. I would go down in her sewing room, where I would look at all of her different buttons.
6. We would watch ice skating together. 
7. Thanksgiving Day games at the table after dinner, between pie. 
8. The Santa Claus sack, of which I remember some of the most random presents (especially toward the end of her life, and deeper dementia.) 
9. The conversations I would have with her, and when she would always talk about her cordial cherry chocolates that her father would give to her for both her birthday and Christmas. 
10. The way she would always let me talk, and talk, and talk, and she always made me feel like everything I had to say was the most important thing in the world. 
11. Playing tic-tac-toe, hangman, monkey in the barrel, and pick-up-sticks. ALL of which was in her buffet in the dining room. 
12. Going through her jewelry in her back bedroom and thinking of how glamorous she was as a young woman/middle-aged woman. 
13. Moving in, and living with her and listening to all of her funny stories, mostly because of her dementia. 
14. Sitting on the porch with her, and visiting with Mr. Sheriff (the crossing guard.) 
15. Her never letting you leave without at least accepting a drink from her. 
16. Her fridge downstairs that was old SKOOL, which you used a screw driver to open the fridge with.
17. When she first got zipper, and she would jump up into your arms and bark at herself in the mirror. 
18. Her yell, which was my whisper.
19. Going out to lunch with her and my Aunt Marilyn . . . and all the Sunday drives. 
20. Most of all I loved my great-grandma for all of the love that I felt, and continue to feel from her. She may be gone, but she will love on forever. 

I love her for all of the wonderful things that she stood for, and continues to stand for. I still don't know her religious preference. I still don't know her political stance. I just know that she is the type of woman that if anyone said anything bad about her, I wouldn't be able to believe it. That is how I want to live my life. I want to love everyone. Laugh often. Forgive easily. Talk calmly.Oh, yeah, and love, love, love. 

I miss you! GONE, but NOT FORGOTTEN. Love you forever and for always. 09/09/09 

Don't let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you.

One of my staff encouraged me to follow a link, which was in essence something that our society, isn't thought of enough. She heard me read aloud each and every word. When I was finished she said, "I didn't even think about this aspect." I thought to myself, "Wow! Really?" She considers herself a feminist. At what degree, I am unsure. I was blown away, not in any way to degrade her, but that she hadn't ever thought of it from this view point. There has been an article/letter going around titled, “Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.” The following article can be found here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/28/dear-son-dont-let-robin-thicke-be-a-lesson-to-you/

But, the following part not only made me cry, but reminded me what as parents our job is for the next generation. Also, it is the exact reason why I don't want to be a parent. I don't want to have to explain why my generation has decided to do what we have decided to do. I don't want to have to explain right from wrong, I want it how my parents had it ... common sense. Great entertainers and well, less sex ... ism, what am I saying? Sexism is alive and well, just as much as racism, and any other ism on the planet. 

Dear son,

Don’t let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you.

Don’t let any of these pigs and perverts you see on TV be a lesson to you. They treat women like garbage; they possess no chivalry, no self control; they are disloyal and dishonest; they spend all day pursuing pleasure at the expense of others, and they encourage you to do the same. You might be tempted to follow suit. In fact, you WILL be tempted. These male pop stars and celebrities, look at them, you’ll think. They take advantage of emotionally broken, self loathing, confused young women, and they are rewarded handsomely for it. Look at their nice clothes and their nice cars. Look how they are admired and loved. Look, they treat women like trash and other women fawn all over them because of it. This must be how real men behave, you’ll think.

And you’ll be wrong. You’ll be wrong about a lot of things in life — this is what it means to be human — but never will you be more wrong than when you feel the temptation to buy the lies that pop culture sells about the nature of true masculinity. Son, there is nothing glamorous or fun about being a man of low character and no integrity. What you see on TV is a facade. It’s a sales pitch. It’s poison. You see the bright lights and the sexy women, but you don’t see what happens when the cameras are off and these pop culture gods return to their lives as mere mortals. You don’t see them in their big, empty, lonely houses. You don’t see the emptiness in the pit of their souls. You don’t see all the alcohol and drugs they have to use to dull the pain of living a life devoid of real, committed relationships. You don’t see the hatred they have for themselves and for humanity. You don’t see the jealousy they have towards normal, decent men.

Your dad is no celebrity. He’s just an average, boring guy. But he’s got something that every famous and non-famous womanizer envies: He’s got the love and commitment of ONE beautiful, smart, faithful woman. He’s got your mom, and he’ll only have your mom until the day he dies. He ought to be waking up every day shouting praises to the Lord because of that.

Listen, son, don’t let the world tell you how to be a man. They don’t know anything about the subject.

Men are loyal. Men are honest. Men respect and honor women. A man goes out and finds one woman, and he vows to protect and love her for the rest of his life. A man would never betray that vow. Even the weakest and most cowardly man — if he is a man at all — would die for the woman he loves. Your dad is no hero, but let someone try to hurt your mom and watch him suddenly turn into Superman (or Batman, whichever you prefer).

See, son, you don’t have to be big and strong to be a man, although I think you will be one day. You don’t have to be “cool” or athletic. You don’t have to play guitar or fix cars. These are all fine things, but they don’t define a man. A man is defined by how he treats women, by how he keeps his promises, and by how he protects and serves the ones he loves. That’s what makes a man a man. My dad taught me that, he taught it by example. I pray I can do the same for you.

Oh, and by the way, if I ever catch you disrespecting women, I will sit you down and talk to you about it. But first I’ll kick your butt up and down the street. That’s a promise.

Love,

Your old man 

Love

The idea that one person can love another person, cheat on that person with another person, love that person, cheat on that person with another person, and then love that person is something I will never understand. 

Look I get it, I don't know all the ins and outs. I don't know the details of each relationship. Just tell me how, if you love that person, which you said you did, you can't/won't/don't want to work it out with them?

Also, tell me why the person you cheated with would then love you back. I think I can see why I have so many trust issues. The one person I always thought I could trust, I can't.

Xo,

Kasandra 

WHO I GREW UP WITH

My brother, J.T. has DMD (Duchene Muscular Dystrophy). He turns 16 on 07/22/2013, though we celebrated his birthday this evening. This was a little kid, whom is now a young man ... a young man that is maturing at a rapid rate. We get in these little petty arguments on Facebook, and I find humor in them. I do this to feel normal, normal with my only brother I grew up with. His wheelchair has never really affected me. I have always seen him as my brother, that is it. The wheelchair is just apart of him. In the past, when I was 18 and younger I would complain about helping him. Now that I am older I don't complain, and I usually jump to helping him, if possible if I am available. I know that he won't be here forever. I know that none of us will be here forever. Now that he is 16, I want to make our relationship even better. By doing that I would tease him less, and I would harp on him less, etc. The only problem with this is I know that it would make our relationship feel less normal. He has less time on this earth than your typical person, and I'm not sad about that. REALLY, I'm not. I just don't want to treat him any different because of this fact. 

Bro, maybe now you get it ... maybe now you understand. I have never wanted you to not have an opinion, in fact I want your opinion to grown and mature. I want to remember your opinion on things, and when you're gone (and God forbid that comes too soon) I want to know what you would do. I want to do the things which you would do. I know you're smart. I know you're kind. AND I know you're loving. I want to keep a part of you in my heart forever, and for always. So, next time I give you a hard time, give me just as hard of a time. That's what I want. I love you. Forever. Foralways. xo

America's Truth. Not the REALity

United States Slavery is the equivalent of the German Holocaust. 

Just as all Germans aren't responsible for The Holocaust, not all American's are responsible for Slavery. 

But, just as any German with any relation, particularly with an SS officers last name is ashamed, I, a person with white skin am ashamed. 

I am ashamed to be white.

Most would call me lucky, but doesn't help the fact that I am ashamed. 

One day I was sitting in one of my Social Work courses, and we were watching a movie about Native American's. At a particular point in the film, I raised my hand, (my hands were shaking, my heart racing, my stomach was in my throat, and I'm sure my voice shook) as I proceeded I said something to the affect of, "I cannot believe MY people did this." As I got to the word "MY" I began to cry. Everyone turned to look at me, seeing as how me crying in class wasn't rare, I had gotten pretty used to it. Professor Dena a Native American herself, seemed dumbfounded, yet supportive as I was crying like a baby. I proceeded and said, "I'm ashamed. I'm sad, and sick, and cannot get over how my people have treated others throughout history." She just stood there strong, with a backbone, and one of my forever inspirations. 

I have a lot of white guilt, and many would say that I shouldn't, I cannot help but hold onto this said, "White Guilt." I've discussed this with many people, and I no longer take it in and hold on to it, I educate myself . . . and ensure that I know I am fully innocent on the actions of my ancestors. 

I look at pictures of slave fortresses in Ghana, and think deeper, and FEEL emotions that pictures shouldn't bring out of someone. I know that I am meant to live in Africa, and I promise you one day, no matter on what part of that beautiful continent that I live, I will LIVE, and I will love. I will leave a piece of me there, that maybe will leave my soul in pristine condition. That maybe will make me whole, again. Maybe I can share that I never knew the truth, until I paid to learn the truth. No one tells you anything, until you pay for it. You learn AMERICA'S truth, not HISTORY. Not the real truth. Not the reality. 

Time & Place

There is a time and place for everything. Today while at work I was talking to one of my new staff. As this was happening I began doing something, being a Social Worker. I began to find out why this person had certain personality traits, and why she "was the way she was." I have done this on many occasions since I have graduated from the University of Utah, College of Social Work. This experience was like none other. I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. I felt like I knew that at that moment, at that very moment, I was where I needed to be. I felt like everything that has happened needed to happen in order for me to be the person that I am. Not that this realization hasn't come to my attention before. I was needing a "sign", a sign from anyone. God maybe? The Universe maybe? Something, and I got it. I didn't pray for it. I didn't ask for it. I just thought about it.

Days like this I am thankful that there is a time and a place for everything! :)

People With Disabilities

“One of the basic needs of every human being is the need to be loved, to have our wishes and feelings taken seriously, to be validated as people who matter.”
― Harold S. Kushner

My favorite quote that comes to my mind when I think about my clients: my clients in the program I am over, and my clients as a whole in TKJ. Whether they have high or low functioning disabilities, they need the same love.

Yes, I have a lot of paperwork. Yes, I have a lot of responsibilities. BUT, my biggest responsibility is to do just that, love them, encourage them, and help them to fulfill their wishes, ensure their feelings are taken seriously, and to validate them as often as possible.

I know I would want the same. The same for myself. I thank the universe daily for letting me to be change I wish to see in the world. I thank the universe daily for helping me to get the education I have gotten. I thank the universe daily for helping me become the person that I am. I thank the universe for constantly allowing me to grow. Mostly, I thank the universe daily for opening my eyes . . .

If it weren't for my accident I wouldn't see the world the way I see it. 

. . . I would want the same for my brothers if they were in a group home. I would want the same for any of my children if I ever had to put them in a group home. 

Going to Grad school was at the top of my list, I thought it was what I needed to do next. But, after some deep thought, and meditation. I realized what I was doing, is what I wanted to do forever. Maybe working with disabilities in group homes isn't my fate, but working with people with disabilities is definitely my calling. 

I can see it, ever since middle school. In middle school I went to peer tutoring with the special education students. I LOVED this. I LOVED how enthusiastic these individuals were when I was of assistance to them. One of the girls couldn't talk, but her touch made me feel so much of her love, that words weren't needed. I cleaned one of the special education teachers rooms, as I was a janitor after school everyday. One day I got to talking to her. She told me that she knew that I would become a special education teacher one day. You know what? She is right, she can see special traits in everyone around her. I loved her for that. I will never forget that day.

Tonight, as I sit here, I know that I am where I need to be. I am happy that I am where I need to be. I am beyond blessed, beyond thankful, and above all, full of love for those around me. 

Smile, it's only temporary. 

P.S. 

Last night I was talking with one of my staff, and she said, "have you ever thought about how it will be in the next life?" I said, actually, I have. I can only imagine the reunion with the people who I have served, with all their transgressions left in mortality. I began to tear up, because I know that the ladies I have served, serve, and will continue to serve will greet me with open arms. It will be a blessed reunion, that I can only hope will be full or laughter, and forever friendships in the eternities. 

allofthewrongones

Letting the wrong ones go has been difficult for me. I have let go of so many people that I didn't WANT to let go of, too many times in my life. I have let go of so many people that I wanted to let go of, so that maybe they would come back to me. None have come back, and sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes, it is too lonely. You wonder if you'll find others like allofthewrongones. Though, you try not to think about it all too often, because that just gets you down.

                         These people, I thought, loved me, for me.
                         This may have been the case then, but is not the case now.

Trust is broken. Hearts begin to break. Tears are more common than laughter. You begin to grow up, and learn the actual meaning of True Friends, Best Friends, Love, Friendship, Happiness, Youth, and Life.



I could see myself in Texas. I could see myself doing my practicum in Texas. I could see myself starting a family in Texas. I could see me being an Army wife, in Texas. I could see all of this, and I was blindsided. He didn't give two-shits about me.

I had sleep overs every night with her, because we were best friends. Our parents didn't care what we did, so long as it was together. My first best friend relationship. I was warned. I was told. I couldn't blame anyone but myself, and one day school was hell. And one day I had no friends. And one day I decided she didn't determine my destiny. And one day I was fine with not having any friends. And one day I was fine with being determined to worry about school, and work, solely. This "break-up" was worse than any love I had ever been through. I cried myself to sleep, and couldn't breathe some days, but I learned. I learned that you cannot have your cake and eat it. I learned that life doesn't always go the way you plan. I learned that you cannot tell everyone, everything about you. I learned that not everyone deserves to be trusted.

So far allofthewrongones have led me to all of the right ones. So far, allofthewrongones have been that way for a purpose. I wouldn't be where I am today without, allofthewrongones.

Humanity. Love. Respect. = for all.

I've posted this video previously in my blog, though, this one is a different version. SAME LOVE by, Macklemore is the song that made me fall in love with him as an artist. At this point I'm posting this video because I like some of the words Paradise Fears adds to the song. . .

"Ask yourself what kind of person do you wanna be? And how many commandments are gonna rule how you think? And do we really mean it when we say He loves us all? And do we really believe it when they say that we're created equal? Of course I do, I'm not a racist, or an asshole. Yet, we can treat them less if their love is homosexual. Well, rules are rules. And the Bible's pretty clear here. Yeah, we know, we get it. But we don't live by procedure. We decide what's right, by what's right. Not what's written. We evolve past our outdated norms and dispositions. We don't exclude people based on the footnotes of exodus. Like my friend Halie who loves both of her dad's. You wanna tell her their love is different? You wanna make that distinction? You wanna tell her that this beautiful, and limitless thing we called love has rules? And a proper way to do it? And that their love, is less love, because an old book don't approve it. I guess, here's how I see it: you gotta heartbeat like mine. Probably get that same feeling when your fingers intertwine. Well me love, es su love. Same Heart. Same Love. Bout time that we raised up, same-sex ... press play, don't press pause, progress press on. With the veil over our eyes, we turn our backs to the cause. A world so hateful, some would rather die than be who they are. And a certificate on paper isn't gonna change it all, but it's a damn good place to start. So it's time that we stand without a doubt or concession.  Rather than sitting here gridlocked in oppression. We all raise our voices until their too loud to ignore. signing songs of acceptance. 

For those individuals who say things like, "we aren't created equal". 

No, sir, we aren't created equal, but you shouldn't get more rights, and privileges over another HUMAN being.

That's the equality I am FIGHTING for. I am fighting for equal rights, equal pay, equal privileges. I want my children to look back, and think how ridiculous it was for people to have to fight for marriage. Just like I look back and think about how ridiculous it was for people of color to be treated the way that they were. Yet they still fight, daily, for equal rights, and pay . . . even though it is between the lines.  

Don't tell me that same-sex marriage is ruining the sanctity of marriage, that you need a man and a woman to raise a child, that reverse-racism exists, or even that women are treated equal to men in the work place, or anywhere for that matter. 

Humanity.     Love.     Respect.     = for all. 

Humility

Today I added someone on Facebook whom has Cancer, then it reminded me of my friend who was just diagnosed with cancer. My mother who nearly had cancer. My grandpa who has had cancer, and goes to get chunks taken out of his skin when it comes back. My step-grandpa who I lost to cancer. All my other friends and family with cancer, and that that have friends and family with cancer. It smacked me in the face, and left me with streams of tears flowing from my eyes. My problems, though they are unfortunate, are far from the multitude that they could be. This week has been a week from hell, full of bad luck. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so many people to love me. I have so many people to love. I am one of the lucky ones. For those going through cancer, themselves, or with family or friends, my thoughts are with you. I pray that every person touched with cancer, may get good news soon. Love. Live. Laugh.

Smile, it's all only temporary. :)

That Smile

He makes me feel like Sunday morning rain. Like the wind in my hair while riding in a convertible. Like eating the first bite of your favorite candy bar. Like Springtime sun, after a long winter. Like the sand between your toes, on your favorite beach. Like you're whole. Like you're complete. Like you've found home, because home truly is where the heart is. He brings out the best in me, and I love him for that. He makes me feel amazing, and for that I will never be able to repay him. He believes he isn't good enough for me, but really it's the other way around. Like he says, "it's in the little things" and I can honestly say I've never heard anything more true. The way he holds me, kisses me, stares at me, those are the moments that I will forever cherish. He does something to my heart, no man has ever done before, and for that I am forever grateful. 

Smile - it's all only temporary,
Kasi :)

Barbie Skinny

As I grew up, I was told I was fat. Did I see it? No. As I grew up, I grew out of my fat phase, and into a beautiful young woman. My junior year I was in a terrible car accident, in a coma, in a vegetative state. I was told I would never walk, talk, or get the education I had fought so hard to get. First I was in a wheelchair, I then began to use crutches, then a walker, then I was full on walking. First I was using a feeding tube, then thickener, then whole food. I wasn't able to hit the gym for quite a while. I began "overly" not-taking-my-life-for-granted, eating whatever, whenever, however much I wanted.

I began to lose weight, for the wrong reasons. For society, for boyfriends, for friends, for "that" attention. This past year has been one of the hardest, it was the year I realized that I was fat. I could see it, for the first time. I could never see how fat I was, whether it was denial, I don't know. But, when I looked in the mirror I saw my 150 pound self, until this year. This year I saw the 300 pounds. This year I saw someone I knew I wasn't. But, I began having problems with my back. Most people probably think the back problems are because I'm fat, but really it's my SI joints, from my accident. Sure, the added weight isn't helpful, but it's not because I'm fat. 

So, here I sit, writing this blog. Putting it out for the world to see (the ten people that follow it.) I began being fit, I had lost 75 pounds, and looked great. I was reaching my fitness goals, then bam, life came down. But, I'm ready (and my doctors say I'm ready) to start again. I am going to be crawling to the door, to the car, to the gym, to the equipment at the gym, etc. for a  while. But, this time it is for me. Not for society, not for my family, not for boys, or anyone. I want to be fit. I will be fit. 

After seeing this image, and the description it makes me angry. Our society is fucked up. I can only hope that people really explain to their daughters (and sons) the importance of a balanced DIET, then they will never diet. Also, the importance of balanced exercise. I never want anyone to feel the ways I have felt over body image. It's damaging not only to ones physical health, but to ones mental health as well.  

If Barbie was an actual woman, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips and a size 3 shoe.

• Barbie calls this a “full figure” and likes her weight at 110 lbs.

• At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.

• If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

• Slumber Party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled “How to Lose Weight” with directions inside stating simply “Don’t eat.”