Growing Up

Growing up:

Where you forget how to be a child.
Where you wish for things that once were.
When you have to give up things you never thought you would.

I never wished for much in life growing up except to be a grown up. Here I am, all grown up. The way I am is nicer than I expected. I'm more loving and accepting (due to my education). Though, it's not as fun as I thought it would be. Adults would tell me, don't wish to grow up, you'll regret it. Thanks for that! I only wish I had taken that advice more seriously.

I can't wait to give my children the same advice I was given. Though, I'm going to make sure they don't wish to be an adult too often. I want to provide them with much needed direction in order to be a kid until they have to grow up. I can't wait. :)

The Spirit

The Spirit

I've felt the spirit a lot at certain points in my life and in others not a lot at all.

One particular moment when I felt the spirit especially strong was when Elder Zeiner and Elder Goble asked me to pray. I did that day, and that day I discovered God. I had been reading my scriptures (not as much as they (the missionaries) had hoped, but as much as I could manage) and I had been praying (not the way I do now, but as best I could, then). I had been living as righteously as I knew how. I was 15. I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven. I didn't believe in anything, until that moment. When I said aloud the words of prayer I felt this feeling that overcame me stronger than anything ever has. I didn't know what this feeling was called, but I knew it was good.

My mom asked the missionaries to come and teach me, and that next week I went to church. Immediately I fell in love with what I now call my, "home ward". I had such beautiful people around me who treated me as their own. I went to church, and had the teachings for eight months. I asked my mom about two months into the teachings if I could be baptized, and she asked me to partake of the lessons, and go to church a little longer. I continued to do as she asked, and about five months into it I asked again. She again asked me to continue in my lessons, and so I did. When seven months into it I thought to myself, I need this church in my life. With it I will stay away from the peer-pressures that were and are so predominant in the world today. I then wrote each one of my immediate family members a letter. In each letter I wrote about separate entities, and were each written for that person and I's relationship. Finally my family was willing to let me get baptized.

The night before my baptism was a dark night. I had very negative thoughts, and ideas running through my mind. At one point I just cried. I cried so hard because I felt so trapped under what I would call a spell, a dark spell that I never want to be under again. The next morning was very glorious. It was a beautiful day and I felt better than I had in a long time.

My mom and some of my distant cousins were the only family present. I had Elder Zeiner baptize me. I felt so loved that Saturday, August, 4th 2007. After I was baptized I felt a renowned energy, and felt so uplifted. The next day, Sunday, I was confirmed and was then the newest member of the ward. What a glorious day. 

A few months later, November, 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that made me realize there is so much more to life than I had thought. Not only had I cheated death, but I had the Lord supporting me. If that's not saying you're worth it, I don't know what is. The Lord has a plan for me, what that is I'm slowly but surely finding out. 

The Lord knows me. How do I know? I know by firsthand experience. The Lord knows I'm a visual learner. He also knows I have put a lot of faith and trust into him. So He showed me during my accident that He was there to support and love me. They initially said I wouldn't make it out alive, and if I did I wouldn’t: walk, talk, or eat, seeing as how I had the same injuries as Christopher Reeves (Superman) had. They continued to say this when I got pneumonia, and even going from the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) to ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I very rapidly went from ICU to the Rehab Center in Murray at IMC. I was doubted (not for the reason to doubt, but so people wouldn't get their hopes up). I NEVER once had a doubt. I NEVER once complained. I was tired, but that didn't matter to me, I wanted to go home and finish paving my path. The Lord was with me every step of the way toward recovery. He proved to me that I am worth it, and that he loved me. To this day I know without him I wouldn’t be who I am.

I'm also a tool in the Lord's hands. With my accident it made my uncle believe in a higher power. This is something I never thought would ever happen with our time on this Earth. Every bad thing that happens to me makes me know that I'm a tool in His hands. I'm here to do "His will". People have to learn lessons, and the Lord knows I can handle stressful situations and trauma. I think it's really neat that he puts so much trust in me. 

Our plan instead of looking at it individually needs to be looked at as a whole. You are one speck, but a VERY important speck. I have the ability to see the bigger picture, and the Lord has granted me with this blessing. As I've opened my heart, and mind to him through the past four-in-a-half years of being a member, He has blessed me so much, and I can only imagine what else He has in store for me. 

In 2009 I fell away from the church, sadly. I started taking courses at the University of Utah's College of Social Work. In this I ran from the church because I didn't understand it (the Churches was of thinking). I didn't understand why the church thought certain things (nor did I pray or search for guidance). I didn't know how I would combine my religious values and my social work values so I ran from the problem instead of facing it. I continued to obtain my education, (2 more semesters to go!!!) and then I wrote a paper of which I can share with you if you'd like: How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values? 

While I was away from the church the Lord never left me. He was there when I needed him and let me grow like any parent would. He always seemed to protect me from myself sometimes. I started to take part in sinful like activities, yet He still loved me. It was like I was running from Him, and like any parent, He wouldn't stop loving me.

As I was gallivanting in my own little world I never once thought the things I was doing were bad. When I prayed and asked him, I felt a sense of disapproval, but I never lost that love factor. When I finally decided to repent, the week before this I prayed to Him, and apologized, and asked for His forgiveness. When I went to my bishop I felt a sense of understanding, not a sense of disappointment. The Lord through the Bishop gave me guidance. The kind of guidance I needed, and wanted, and what has helped me become the person I am in the church at this point in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Regretting things only makes you feel bad and unworthy beyond belief. Throughout my whole entire journey the biggest thing I learned is that, God is Love and God is Life. Without Him I wouldn’t have discovered what true happiness is. But you must go through hard times to really enjoy the good times. I do not give him all of the praise, I praise myself as well. “I stand ready to help, but you must invite me in.” If I wouldn’t have invited him I know with the kind of person I am He wouldn’t have tried, though he still would have loved.

Alma 32:21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not see, which are true. This scripture is the one I hold closest to my heart. It’s one I luckily didn’t have to go through in the beginning (He proved He was real by showing me as He helped me through my accident), now I no longer have to see to believe. I just have to have faith.

I can't wrap my mind around the word: Divorce.

Love really isn't as strong as I once thought. 

Love requires a lot of things: trust, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and patience. I've seen marriages succeed, and marriages fail. Sometimes they just don't work out, and it makes sense, even though it sucks.  It's usually meant to be that way, the divorcee and the divorced both end up finding someone in the end who strengthens them more than the divorcee or divorced, thought was possible.

We as human beings get comfortable and stay where we are, and in this situation it makes perfect sense. You don't want to leave this person whom you may have spent 2, 10, 20 or even 30 years with. There may be kids involved, materials both you and the other person have obtained, money, and I guess all assets. It's hard.

Communication and Honesty are the two biggest parts of "falling-in-love", I think. Just my own experiences of failed love and my succession with love. Failed love lacks the communication and honesty whereas; succession with love has so much communication and honesty.

The days of staying with the person no matter what has come and gone, and life changes so quickly. I of course have not been married, but think it's a huge possibility for me and Ab. The question that stands in my head is will it last? I'm not saying that because I doubt us, but because I've seen marriages I never thought would fail, fail. I used to say I refuse to let my marriage fail, but I think that's something that's uncontrollable. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but is the other person willing as well? If you bury the hatchet for years and years eventually there is no hope. So, all I can do is be overly honest and communicate everything in order to insure I've done all I can do.

Love is amazing. Love is beautiful. Love is life.


Psychologist Robert Sternberg made up the Triangular Theory of Love.

• Nonlove 'refers simply to the absence of all three components of love. Nonlove characterizes the large majority of our personal relationships, which are simply casual interactions'.^[3]

• Liking/friendship is 'used here in a nontrivial sense. Rather, it refers to the set of feelings one experiences in relationships that can truly be characterized as friendship. One feels closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment'.^[4]

• Infatuated love: 'infatuation results from the experiencing of passionate arousal in the absence of intimacy and decision/commitment...like Tennov's limerance'.^[5] Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

• Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and develop into another form, indicating 'how empty love need not be the terminal state of a long-term relationship...[but] the beginning rather than the end'.^[6]

• Romantic love 'derives from a combination of the intimate and passionate components of love...romantic lovers are not only drawn physically to each other but are also bonded emotionally'^[7] - bonded both intimately and passionately, but without sustaining commitment.

• Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. 'This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present'^[8] but where a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

• Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage - 'fatuous in the sense that a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate involvement'.^[9]

• Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.” According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.^[10] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die".^[11] Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

The above picture and "explanation" is from wikipedia. :) 

It's as simple as that.

As I sit in my cute little apartment filled with T.I. blaring and my cute little fire-place turned on, I can't help but miss my love. Yesterday I missed his phone call. I cannot tell you how low my heart sunk. I bet it was all the way on the floor. I just started to cry. I seem to have a crying problem lately, yesterday in particular. I was very emotionally confused yesterday. I think internally my mind knows more than my body knows. 


Yesterday at lunch with my colleagues and best friends we started talking about entering the LDS Temple. Now, I don't feel worthy. I know what any member would say, "that's the devil telling you that you aren't worthy", but it's more than that! It's me knowing that when swear words pass my lips I'm not worthy, when I listen to trashy music I am not worthy, etc. People say that doesn't matter ... but to me, it does. I want to be as perfect as a human being can be. I don't think it's setting the bar too high, for I want to achieve great things and make the Lord proud of me. I would rather be at his feet defending my reason for not going, than have him tell me I shouldn't have entered. It's as simple as that.