The day I quit . . .

As a young adult, I have experimented with alcohol. I'm sorry, but if you tell a human NOT to do something, they're more than likely going to do it. Like when you tell a young child not to touch the stove, it's 'hot', the child has to touch the stove to find out for his/her self . . .  or else they'll never learn. I think, this example holds true to many other aspects of life.

Today I am thankful for the will power my Heavenly Father has given me. It has been a true two month sobriety for myself. That's right, two months. I am not here to brag or boast, nor am I here to applaud myself. 

I in no way, shape, or form think a drink once in a while is a bad thing. Really, I don't. But, when you're using it to cope, when you're using it to numb, or when you use it and you change as a person ( as a whole) I think that is where the issue rises. 

Why did I stop? Well, I could see it being an issue in my future. I wanted a well-rounded life. I didn't want to sit in depression with everything that has gone on in the past month and drink my sorrows away. 

All I can say is that I am proud that I put the adult beverages down, saw that now was not the time, nor the place for such beverages. I am glad that I have the knowledge that drinking does no good for the body, mind, heart and/or soul. 

Love one another :) 

Asheleigh Ramirez

You have friends in your life that are put in your life for a reason. Today, Asheleigh Ramirez is the one that I am thankful for. This girl has been by my side, even when we were too young to realize what friends really were. I remember her being told by another person in our friend circle that I kissed her boyfriend, Victor. This started the feud we had between each other. I wouldn't ever kiss a boy that I knew a friend liked. I was too shy for that anyways. Through the years we laughed, cried, hated, and loved with and toward each other. Her home felt like my home, and I was envious when other friends of ours got her attention more than me. I fought for her time, for her friendship, and I would do it all again if I had to. Asheleigh is the reason I like Usher and B2K. I cannot listen to either of their music and not think of her. I was in Asheleigh's Quienceanera, which was an amazing celebration of such a beautiful woman. Now, we get together every so often and have girl's nights/days and it is amazing. I can go to her for her honest opinion, and I know that I will get it. I know that she only has my best interest in mind, and that she loves me whether I accept her advice, or not. My love for her isn't your average love for a friend. She is my sister, my other half, and quite possibly my soul mate. Soul mate to some is a romantic partner, but I am taking it further than that. Asheleigh knows me inside and out, she loves me for me. The best part is her child. When she told me she was pregnant I was stunned, to be honest. Now that he is here, and now that he is part of my life, I love him like I do my own baby cousins. He is just as much family as Asheleigh is. I am a blessed woman to have these two incredible people in my life.    I love you, girl. 

P.S. 

I promise to never forget how to spell your name, ever. 

Jinx

To think that I had jinxed myself. I had told myself that life was going so great, that life was beautiful, than nothing could get me down. Now, I wish I could take that all back. The Lord had given me a break from any trauma, any loss, any upsetting events in order to be able to handle my current situation. He won't give me more than I can handle. BUT, one thing is for sure. I'm not testing fate anymore. I just hope that I begin to feel soon, and that I can deal with the mess of loss in my heart. 

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Today has been a huge day of reflection. I wanted to drop off a treat for Pat (my hero, the man who saved my life on 11/14/2007) on the six year anniversary of a motor vehicle accident that I was in. I planned ahead and bought him a Hickory Farms sausage/cheese/cracker package and a Ferrero Rocher chocolate package with white/milk/dark hazelnut chocolate deliciousness. All with a really sweet, simple, card. 

When he met me at the front door of the Fire Station he said, "Those big blue eyes, I would recognize those big blue eyes anywhere!" He introduced me to some of his fellow crew members before we went and sat down in his office. He proceeded to tell me his story, that of which I have never heard. He said, “I have a few things to talk to you about.” As I began to shake, and feel tears form, I had the largest smile I have had in a really long time. He proceeded to look at me, and as I looked in his own bright blue eyes I knew his soul. I knew that we were meant to meet. I knew that he was meant to help save me. 

He told me that he was so pissed off, because the DMV moved locations, and he needed to do his yearly registration on his truck.   He could see the aftermath of some sort of accident, and he told himself that 'this couldn't be happening'. He told me that there must have been a lot that he was supposed to do that day, though he couldn't recall what. He pulled over, and was assessing the situation when a lady came up and said that she was a nurse. He said that he could see B and J in the front seat, and that they were breathing, when a guy called him over and said there is someone in the backseat. Pat said that he jumped on the trunk as both doors were jammed, as he couldn't get them to open. He then called two guys over and said, ‘look, I need your help! This girl doesn't appear to be breathing. You both need to pull on that door, but don't hurt yourself.'      The first pull, nothing. The second pull, the door unjammed.      Pat told me that earlier today (11/14/13) he went to a scene of an accident and that they couldn't even get the Jaws of Life to get this guy out, and unfortunately his story doesn't have the same happy ending. He said that the car I was in was worse than this guy’s vehicle, and the door just unjammed. He paused; he said 'that is just amazing' then preceded. He told me that when he finally got in the car I wasn't breathing, he took his knife out (mind you he is off duty as a paramedic, and doesn't have his gear with him) and was getting ready to do a tracheotomy on me with this knife, when someone said, "wait, the seat belt it is all twisted around her." He couldn't see the seat belt as I was laying on it. He said he cut off the seat belt and thanked God he didn't have to do a tracheotomy with his pocket knife. He said that he then took the vomit out of my mouth, and my eyes opened, and "those blue eyes, those beautiful bright blue eyes stared at me." He said it felt like thirty minutes to get the choppers in the area, even though it had been maybe six minutes. He said, "Then you were in the chopper, and they weren't leaving and I was pacing back and forth, worried." He said he later found out that the computers were down at the new IMC in Murray, and that is why it took so long. 

On another note, think about how everything works together, like a well oiled machine. If the DMV hadn't moved locations . . . I wouldn't be here. If he the door wouldn't have opened . . . I wouldn't be here. If IMC's computers had been up I wouldn't have gotten the best care. If I wouldn't have gone to the U, I wouldn't be here to tell my story. 

The best part of tonight was when he said, "Your outlook on life is special, young lady. You don't see this as the end of the road. You didn't see it as a woe is me; you saw it as well, and look what I can do! Not look at what I cannot do. Amazing! Look at what you're doing for others. Most people wouldn't have done half of what you have done, including being able to walk, talk, and graduate." 

He then walked me out to my car, hugged me and said he couldn't wait for his kids to meet me. He said, 'forgive me for not knowing today was the anniversary, it's not that I don't remember you, or think about you often. He said, on my hardest days, when things don't go the way I would have wanted them to go, I remember that car door, and I remember those big blue eyes. I remember that it is out of my control, that I CAN do my job, that I KNOW my job, that I am proficient.'  I can now see why he didn't consider him my hero, what an incredible, humble, amazing, man. 

Everything happens for a reason. Smile, because it's only temporary :)

xo,

Kas 

07/22/1997 ~ 11/02/2013

My sweet baby brother passed away on November 2nd, 2013 at 3:20 am. He was the light of my life. Luckily, on November 1st, 2013 before I left his home I was able to read a sweet letter from a family friend. This letter had a lot to do with the after life. Jt told me he was no longer scared. That even though he was going into the unknown, for him, he knew it would be beautiful. I wanted to stay, something was pulling me to stay, but I left around 8:30. I was a fortunate person to be able to sit and hold his hand. I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, and how proud I was of him. I told him he was the strongest person that I knew, and he thanked me, so humbly. Jt was very emotional with me that evening, which surprised me. Usually he tells everyone to be strong, but as he choked back the tears, he told me he loved me. He asked me to hold his hand, and we cried. I was able to have the last deep conversation with my brother, and I will always be thankful for that. 

As the viewing ensued, emotions were raised, and many a tear fell. Jt was loved by EVERYONE that he met. How amazing is that? Many talked, including grandma, mom, aunt Nonie, Jessie, Trevor, Noah, many friends from school and myself. My sweet students from Hillcrest drew/wrote me cards. I broke, and that was okay. I needed some sort of sign that I needed to get back to Hillcrest. Dres Anderson, and Reggie Dunn came to his viewing as well. When they walked through the door I broke down so hard, because I knew it was what Jt would have wanted. I was separating Dres and Reggie from football, and seeing them in their true light. I rushed up to Dres, and he stepped back quickly. I hugged him, and didn't want to let go. I was SO happy he was there for Jt. Jt was wearing a number 6 jersey, which is Dres' jersey number. He felt honored. 

Tonight was Jt's Remembrance - at Hillcrest. There was a lot of food, including dessert. My brother Chris was there, and that was really nice. It was like a breath of fresh air. He also came with my new friend Annika. My friend Alexis came with her mom, and her baby. Matt and Stacey performed Who You'd be Today - by Kenny Chesney. Which was amazing. After which my mom spoke a little bit, and then my grandma, Rickie, cousin Danny, aunt Mare, Ryan, myself, and a few of his friends spoke. After we let the balloons go for Jt in Heaven his friends Nate Orchard, and Jeremiah Tofaeono (J.T.) stopped by and watched the picture video that Rickie had put together. They hugged my mother and I, and once again I found myself separating the football aspect, and fell in love with their kindness. They are true gentlemen, and were so needed in the moment that they were there. Jt will definitely bless them for their good works.  

My mom talked about how Jt's everyday hat was not in the stuff we had packed, but yet was in my car ready to be placed out to show. Which is proof he is here with us still. Then, many of his friends talked about how Jt probably saved lives by being so loving and kind toward everyone. Also, one of his girl friend's said that one of her girl friend's wanted to ask Jt to a dance, but that she was scared of rejection. Little did she know that Jt was scared of rejection as well. 

I can honestly say that I have learned a lot on how to be a better person by knowing Jt. As his sister I never saw these sides of Jt, because well, I'm his sister. But, hearing of these stories makes me love him ten times more than I did before, and I loved him a lot! Jt was an amazing human being. To be so perfect, that Heavenly Father wants him back early, is amazing.

Bro, I cannot wait to see you again. Please get paradise ready, and make it to where the Utes win every game. Only if you have some extra time! Watch over those of us who need you most. I love you, and you're always welcome in my pad. Lord knows you never came to hang out when you were with us. Please make your presence clear, that would be legit AF. 

God knows how I miss you. All the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place. ~ You're always in my heart, never forgotten. Rest in Paradise 

Balloon Bouquet 

The set up at Jt's Remembrance.

Letting the balloons free, to fly to Heaven. 

All of our sweet notes for Jt in Heaven. 

Balloons sure do know how to put a smile on my face. 

Do what makes your soul shine.

Thanks for the insight. Keep it coming. Love you, times infinity. XOXO

~ Sissy

Today I am Thankful . . .

Today I am thankful for my current place of business. Today is my three year anniversary of working here. I cannot tell you the happiness and joy I get from working in these group homes. I have learned the value of unconditional love. I have learned patience. I have learned how much people with disabilities can impact your life on such an amazing level. I love my ladies, and really I love every client in this company. They each have such amazing strengths. I learn something new everyday, and even on my toughest days I would rather be working here than anywhere else!

Today I am Thankful . . .

Today I am thankful for friends and family. I am thankful for friends who have turned into family. I am also thankful for family who have turned into friends. It is amazing how people can band together to love and support each other. It is amazing to feel love from someone simply through a text message. It is amazing the love that my family, and friends are as supportive and loving as they are. Thank you.

xo,

Kas

Today I am Thankful . . .

I find it so uplifting to know that there are amazing people in the world. These people make me want to be better! Today on 11/01/2013 I am thankful to every donor that has donated money on the GoFundMe website. My brother can have his mother at his side, and that to me is key in this end of life experience. Not only is it beneficial to JT, but also to my mother. 

T H A N K   Y O U ! ! ! 

XO,

Kas