Memorial Day - My Truth

I was going to be a member of the Air Force back in 2007. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to be part of something more; larger than just my family, town, city, county, state, or country. I craved to be in the military more than I craved anything. I got into an accident which gave me too much metal, too many injuries. This included a broken heart, because I was no longer able to sign those papers, and start on my mission in life. At least what I thought was my mission in life.

I wanted to follow after my grandpa, and serve in the military. He served in Viet Nam, and all he could ever say was don't joy the Army. He pleaded with me to join the Air Force, because me, as a woman would be treated with just a tad bit more dignity and respect. I agreed and off I went.

When I "woke up" out of a coma there was Ryan, my recruiter. They told me, and I didn't acknowledge anyone for a couple days I'm told. I was genuinely broken hearted, and didn't want to believe it. In fact I refused to believe it. I went on another tour up at the base, and told Ryan once again that I wanted to join. He continued to tell me no, but I still pursued finding out information, and the more I did the more I fell in love. It hit me one day when he was telling me due to my spleen being gone they wouldn't accept me. I wouldn't pass a physical. I told him just to fib my physical, laughed, and I started to become okay with not being able to join.

Though every time someone asked me about it I would cry, and probably did for the first three, or so years. Now, it's just once in a blue moon that I cry about it. Days like this, Memorial Day, in particular, really upset me. The positive part is that I can thank those who do serve. I can thank them, and I can see their passion to serve. I'm happy that we have so many ready and willing to do that which many aren't willing.

On the idea and fact of war: those who are against it make me sad. There are some people who look down upon soldiers, and I don't understand it. But, it's these individuals rights, and those soldiers fought for them to be able to voice their opinions. I just wish they were more thankful. Some leave everything behind to do serve. In general war to me doesn't make sense, but I'm not the government, I don't know the "TOP SECRET" items. I look at it this way, without war; we wouldn't have freedom. I love freedom, so if that's what it takes we need it. If you're attacked you aren't going to sit back and watch, you're going to fight. If you're family/best friend is attacked, you're going to help them. It is something I wish we didn't need to have, but it's a fact of life. Without war there isn't life. Even though there are some countries who seem to stay pretty neutral, but we're America and that will never happy.

I'm not sitting here saying, "We're American, and we're number one." But, I'm just saying show the people willing to do the job, you aren't willing to do some respect, and just say, Thank You! :)

Bucket List

1. Own a motorized scooter.
2. Be in Time Square during New Years Eve.
3. Visit Ghana
4. Visit Ireland
5. Visit Switzerland
6. Visit India
7. Visit Japan
8. Visit Germany
9. Visit Brazil
10. Own a puppy, and watch it grow with my family.
11. Own a home with a porch that goes around the exterior with two white rocking chairs on the front porch.
12. Own a horse.
13. Go to the Kentucky Derby
14. Go to Washington D.C.
. . . To Be Continued

Super(wo)man

I made the Dean's List, with a 3.5 (although just a number) it helps me obtain my dreams, my goals, my hopes, my aspirations, and helps keep me grounded. This last semester was HARD, harder than any semester in my past. I cannot believe my GPA is .066% away from being able to apply to grad school. Yes, I said it, GRAD school. I am going to become a Master and then a Doctor. I'm 21, and so far I feel very successful. One more semester to go of Undergrad (BSW Internship). I have to thank Jesus Christ, Abraham Darriel, Jen Thompson, Amanda Duncan, Tania Mancilla, Stefanie Royall, Kari Morgan, Stephanie Holmes, Tedi Smith, Clay Lantz and Caleb Manscill. Without you this wouldn't have happened. I would have fallen on my face, would have given up, would have killed someone, or would have killed myself (not really guys, come on)! I feel loved and this must be how SUPERMAN has felt like. And below is how I feel like :) 

There have been changes. Abraham and I are no longer together. Even though it's only been a few days since it became officially, official the Lord has shown me reasons. I am not afraid any longer. I have let go of that beautiful part of my past, and we're still friends. No matter what anyone says he treated me well overall and made me learn to love myself, stop drinking, and get back into the gospel. So, I'm happy, very happy. 

No more Bishop Lantz; hello President Lantz. It tore me apart yesterday, but again I'm amazed at how well my Heavenly Father knows me. He supported me through my cry fest last night and assured me that it was for the better. Though, I still disagree with him in my mind. But, I have my ward friends who cease to amaze me. I'm blessed beyond belief, and once I get that Temple recommend President Lantz said he would go with me. I've also asked a couple other people to come with me. I think this is now a new chapter in my life, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds. 

P.S. I got a pedicure today and it's the stinking cutest color I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, I'm pretty much in love, not gonna lie! 

Alma 32:21

I've felt the spirit a lot at certain points in my life and in others not a lot at all.

One particular moment when I felt the spirit especially strong was when Elder Zeiner and Elder Goble asked me to pray. I did that day, and that day I discovered God. I had been reading my scriptures (not as much as they (the missionaries) had hoped, but as much as I could manage) and I had been praying (not the way I do now, but as best I could, then). I had been living as righteously as I knew how. I was 15. I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven. I didn't believe in anything, until that moment. When I said aloud the words of prayer I felt this feeling that overcame me stronger than anything ever has. I didn't know what this feeling was called, but I knew it was good.

My mom asked the missionaries to come and teach me, and that next week I went to church. Immediately I fell in love with what I now call my, "home ward". I had such beautiful people around me who treated me as their own. I went to church, and had the teachings for eight months. I asked my mom about two months into the teachings if I could be baptized, and she asked me to partake of the lessons, and go to church a little longer. I continued to do as she asked, and about five months into it I asked again. She again asked me to continue in my lessons, and so I did. When seven months into it I thought to myself, I need this church in my life. With it I will stay away from the peer-pressures that were and are so predominant in the world today. I then wrote each one of my immediate family members a letter. In each letter I wrote about separate entities, and were each written for that person and I's relationship. Finally my family was willing to let me get baptized.

The night before my baptism was a dark night. I had very negative thoughts, and ideas running through my mind. At one point I just cried. I cried so hard because I felt so trapped under what I would call a spell, a dark spell that I never want to be under again. The next morning was very glorious. It was a beautiful day and I felt better than I had in a long time.

My mom and some of my distant cousins were the only family present. I had Elder Zeiner baptize me. I felt so loved that Saturday, August, 4th 2007. After I was baptized I felt a renowned energy, and felt so uplifted. The next day, Sunday, I was confirmed and was then the newest member of the ward. What a glorious day. 

A few months later, November, 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that made me realize there is so much more to life than I had thought. Not only had I cheated death, but I had the Lord supporting me. If that's not saying you're worth it, I don't know what is. The Lord has a plan for me, what that is I'm slowly but surely finding out. 

The Lord knows me. How do I know? I know by firsthand experience. The Lord knows I'm a visual learner. He also knows I have put a lot of faith and trust into him. So He showed me during my accident that He was there to support and love me. They initially said I wouldn't make it out alive, and if I did I wouldn’t: walk, talk, or eat, seeing as how I had the same injuries as Christopher Reeves (Superman) had. They continued to say this when I got pneumonia, and even going from the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) to ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I very rapidly went from ICU to the Rehab Center in Murray at IMC. I was doubted (not for the reason to doubt, but so people wouldn't get their hopes up). I NEVER once had a doubt. I NEVER once complained. I was tired, but that didn't matter to me, I wanted to go home and finish paving my path. The Lord was with me every step of the way toward recovery. He proved to me that I am worth it, and that he loved me. To this day I know without him I wouldn’t be who I am.

I'm also a tool in the Lord's hands. With my accident it made my uncle believe in a higher power. This is something I never thought would ever happen with our time on this Earth. Every bad thing that happens to me makes me know that I'm a tool in His hands. I'm here to do "His will". People have to learn lessons, and the Lord knows I can handle stressful situations and trauma. I think it's really neat that he puts so much trust in me. 

Our plan instead of looking at it individually needs to be looked at as a whole. You are one speck, but a VERY important speck. I have the ability to see the bigger picture, and the Lord has granted me with this blessing. As I've opened my heart, and mind to him through the past four-in-a-half years of being a member, He has blessed me so much, and I can only imagine what else He has in store for me. 

In 2009 I fell away from the church, sadly. I started taking courses at the University of Utah's College of Social Work. In this I ran from the church because I didn't understand it (the Churches was of thinking). I didn't understand why the church thought certain things (nor did I pray or search for guidance). I didn't know how I would combine my religious values and my social work values so I ran from the problem instead of facing it. I continued to obtain my education, (2 more semesters to go!!!) and then I wrote a paper of which I can share with you if you'd like: How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values? 

While I was away from the church the Lord never left me. He was there when I needed him and let me grow like any parent would. He always seemed to protect me from myself sometimes. I started to take part in sinful like activities, yet He still loved me. It was like I was running from Him, and like any parent, He wouldn't stop loving me.

As I was gallivanting in my own little world I never once thought the things I was doing were bad. When I prayed and asked him, I felt a sense of disapproval, but I never lost that love factor. When I finally decided to repent, the week before this I prayed to Him, and apologized, and asked for His forgiveness. When I went to my bishop I felt a sense of understanding, not a sense of disappointment. The Lord through the Bishop gave me guidance. The kind of guidance I needed, and wanted, and what has helped me become the person I am in the church at this point in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Regretting things only makes you feel bad and unworthy beyond belief. Throughout my whole entire journey the biggest thing I learned is that, God is Love and God is Life. Without Him I wouldn’t have discovered what true happiness is. But you must go through hard times to really enjoy the good times. I do not give him all of the praise, I praise myself as well. “I stand ready to help, but you must invite me in.” If I wouldn’t have invited him I know with the kind of person I am He wouldn’t have tried, though he still would have loved.

Alma 32:21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not see, which are true. This scripture is the one I hold closest to my heart. It’s one I luckily didn’t have to go through in the beginning (He proved He was real by showing me as He helped me through my accident), now I no longer have to see to believe. I just have to have faith. 

For You.

Today, I decided I'm going to get over you (sooner than later). If we are meant to be, we will be. I have to be happy, because no one else can do that job for me. I only pray you really don't forget about me and keep me in the loop. If you choose not to, that's your decision. I'm pretty sure you're reading this right now, and I don't want to sound like a broken record, so I won't. Know I loved you with every ounce of passion I had. I loved you the way I now can love myself. I needed this kind of a relationship, long-distance. I've learned who I am by writing. Insane how that works. Know that I am okay. I will make it. I am not broken. 

 

"There, there baby it's just textbook stuff. It's in the ABC's of growing up."

"Somewhere inside I cannot find the feeling I got from you."

"I'm holding you closer than most, because you are my heaven." 

Why I'm Liberal/Democratic/Humanist

Liberal: Open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values.

Democratic: Favoring or characterized by social equality; egalitarian.  

Humanism:  An outlook or system of thought attaching prime importance to human rather than divine or supernatural matters. 

I believe in social equality including; a willingness to disregard traditional values, which negate the large importance of human-kind and human-rights. 

I am for the people truly, and on a much deeper level. I will not get into the "politics" by any means by stating who I am voting for; though most of you know. 

I agree with human-rights. This includes everyone under the spectrum! I think everyone deserves the same rights; we're all people, right? Just because of ability, sexual-orientation, gender, color, religion, etc., someone isn't allowed the same rights as others in this country. When it comes to color people say it's reverse discrimination. I disagree and see discrimination/racism constantly, and even more now that I've had an African boyfriend.

People are beautiful, and deserve the same rights a White, Hetero-sexual, Anglo-Saxon, Male deserves. 

Human-Rights: something far too many people don't understand, or in my opinion, and in my truth don't want to understand. Being set in your ways only gets you the same thing over and over. 

Left Foot Tattoo

Ultimately, it's my decision but . . .


Type 1:

Type 2:

So, on the top of my foot, or on the side of my foot? Other ideas are also going to be taken into consideration . . .  

Re-Conversion

Don't give up on something you know to at least enrich your life. I fight a day to day battle when it comes to drinking. I don't do it. I fight this urge off. I'm not saying I'm any better than the person who cannot fight that urge off. 

When I first came to the church I was 16 years old. Missionaries taught me and brought forth messages from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I though it was a crock. Until Elder Zeiner asked me to pray, of which I was hesitant. As I opened my mouth I felt the spirit, which I never thought I would feel. I never thought it was possible to feel this kind of feeling that was like magic. I'm forever grateful for this wave of emotion which swept over me - the rest is history.

I fell away. I've done things, none of which I regret. I needed to do all of the things I did in order to be where I am today. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I can say that loud and proud. I am different than some, but the same like many. I am following Jesus Christ. I am becoming like him. I'm learning, I'm not a pro - nor will I ever be. I am going to love people, no matter their background. Love doesn't discriminate. 

When I first fell away I was in a Diversity class for pre-requisites for my major, Social Work. I thought how in the hell am I supposed to be LDS and a Social Work major? As I continued to study in my field, and as I talked to people, and as I prayed, and as I pondered, and as I cried, and as I tried to figure life out I wrote a paper. 


This paper was titled:

How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values? 


My heavenly father took me by the hand, took me by the mind, and took me by the heart and showed me; through love everything is possible. 

I have now been back into the church since the first of the year, and I haven't missed a Sunday. Not to say just because I go to church I'm a good person. But, it helps me to learn what I am supposed to be teaching, living, learning and spreading - the gospel, not the church.

I am doing the Lords will, not my will.

p.s. if you want to read this paper, let me know . . . it's eight pages so too long to post on here, but I can e-mail it to you :)  

Secrets . . .

. . . I don't have to keep secret any longer.

Alright, I  decided I will post all my intimate things in a blog. I have posted to FB, but I think times have changed for me and since I like to be super vulnerable, and talk about uber personal things FB wasn't the place.  So, here you will find most of my insane antics. If you really want juicy stuff you'll have to steal my journal  :) 

one.

I am proud of myself. Yes, I said it. It's hard for me to talk about myself, but I always put myself out there to be vulnerable. I feel like every time I open my mouth I stick my foot in it further and further. Even though I seem extremely outgoing, I feel far from it! 

a.

I have lost seven pounds this week. I have cut out soda, caffeine, and a lot of sugars. I have to do things in baby steps. So, this is my first baby step. Well, I think I'm doing great. I keep giving myself air-fives, because I'm so awesome! 

b.

Today was fast Sunday, I fasted last night until about 4:30 tonight. I have a huge testimony on how amazing fasting is! It has been hard in the past, but I truly believe with the Lord all things are possible.

c.

Today marks five months since I started paying tithing. Again, I have a huge testimony about how amazing tithing is as well. At first I thought to myself, "how am I supposed to give you 10% when I cannot even put 10% away for myself." Oh how I under-estimate myself! I've done great, and continue to not feel a void of the 10% I pay each pay check. It's awesome. 

p.s.

I passed multiple places this evening, all of which I could have stopped at to get something sweet. I feel as though my fasting today has proven I have control of my body, no one else. This is beautiful, and I'm blessed that I finally realized how much power I truly do have! 

one love.

blowing bubbles into my chai tea - today I forwarded your mail to your best friend.

contemplating changing my phone number as well.

know this is never how i meant for us to be - hopefully our paths can cross again.

if not, move on and find your true love. the one you've been searching for.