For the LOVE of Documentaries.

"My obsession has been — and is still — the feeling of being there. Not of finding out this and analyzing this or performing some virtuous social act or something. Just what's it like to be there." - Richard Leacock

Except, I want to do just that, a virtuous social act. When I watch documentaries I am reminded that ONE person can change the world, and that ONE person can be me. Not that having other people with your same vision isn't pertinent, and useful. I enjoy knowing other people want to change the world as well. 

This evening I watched two and a half documentaries. The first one was A Ripple of Hope which was about Robert Kennedy and the need he felt to speak out to people of color when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot. I am a HUGE admirer of MLKJ, but never did I know the things MR. Robert Kennedy did, not only through activism but through humanism. A reason why I say I am a humanist. I don't want to be labeled as a Mormon, or a Liberal Democrat, I want to be labeled as a Humanist. 

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

Senator Robert F. Kennedy, June 6 1966 (South Africa address)

Next I watched a show called Barbershop Brothers - and I quite enjoyed it, but felt that it was purely enjoyable, but I wanted to learn something! Hence the reason I moved on to another documentary .

The last one I watched was New Muslim Cool, the things I learned! I cannot express how much heartbreak, and love, I have for those of the Muslim Faith. They are amazing people. This documentary talked about how the FBI targeted a family of recently converted Muslims in Pittsburgh. Not only did they have cameras surrounding their mosque, but they raided that mosque, for no reason. The person they were looking for was already arrested, and placed in the back of a police car. Yet, the FBI still busted down the doors, on a Friday, during one of the prayer times. Like they said in the documentary, "tell me this would happen in a Christian church on a Sunday." F'real doe. It definitely makes me appreciate the faith, and the people, ten fold. 

You can watch all three of these videos on Netflix, but here is a preview of the last one I watched. Much love!
“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
Just love one another, learn about a new culture, and accept people as they are, don't try and change them. 

Twisted Thinking - Therapy Session #4

Today in Therapy my counselor suggested that I have Twisted Thinking/Distorted Thinking especially in the aspect of Jumping to Conclusions in the realm of Fortune Telling and Mind-reading.

I hate change, as most people do - but I REALLY hate change. Here soon I will be doing a lot of changes, and my counselor thinks I'm ready . . . so here I go face first into a dive. Which is another thing we talked about.

My anxiety is now in the realm of "normal" anxiety, whoever calls it normal is CRAZY. This is not normal. I feel totally out of control when my anxiety hits. BUT, I am learning to deal with it in a positive manner. I'm so excited to be a grown up, dealing with my feelings like a "normal person", again who's to say who is normal? As I go onward and upward I have a lot of people to thank, especially the big guy upstairs :)

Smile, it's all only temporary!

FHMC

My seminar professor hates when people use acronyms, and then doesn't tell people what the acronyms stand for - This acronym stands for the four topics I am going to blog about: football, homelessness, marriage, and a change of heart, mind, and soul.

Football: Tomorrow is the black out football game, a game I have been looking forward to for some time now. I absolutely love football, and I cannot wait to go. My mom is going to be going with me as well, so I'm beyond stoked. It's at 7:45 at night, so it will be extremely cold, but I don't mind.  

Homelessness: As I was driving home the other day from I believe my mom's house in Midvale I got off of the freeway exit closest to my apartment. As I was driving past a laundry-mat these elderly people of color were scouring the sidewalks, gutters, and streets for any money they could find. I began to get emotional. After my mom's I had just went to the grocery store for a couple items such as bananas and apples - I pulled over into the parking lot, handed them the bananas, apples, and celery. I then asked them if they would like to get in my car to warm up and I'd take them to get a hot chocolate or coffee. The lady said, "Oh, no!" we couldn't do that you've done enough. I proceeded to say well, I don't think I have done hardly enough. The lady said, "no one has been this kind to us, even at the shelters we're treated different because of our skin color." I began to cry. The elderly man said, "don't cry, you're far too beautiful to be crying. You have such a good heart, do not let things get to your heart like that. Guard your heart, but not your mind." I took them over to the convenient store, got them a large warm beverage, asked them where they needed a ride to - then again declined. I persisted, they said they were fine. I invited them to sit in my car a bit longer, they thanked me and said God Bless. I still feel so helpless - but hey they had some nutritious food, and warm beverages in their stomach. I'm beyond privileged.

Marriage: I went to a wedding this evening for two of my very good friends. As I got there, everything was fine. As I hugged one of my friends I cried, I apologized for crying, and cried some more. He looked at me and said, "I love you, you know that right?" I then proceeded to cry. It was (selfish) sorrow, gratitude, happiness, and love that was flooding my face. This in turn made him tear up, which in turn made me cry again. I hugged him, said congratulations, walked away and wept. I then saw the bride and she was absolutely gorgeous, the tears ceased, until I was in my car and as I was driving back I began to get emotional, and could feel that my heart was so heavy. I have a love/hate relationship with marriage and weddings. 

Change of heart and mind: I have changed from inside out. I am a different person, internally. Life is looking up. I couldn't be more proud of myself. Hopefully I make it to the temple sooner, than later. :) 

Lovely

We discuss hot topics - more than just the weather.
He makes me laugh - more than any other.
He wears rose colored glasses, and see's the world through them.
Not only does he make me happy, but it's as though he knows my soul.
He has goals, and aspirations. He has dreams and plans to follow them.

It's funny how this even happened. 

 A boy you teased and joked with fell in love with you.

He now kisses you before bed, 

teases you,

jokes with you,

makes you happy,

helps you to have faith in humanity once more.

 Proving to you that you need to follow your dreams.

That you need to follow your heart. 

Thank You.

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you got to see the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around for a day and saw them crying in their bed, or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich. I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn't be able to help falling in love with them. <3

Air Force: My Story

I've been thinking about my desire to serve the Air Force, and the day that desire/goal/ambition died. 

Pros and Cons:

• I may have been injured far worse than the way I was injured in 2007.
• I maybe never never came home (I thought I was invincible when I was ready to sign those papers).
• The trauma I have experienced may be as much as I could handle. 
• I wouldn't have found social work, I would have only pursued being a War Vet Psychologist.
• I wouldn't have found God the way I have.
• I have a great relationship with my family, and am happy that I am here with them, especially certain ones that not only I need but that really need(ed) me. 

When others talk about their passion to serve in the military I get teary eyed. It was my biggest goal in life to become a Para-rescue in the Air Force. Not only did I want to be a para-rescue, but I wanted to drive the planes as well. I wanted to be a pilot. I don't think many people understood or knew this part of my love with the military, particularly the Air Force. 

The big man upstairs has something far greater in mind for my life. As I say more and more anymore. "Help me to do thine will, not my will. I am a servant before you Lord." I have a relationship with my Father in Heaven, which is ten time stronger than the one with my physical father. I sometimes wonder if my Father in Heaven has done this on purpose; so that I do turn to Him, my spiritual father. Turn to him not only for the guidance, love, and support that I need, but for that which I deserve.

  

The {P} Word

I can easily tell others the dangers of the P word, though these cautions don't stop me from doing the P word. You would think being in my last semester at the U of U working on my undergraduate degree would help me in not doing the P word, but I cannot help it. The act of the P word, the use of the P word, the definition of the P word ... it is just naughty. As I was a child I never did the P word, in fact, I only recall doing the P word after my accident. Which then turns me to wondering if my brain injury is getting worse. I don't want to be a H word though (which is almost worse than the P word). Just like the F word is much worse than the S word, and you never use the C word.

My advice to younger generations is to never, and I mean NEVER begin to do the P word or else it gets out of hand and it's almost impossible to catch back up. Though that doesn't matter to you because you'll continue to do the P word every day until you have to get something done because say it's a deadline or another person in your group is counting on you.

Africa

My heart is in Africa. Call me crazy, but I love it. As I have been watching African movies about genocide today, instead of doing my homework, I have been glued to learning more about Africa. I have been interested in Africa since my ex-boyfriend, and my craving for more has just increased in the past few months. I yearn to go there, work with the people, understand their lives and culture. I yearn for love, friendship, hope, and peace. I know that all of my desires won't all be fulfilled with my time on this planet, possibly anyone's time on this planet, but I have faith that one day we will all live in peace. 

Same Love - Macklemore

I'm so happy I came across this artist. He speaks to my heart and soul. :) 

[Verse 1: Macklemore]

When I was in the 3rd grade

I thought that I was gay

Cause I could draw, my uncle was

And I kept my room straight

I told my mom, tears rushing down my face

She's like, "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-K"

Trippin', yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she

A bunch of stereotypes all in my head

I remember doing the math like

"Yeah, I'm good a little league"

A pre-conceived idea of what it all meant

For those who like the same sex had the characteristics

The right-wing conservatives think it's a decision

And you can be cured with some treatment and religion

Man-made, rewiring of a pre-disposition

Playing God

Ahh nah, here we go

America the brave

Still fears, what, we don't know

And God loves all His children

Is somehow forgotten

But we paraphrase a book written

35 hundred years ago

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/macklemore/same_love.html ]

[Verse 2: Macklemore]

If I was gay

I would think hip-hop hates me

Have you read the YouTube comments lately

"Man that's gay"

Gets dropped on the daily

We've become so numb to what we're sayin'

Our culture founded from oppression

Yeah, we don't have acceptance for 'em

Call each other faggots

Behind the keys of a message board

A word routed in hate

Yet our genre still ignores it

Gay is synonymous with the lesser

It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion

Gender and skin color

Complexion of your pigment

The same fight that lead people to walk-outs and sit-ins

It's human rights for everybody

There is no difference

Live on! And be yourself! 

When I was in church

They taught me something else

If you preach hate at the service

Those words aren't anointed

And that Holy Water

That you soak in

Is then poisoned

When everyone else

Is more comfortable

Remaining voiceless

Rather than fighting for humans

That have had their rights stolen

I might not be the same

But that's not important

No freedom 'til we're equal

Damn right I support it

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Verse 3: Macklemore]

We press play

Don't press pause

Progress, march on! 

With a veil over our eyes

We turn our back on the cause

'Till the day

That my uncles can be united by law

Kids are walkin' around the hallway

Plagued by pain in their heart

A world so hateful

Someone would rather die

Than be who they are

And a certificate on paper

Isn't gonna solve it all

But it's a damn good place to start

No law's gonna change us

We have to change us

Whatever god you believe in

We come from the same one

Strip away the fear

Underneath it's all the same love

About time that we raised up

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Outro: Mary Lambert]

Love is patient, love is kind

Love is patient (not cryin' on Sundays)

Love is kind (not crying on Sundays) [x5]

Realization(.)Two

REALIZATION POINT TWO

Acoustic music is vulnerable. It speaks the words I have in my heart, but have yet to cross my mind.  Acoustic that can make my arm hairs stand at attention, can make me have a lump in my throat, and can make me feel alive. If a genre of music can do that to you, well you've found your bliss. It almost feels as good as falling in love for the first time of your life. It's like heaven on earth. It is something you can fall back on. As you fall back, you know it will catch and understand you, and do everything in it's power not to drop you.  When you, yourself, are too mixed up; it can bring you back down to reality and leave you with a glimmer of  hope in your spirit. It will help you to regain your strength, and understand your power as a human.

My compilation - which will continue to grow and inspire anyone having to make difficult decisions in life, and about life. Don't be afraid, just let the music soothe you and take you away. (These aren't in order of my favorites by any means, I cannot number music that fills my heart from top to bottom.)

Speak For Me by John Mayer

"Ain't the cover of a rolling stone. And the music on my radio ain't supposed to make me feel alone. What a drag to know, I have to learn to let it go. Show me something I can be. Play a song that I can sing. Make me feel as I am free, someone come speak for me."

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Come on skinny love, just last the year ... and I told you to be patient. And I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced. and I told you to be kind. And if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?"

Breathe Me by Sia

"Help I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, and needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again ... yeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again, and I feel I'm safe."

To Be Cont.