Growing Up

Growing up:

Where you forget how to be a child.
Where you wish for things that once were.
When you have to give up things you never thought you would.

I never wished for much in life growing up except to be a grown up. Here I am, all grown up. The way I am is nicer than I expected. I'm more loving and accepting (due to my education). Though, it's not as fun as I thought it would be. Adults would tell me, don't wish to grow up, you'll regret it. Thanks for that! I only wish I had taken that advice more seriously.

I can't wait to give my children the same advice I was given. Though, I'm going to make sure they don't wish to be an adult too often. I want to provide them with much needed direction in order to be a kid until they have to grow up. I can't wait. :)

The Spirit

The Spirit

I've felt the spirit a lot at certain points in my life and in others not a lot at all.

One particular moment when I felt the spirit especially strong was when Elder Zeiner and Elder Goble asked me to pray. I did that day, and that day I discovered God. I had been reading my scriptures (not as much as they (the missionaries) had hoped, but as much as I could manage) and I had been praying (not the way I do now, but as best I could, then). I had been living as righteously as I knew how. I was 15. I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven. I didn't believe in anything, until that moment. When I said aloud the words of prayer I felt this feeling that overcame me stronger than anything ever has. I didn't know what this feeling was called, but I knew it was good.

My mom asked the missionaries to come and teach me, and that next week I went to church. Immediately I fell in love with what I now call my, "home ward". I had such beautiful people around me who treated me as their own. I went to church, and had the teachings for eight months. I asked my mom about two months into the teachings if I could be baptized, and she asked me to partake of the lessons, and go to church a little longer. I continued to do as she asked, and about five months into it I asked again. She again asked me to continue in my lessons, and so I did. When seven months into it I thought to myself, I need this church in my life. With it I will stay away from the peer-pressures that were and are so predominant in the world today. I then wrote each one of my immediate family members a letter. In each letter I wrote about separate entities, and were each written for that person and I's relationship. Finally my family was willing to let me get baptized.

The night before my baptism was a dark night. I had very negative thoughts, and ideas running through my mind. At one point I just cried. I cried so hard because I felt so trapped under what I would call a spell, a dark spell that I never want to be under again. The next morning was very glorious. It was a beautiful day and I felt better than I had in a long time.

My mom and some of my distant cousins were the only family present. I had Elder Zeiner baptize me. I felt so loved that Saturday, August, 4th 2007. After I was baptized I felt a renowned energy, and felt so uplifted. The next day, Sunday, I was confirmed and was then the newest member of the ward. What a glorious day. 

A few months later, November, 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that made me realize there is so much more to life than I had thought. Not only had I cheated death, but I had the Lord supporting me. If that's not saying you're worth it, I don't know what is. The Lord has a plan for me, what that is I'm slowly but surely finding out. 

The Lord knows me. How do I know? I know by firsthand experience. The Lord knows I'm a visual learner. He also knows I have put a lot of faith and trust into him. So He showed me during my accident that He was there to support and love me. They initially said I wouldn't make it out alive, and if I did I wouldn’t: walk, talk, or eat, seeing as how I had the same injuries as Christopher Reeves (Superman) had. They continued to say this when I got pneumonia, and even going from the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) to ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I very rapidly went from ICU to the Rehab Center in Murray at IMC. I was doubted (not for the reason to doubt, but so people wouldn't get their hopes up). I NEVER once had a doubt. I NEVER once complained. I was tired, but that didn't matter to me, I wanted to go home and finish paving my path. The Lord was with me every step of the way toward recovery. He proved to me that I am worth it, and that he loved me. To this day I know without him I wouldn’t be who I am.

I'm also a tool in the Lord's hands. With my accident it made my uncle believe in a higher power. This is something I never thought would ever happen with our time on this Earth. Every bad thing that happens to me makes me know that I'm a tool in His hands. I'm here to do "His will". People have to learn lessons, and the Lord knows I can handle stressful situations and trauma. I think it's really neat that he puts so much trust in me. 

Our plan instead of looking at it individually needs to be looked at as a whole. You are one speck, but a VERY important speck. I have the ability to see the bigger picture, and the Lord has granted me with this blessing. As I've opened my heart, and mind to him through the past four-in-a-half years of being a member, He has blessed me so much, and I can only imagine what else He has in store for me. 

In 2009 I fell away from the church, sadly. I started taking courses at the University of Utah's College of Social Work. In this I ran from the church because I didn't understand it (the Churches was of thinking). I didn't understand why the church thought certain things (nor did I pray or search for guidance). I didn't know how I would combine my religious values and my social work values so I ran from the problem instead of facing it. I continued to obtain my education, (2 more semesters to go!!!) and then I wrote a paper of which I can share with you if you'd like: How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values? 

While I was away from the church the Lord never left me. He was there when I needed him and let me grow like any parent would. He always seemed to protect me from myself sometimes. I started to take part in sinful like activities, yet He still loved me. It was like I was running from Him, and like any parent, He wouldn't stop loving me.

As I was gallivanting in my own little world I never once thought the things I was doing were bad. When I prayed and asked him, I felt a sense of disapproval, but I never lost that love factor. When I finally decided to repent, the week before this I prayed to Him, and apologized, and asked for His forgiveness. When I went to my bishop I felt a sense of understanding, not a sense of disappointment. The Lord through the Bishop gave me guidance. The kind of guidance I needed, and wanted, and what has helped me become the person I am in the church at this point in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Regretting things only makes you feel bad and unworthy beyond belief. Throughout my whole entire journey the biggest thing I learned is that, God is Love and God is Life. Without Him I wouldn’t have discovered what true happiness is. But you must go through hard times to really enjoy the good times. I do not give him all of the praise, I praise myself as well. “I stand ready to help, but you must invite me in.” If I wouldn’t have invited him I know with the kind of person I am He wouldn’t have tried, though he still would have loved.

Alma 32:21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not see, which are true. This scripture is the one I hold closest to my heart. It’s one I luckily didn’t have to go through in the beginning (He proved He was real by showing me as He helped me through my accident), now I no longer have to see to believe. I just have to have faith.

I can't wrap my mind around the word: Divorce.

Love really isn't as strong as I once thought. 

Love requires a lot of things: trust, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and patience. I've seen marriages succeed, and marriages fail. Sometimes they just don't work out, and it makes sense, even though it sucks.  It's usually meant to be that way, the divorcee and the divorced both end up finding someone in the end who strengthens them more than the divorcee or divorced, thought was possible.

We as human beings get comfortable and stay where we are, and in this situation it makes perfect sense. You don't want to leave this person whom you may have spent 2, 10, 20 or even 30 years with. There may be kids involved, materials both you and the other person have obtained, money, and I guess all assets. It's hard.

Communication and Honesty are the two biggest parts of "falling-in-love", I think. Just my own experiences of failed love and my succession with love. Failed love lacks the communication and honesty whereas; succession with love has so much communication and honesty.

The days of staying with the person no matter what has come and gone, and life changes so quickly. I of course have not been married, but think it's a huge possibility for me and Ab. The question that stands in my head is will it last? I'm not saying that because I doubt us, but because I've seen marriages I never thought would fail, fail. I used to say I refuse to let my marriage fail, but I think that's something that's uncontrollable. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but is the other person willing as well? If you bury the hatchet for years and years eventually there is no hope. So, all I can do is be overly honest and communicate everything in order to insure I've done all I can do.

Love is amazing. Love is beautiful. Love is life.


Psychologist Robert Sternberg made up the Triangular Theory of Love.

• Nonlove 'refers simply to the absence of all three components of love. Nonlove characterizes the large majority of our personal relationships, which are simply casual interactions'.^[3]

• Liking/friendship is 'used here in a nontrivial sense. Rather, it refers to the set of feelings one experiences in relationships that can truly be characterized as friendship. One feels closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment'.^[4]

• Infatuated love: 'infatuation results from the experiencing of passionate arousal in the absence of intimacy and decision/commitment...like Tennov's limerance'.^[5] Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

• Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and develop into another form, indicating 'how empty love need not be the terminal state of a long-term relationship...[but] the beginning rather than the end'.^[6]

• Romantic love 'derives from a combination of the intimate and passionate components of love...romantic lovers are not only drawn physically to each other but are also bonded emotionally'^[7] - bonded both intimately and passionately, but without sustaining commitment.

• Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. 'This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present'^[8] but where a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

• Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage - 'fatuous in the sense that a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate involvement'.^[9]

• Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.” According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.^[10] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die".^[11] Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

The above picture and "explanation" is from wikipedia. :) 

It's as simple as that.

As I sit in my cute little apartment filled with T.I. blaring and my cute little fire-place turned on, I can't help but miss my love. Yesterday I missed his phone call. I cannot tell you how low my heart sunk. I bet it was all the way on the floor. I just started to cry. I seem to have a crying problem lately, yesterday in particular. I was very emotionally confused yesterday. I think internally my mind knows more than my body knows. 


Yesterday at lunch with my colleagues and best friends we started talking about entering the LDS Temple. Now, I don't feel worthy. I know what any member would say, "that's the devil telling you that you aren't worthy", but it's more than that! It's me knowing that when swear words pass my lips I'm not worthy, when I listen to trashy music I am not worthy, etc. People say that doesn't matter ... but to me, it does. I want to be as perfect as a human being can be. I don't think it's setting the bar too high, for I want to achieve great things and make the Lord proud of me. I would rather be at his feet defending my reason for not going, than have him tell me I shouldn't have entered. It's as simple as that. 

Thankful Thursday

11/24/2011
Today I'm thankful to people of color who stood up for what was right in the 1960's.
*If it weren't for these brave and courageous individuals I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be able to date my boyfriend, well, I would I would just have to endure what he would have to endure. I would be alright with it (in my right mind of today), though I'm not sure how I would have felt then. I'm thankful that the oppressed stood up to the oppressor. This to me is what makes my country beautiful. Diversity doesn't run thick in certain parts of it but in others it does. I'm thankful for the diversity I'm blessed with. I recommend you to watch Freedom Song, it's a movie. Also with it the following hymn is now held sacred to my heart because of this movie. Who would have known 50 years later it's still so sacred.

This Little Light Of Mine Hymn

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Won't let Satan blow it out.
I'm gonna let it shine.
Won't let Satan blow it out.
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Let it shine til Jesus comes.
I'm gonna let it shine.
Let it shine til Jesus comes.
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel - NO!
I'm gonna let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel - NO!
I'm gonna let it shine, Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Let it shine over the whole wide world,
I'm gonna let it shine.
Let it shine over the whole wide world,
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Thankful Wednesday :)

11/23/11
I'm thankful for Pat Killian.
* Pat Killian, an off duty paramedic, saved my life four years ago. He's my true life hero. He didn't want to stop that day because he had already had a hellatious week. After he passed the scene he decided to turn around. He broke in the window to the backseat, and did things which he's been trained. He said that he tried to get a response from me but there wasn't one. He then pulled my head up from underneath the drivers seat, and my eyes were affixed, and my face was blue. He cut off my seat belt, cleared the throw-up, and got me out of the car. They estimated I didn't have air for about eight minutes. The main vein in my brain was cauterized, and I now don't get enough oxygen up to my brain. So, sometimes it takes me a little long than most to understand things, and it's the reason I don't remember a lot of stuff from my past.

Thankful Tuesday :)

11/22/11

I'm thankful for my freedom.

*Today is Tuesday the twenty-second day of November. Two days away from the big day, Thanksgiving. I've talked about many things I'm thankful for this past month and plan to continue doing so until the 1st of the year. Never forgetting the things for which I'm thankful. I love my country dearly. But, what I love her most for is her freedom. I'm beyond blessed for the opportunity to live in a country where I can say what I want, think what I want and have room to grow and prosper without doubt. All I want is to know that my children will be able to also have the freedoms of which I have. 

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." -Ronald Reagan. 



"We cannot expect that all nations will adopt like systems, for conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth." - John F. Kennedy 

Thankful Monday :)

11/21/2011
I'm thankful for being able to love myself through God.
*I can love myself. But through God I can love myself more, not to mention get to know him better. He's made me patient, happy, kind, and loving. Especially within the past month or so I've seen all these attributes increase substantially. I am trying to be a replica of Him, at least I think that's why I'm here. In the end it doesn't matter the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the size I am or even the color I am. It matters what's on the inside, what I do with my time on this earth. Like Mark Twain says, "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."


Success is just being happy. And I try so many different things. I do a lot of different things. Because I think God has helped me to love myself. I know who God is, and I love God. - one of the truest quotes I have yet to come across. So thankful today for God and my journey toward loving myself.

11/18/11-11/20/11

11/18/11

I’m grateful for my great-grandma.

*My great-grandmother was such a wonderful woman that all should have known. Some key points in her talk I gave at her funeral were as follows. The noise of the trains through Midvale, she said it would make her feel so alive in the middle of the night. Another was the fact of how much she loved her dogs. “If it’s good enough for me to eat, it’s good enough for my dog to eat.” You would never leave her home hungry. She loved cookies, cakes and pastries. Whenever I think of donuts or eat donuts I think of her. She was the kindest, softest-toned woman you’d ever meet. I’m beyond blessed to have known her. This will be our third thanksgiving without her. She was the glue to our family. Too bad in reality it was just elmers-glue and not super-glue.

11/19/11

I’m grateful for sadness.

*For without it we would not have happiness.

11/20/11

I’m grateful for happiness.

*Happiness is the sole greatest emotion to feel. Happiness over-rides many emotions in my book. Happiness can cure all ills in your life so long as you let it.

11/15/11 - 11/17/11

11/15/11
I'm greatful for a fantastic job.
*A year and twelve days I've had my fantastic job of working with individuals who have disabilities. It's taught me patience. It's taught me humility. It's taught me compassion. It's taught me boundaries. It's taught me more things than not and the ladies I assist are beyond amazing.

11/16/11
I'm greatful for Social Work.
*If it weren't for this career path I wouldn't be the person I am today. I've grown far more than I ever thought possible and I'm only 20 years old. Your brain is fully developed by the age of 25 so I can only imagine where I will be in 5 more years ... better yet 4 years and two months. :)

11/17/11
I'm greatful for my colleagues.
*I have met some of the most AMAZING individuals at The University of Utah's College of Social Work. People of all walks of life are my dear friends. I would do anything for these individuals as they would do anything for me.

Thankful for my health.

11/14/11
I'm thankful for my health.
*Today is a great day to be thankful for such a powerful thing. I may not "look" physically fit compared to a common stereotype; being skinny. But, under this layer of fat I truly am a fairly healthy person. A lot of people tell me not to put myself down by calling myself fat. I'm not putting myself down, I'm facing facts. I'm working my ass off, literally, to fit into that common stereotype of being skinny. I want to know what it feels like to be under a size 12 of which the last time that happened was fifth grade. Though, after my accident in '07 that size just increased steadily from '07-'09. I decided I would take initiative and get into shape. My highest weight was 360 pounds. I got all the way down to 243, I lost 117 pounds in about 9 months of continuous gym time. Well, I've gained about 47 pounds back. (Due to a lot of circumstances, though I won't blame it on a single thing because this is life, and my weight loss is a change cycle, google change cycle and I know everyone has gone through it.) But, we're all human and our biggest goal in life is progression. I work out 5-7 days a week. I eat fairly healthy and I have even started meditation - it truly has helped me to see who I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing. Things could be a lot worse, and things happen for a reason. So, call me what you must but know that it won't phase me. :)

11/11/11 - 11/13/11

11/11/11

I'm thankful for my education.

*I'm one of the biggest pro-education people out there. I believe it is the key to success (I said that in my High School Graduation Speech). I honestly do not know where I would be today without it. I love education more than I love most things. It can get you so far in life. Some people say that it is the biggest rip-off out there. But, I would have to disagree. Maybe it is if you don't do anything with your education but, for me I know that I'll always use my education. I've learned so many interesting things especially since being at the College of Social Work. I'm no longer; color-blind, closed-minded, weak, stubborn, or rash in my decision making. I think things through. I actually pay attention to things around me. I actually think and use my brain. Where before I was led like a lot of the blind individuals are today. Don't believe everything your history teacher once taught you. I can't believe I wanted to be a History teacher. But, I'm blessed for the fact that it is what started me in wanting to go to college. 

11/12/11

I'm thankful for football.

*Today, I'm thankful for football! Football is the love of my life in the Fall. And, tonight was perfect football weather. The beginning of 3rd quarter is my favorite. I can't help but feel so calm in those first five minutes of the game. It's almost as if I'm in a dream though I can see everything clear as day. Everything is muffled and I just see so much joy and excitement on everyone's faces. The wind always blows in my face and I just get this great tingly sensation throughout my body and I'm just happy. :) Football is something I'll be forever grateful toward. Especially my UTES. In 2007 they helped me to see that life really is amazing. When Nai Fotu, Morgan Scalley, and a few other players came up to see me I literally felt like I had died and gone to Heaven. I had just gotten my feeding tube out along with many others and I couldn't breathe very well. So when they walked around the corner I was saying and gasping for breath, "Morgan ... Scalley ... is ... here ... with ... me ... right ... now." He even kissed me on the cheek! :)  The football they all signed for me is one I'll forever treasure. Football = LOVE & LIFE ... for me. :) 

11/13/11

I'm thankful for bananas.

*This one may be a little weird for some people, but it's true. I believe bananas are one of God's greatest gifts to man. Ha, along with many others. BUT! I do love bananas. It's like eating a candy bar with all the sugary goodness it contains. Though, they're great for you. I love them frozen, super ripe, in my steel-cut-oats, on ice cream, in smoothies, you name it - I like them in it! :) 

Healthy Food

11/10/11
I'm thankful for (healthy) food.
*Right now I'm sitting down to a delicious bowl of organic steel cut oats. Last night I sat down to a delicious salad of spinach, black beans, egg, and sunflower seeds. Before that I went out and had delicious Asian food. I mean, it's in abundance around me. About a month ago is when I really became thankful for it though. This is when I realized what foods were doing to my body. I realized fast food is junk, literally. Subway is the only place excluded from that statement. Depending on what you get. I get a delicious veggie delight on wheat bread so I know I'm good :) In a lot of places around the world and even in our own nation there are people who are unable to obtain fresh fruits and veggies. It's too expensive. I am a single woman, living on my own. I may have a friend over once in a while, but that has nothing really to do with my food supply of healthy foods. So, I'm able to buy fresh fruits and veggies. I don't need a ton of it to feed a family. It's funny how food is something I'm thankful for. But, I am. :)

11/05/2011 - 11/09/2011

I've been writing down my "thankful posts" so I'm bunching them up. Sorry, if you've been reading and I left you high and dry ;)

11/05/2011
I'm thankful for my scriptures.
*I purchased my scriptures on August 3rd, 2007. I went into Deseret Book across from Fashion Place mall and picked out my quad as well as which font I wanted my name in on my quad. (This was the day before my baptism) I'm blessed to have these holy scriptures to look to, and to guide me, in times of sorrow and in times of happiness.

11/06/2011
I'm thankful for hymns.
*I got a book of the LDS hymns when I left from my home ward. My young women's leaders even engraved my name on the book, though there are two s's in my name I adore them more than anyone will ever know. I love singing, Come Follow Me. It calms my heart no matter what is going on.

11/07/2011
I'm thankful for prayer.
*Another fabulous thing that calms me and helps me to choose the right :) Prayer is so powerful and I'm beyond blessed to know what prayer can do for me.

11/08/2011
I'm thankful for sushi
*Sushi, my love. Especially with Tania and Stefanie, is delicious. I'm also in love with Shenghai Rolls and Egg Drop Soup. I swear I was Asian in another life. :)

11/09/2011
I'm thankful for Walt Disney
*Tonight I took my little to see Disney on Ice and I cannot tell you how happy seeing all the little girls in Princess dresses made me feel. Disney did a wonderful thing, he created something that will be around forever. I love you! :)

Repentance.

Before I get too far ahead of myself here I want to state: I believe that the LDS religion isn't the sole true religion on this planet. I believe the "Lord", "Allah", "Buddah", etc. wouldn't put a single religion on this planet that was the only true one. I believe as long as you are happy, and being nice to your fellow human beings that's all you need in life, but me, this is my story. 

I need God.

Without God I am not happy. 

Without the priesthood, I am not happy.

Without the morals that are presented in this faith I am a crumbling mess. I thank the Lord at night for guiding me to the light ... where I personally am meant to be. I am not righteous, but someday I wish to be. I want to love everyone with all I have and never think a bad thing about anyone (except the guy who cut me off, wait ... that's not righteous. Okay, count that guy in too). I want to look at the beauty in everything. I want to feel the spirit at all times. I want to feel like I can say I love God and not worry that I may or may not offend someone around me. I have a long ways to go. 

I'm not a lost soul, at least I don't think so. I've been granted an opportunity to go to the University of Utah and was accepted into the Bachelor of Social Work Program. It's beyond Liberal and without this type of education I would be, another member of society in the small little bubble that reads, "I am a bigot". Okay, I'm a little too harsh (see I need that righteous tone). When I took a course that opened my eyes at the University to complete my pre-requisites to apply to the program this is when it hit me, "There is no way I can be LDS and love Gay people,"(otherwise known as LGBTQ). Well, I'm taking a leap of faith, literally. I'm writing a Literary Paper and in it I am going to try and find research regarding Conservative Religious Members being able to maintain Liberal Social Work Values and represent the LGBT community. 

Wow, I can already feel you glaring at me. 

Life is too short to say you're Gay, so your bad. Shut up, already. Love one another as you would love yourself (I know that's scriptural based - kudos for me). I love everyone, no matter any differences. I don't care if the bible say's they're bad. The bible also said people of color were bad, proved you wrong! As the laws change I believe that the LDS religion will begin letting LGBT couples wed in the temple. 

Okay, Okay. I'll get off my soap box. :)

Just know for once in my life I believe repentance works. I'm proud to say I have officially forgiven myself for a lot of the bad things I've done in life. 

God.Is.Love

11/04/2011 "One Love"

I'm thankful for music.
* Without music life would be dull. I wouldn't be able to dance in the shower. I wouldn't be able to sing annoying songs in the middle of stores and embarrass the ones I'm with. I wouldn't be able to turn on the radio and start smiling because my favorite song is on. I wouldn't be able to run the miles I run at the gym. I wouldn't be able to drive. I wouldn't be able to be alone. And mostly I don't think I would be able to live. I see music in everything I do. I relate my life to songs, I think they write some songs just because of the way I'm feeling! :)

"One Love, One Heart. Oh, let's get together now and we can feel alright. Let them all pass their dirty remarks. There is one question I'd really love to ask. Is there a place for the hopeless sinner, who has hurt all mankind just to save his beliefs?" -Bob Marley :)

11/01/11-11/03/11

Thankful Days in November :)

11/01/2011 ~
I'm thankful to be alive.
*Without life how can I be thankful? Exactly. I'm not going to go into detail or else I'll give away every reason I'm thankful. Just know that all these "thankful" comments are under the umbrella of "LIFE". for me.

11/02/2011
I'm thankful for my beautiful friends and family.
* I have one of the most amazing families. I know a lot of people say that. But mine fits me perfectly. I was raised to speak my mind, not back down when I know I have a valid point to make, and to love everyone. They love me no matter what and make it known to strangers what a fantastic individual I'm becoming.
* I have the best group of friends God could have ever given me. They vary all ages, sizes, backgrounds, educations, etc. I have my true friends that will never go anywhere and will always be there: Alexis & Asheleigh. I then have my great social work friends: Tania, Amanda, Taylor, Stefanie, Jen, Angela ... gosh the whole program! But these guys in particular help me through my mellow-dramatic parts and listen and love me no matter what. I also have friends at work, while volunteering and even at the gas station. I'm beyond blessed.

11/03/2011
I'm thankful for the brave, loving, genuine, and goal oriented-boyfriend, ever.
*Abraham. I love him. He's serving for my country, of which he's not even a citizen . I love everything about him. Especially the way he makes me feel. He's helped me turn a lot of things around in my life. He loves me no matter if I'm crying, happy, wearing no make up, in my gym clothes, or fancied up. He's going to be my rock one day, and I promise to be his as well. :)

I'll now start posting one a day. For the rest of the month, and maybe even through December :) I have a million things to be thankful for, it's time I start noticing some of them.

xoxo,
Kas

Things far more precious this Holiday Season.

I was on Facebook, as usual. While on there I actually have "liked" quite a few pages that are very informative and educational. Well, NPR had an article posted. I'm usually always interested in any article that is about our soldiers. I was always interested in them, but lately I'm ten times more interested. I think it's due to the fact that the love of my life is in the military. He's just at basic, but once he graduates who knows where he'll be. It made me cry to think about all the loved ones families. And how scared I would be if I got a knock on my door, my heart would drop and I don't know what I would do.
http://www.npr.org/2011/11/01/141724329/as-casualties-mounted-so-did-marine-families-fears?sc=fb&cc=fp

Happiness.

Love is my happiness. I'm elated to say that I have received another letter from my love. I actually was able to write him back and that made my heart so, so, so happy!!! He's coming home for Christmas and I cannot begin to tell you how happy that made me to hear. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. :)

Persistence

You know that you've been working out enough when your body wakes you up and wants to go to the gym. I've been doing so great at going every day this week! Next week though, I have a set time to get up and go. Which is a good thing, so long as my body lets me. I also lost three pounds this week, since I've been working out. I'm beyond stoked about it. Well, off to the bigger picture! - Eating a nasty diet, un-full of sweets and regular carbs and full of mixed berries, yogurt, cottage cheese, spinach and complex carbs .. oh and don't forget the protein! Hopefully my body can hurry and adjust to the food as it has to the exercise.

Figuring Out Your Purpose

"SMILE" - What a simple word! I was stopped at a light while driving on Tuesday to class when a couple of people on the side of the road were asking for money. On the other side of the sign it said, "SMILE!" I smiled then I grabbed the change out of my change holder in my car when they said, "Your smile was all we needed, we like to smile too you know!" I thought what a great thing to want and deserve in life. 

Today was an amazing day. I miss the boy a ton this evening. I think the biggest reason is because I want to talk to him about what a great day I had. I seriously smiled and laughed so much today. Sometimes, for no reason at all. I LOVED it! Also, someone put so much trust in me and told be a lot about their current life circumstances. I had such an amazing feeling, the feeling I get when I feel the spirit. I knew what I was doing at that very moment was why I was still on this planet. I'm beyond blessed for that opportunity and am beyond excited to continue on my journey. 

Letters

I've written a letter for my boyfriend for every day that he's been gone. ahaha  - it's a little pathetic. I'm going to continue doing that, but in a journal. Though, I'm only going to write him a letter & send one a week to cap up and summarize my life. I know he would love it, but I know he would also think I had no life. Well, who's kidding who here? I don't.

I got my first letter from him. I'm so beyond excited. When I went to my mailbox I had a ton of junk mail - see one of my first posts about how much I despise that kind! - BUT tucked in it all was a letter from him! Oh man, I love him oh so much. I could re-read that letter and never once get tired of it. :)

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller 

Football, Love & Abraham

Abraham and I spent dang near 24 hours together and I feel like they were the most amazing hours, minutes, seconds and special moments of my life. I love that man more than I love anything. Though, I will never forget my first true love, football. He went to the Utes game with me and what's super important to me is that he loves it as much as me. Which, he does! He was cheering and whistling louder than most people I take do. It made my heart super happy!

At the game a guy brought a sign that said, "My wife thinks I'm at conference" and "Text me when it's the Second Coming 1-800-GO-UTES!" --> Everyone was laughing so hard.

As I always say the third quarter is my favorite and it makes me feel the spirit, weird, I know! I appreciate it more than ever.

We discussed how trust is stronger than love - which is huge!
We discussed how I'm only 20 and yet I'm in love and how awesome it feels.
We discussed how he claims I'm not a needy girlfriend - wow! I though, I was.
I haven't cried yet, I'm just waiting for it to hit me.


Being in love is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt! 

Raspberry Sorbet and a Broken Pelvis

Do I care that there is a lot of Sugar? Nope! Is it delicious, yup! I will admit that my new obsession is Haagen-Dazs Raspberry Sorbet. Delish.

My pelvis is beyond messed up. It's overly annoying. I never thought I would feel this pain ever again. It's so foreign yet so familiar.

Oh, and these stupid red-lights in this city are going to be the death of me. I'm sick of them. All day that's all I've come across. I'm so over driving.

Rants ... gotta love em'!

The Love of My Life

I found the love of my life.
1. No pressure under any circumstance.
2. He gives me Eskimo kisses after we kiss.
3. He gives me a kiss on the cheek every time I see him and every time he goes.
4. He is dedicated, motivated and strong.
5. He is so fancy and always looks his best.
6. He always smells good.
7. He gives me butterflies.
8. He makes me smile all the time.
9. He loves me for me, he compliments me and he makes sure I know that I'm beautiful.
10. He is very future-oriented.

I always wondered when people said, "I know he's the one." How they knew. I knew the very first date, Denny's for pancakes! :) He ordered a salad with mayo. I just giggled. We talked about the most serious of things, on the first date. I LOVE that. Being forward and straight is how I like it. Not only is he forward and straight but he does it with a smile, a loving smile. Religion, Politics, Children, Education, and well Life in general we see eye to eye. How important is that? I cannot tell you in words how much I love him. There aren't enough of them.

He leaves for basic on the 3rd of October. It's beyond heart breaking. I love him though, and I know this is a good thing. I support him 152% with it and always will. It's just so hard when you find some stability in your life and all of a sudden it will be gone for four months. Ugh, how I'll do it is beyond me. The good thing is, I get to work on me. Not only with school but with working out, volunteering and making sure I know what I want in my future and why ... and when :)

If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to.

A feeling that was a great refresher!

I'm not here to brag, okay ... maybe just a little. 

Today in my Social Work Practice II course we were talking about behavioral plans for families with children. I stated how a plan is used at my work, confidentially. (Don't worry you co-workers)  And how I could see it being used in family settings. The professor stated how it is too complex and how some parents wouldn't follow through because of the complexity. I said, okay, I can see that but at the same time if they were older children I can see it really working well. 

One of my colleagues then added, well if the mom has: two, three, or even four children and works and goes to school she won't want to deal with it. I was fuming. Okay, most of you know how I can get when I feel like I have a valid statement and someone goes above me to try and prove me wrong. At the end of class my professor pulls me aside and gives me some knuckles and is just laughing. I said, "What? Did I do something wrong? What's so funny." He continued to laugh for a minute before he said, "You're just funny." I said, "Why because I stand up for myself and say what I believe" He said, "Yes, but it's a good thing!" 

Come on! If you want your children to learn and have better behavioral patterns you're going to do the work it takes to encourage great behavior from your children. 

There are 18 more days until he leaves and I feel my heart breaking as the minutes pass. It's good for him and for our future, but it still leaves me a little sad. I need to put some positive quotes up and look on the bright side, but it's so difficult.

Trying so hard to give up.

I got into an accident last Saturday (the 27th of August) and since then my life has gone down-hill. I seem to make a step forward then make five steps back. Then, it repeats. I really have a huge desire to live life but it's hard right now and I haven't been in this funk for quite some time. It seems very foreign, yet like a good friend I haven't seen for a while. Good thing that life goes on. 

And it hurts to see all my ex's so happy. I'm not saying I'm not happy in my relationship but I feel like they didn't try as hard for me. Yeah, definitely a confidence booster! :) And he's leaving in 27 days, what a drag. I usually love countdowns, but I really hate this one! 

Trauma

I'm a trauma target. Since November 14th, 2007 I have had a lot of trauma in my life.

Feb 2009 Car Accident
June 2010 Laid Off
May 2011 Car Accident
August 2011 Car Accident

These car accidents are not helping me get over the initial car accident in 2007 - luckily none of them have been my fault but I still can't help but to think I'm a target. I found a quote today that makes me worry and sends my anxiety soaring:


"Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."

~ Cherríe Moraga

I'm ready for a break ... whenever I'm supposed to get it. Of course, life is amazing. I won't deny that but finally it's all crashing down on me and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with it. 

Some People

On Sunday I was with my clients at the Church History Museum. This guy is standing outside this box in a parking lot saying we need to pay him $6.00 - well, I ignored him and continued driving. He didn't approach me at first but soon, like 5 minutes later, he comes over and acts like he's going to call whomever it is to come and impound my car. He comes over and says, "You have to pay me or else I'll call someone to remove your car." I said, "Go for it, I'm not paying you!" (I really thought all parking was free in SLC, on Sunday's. Maybe I need to learn how to read signs. I won't deny that I needed to pay, but I wasn't about to pay him personally.) So, here I am telling him get in the box and I'd pay him. He holds up the key and I repeated, "Get it the box and I'll pay you!" He's says, "The key is broken!" I said, "You're a thief! Let me talk to your boss!" He said, "It's Sunday everyone is off work." He points to this shed (over a fence) and says, "If you have any problems take it up with the office." I said, "No, I'll take it up with the police." So I call 9-1-1 and all of a sudden he jumps on his mountain bike and yells, "I'm going to get the LDS police." I said, "Yeah, I'm sure. I'll wait right here for the. Hurry! Go and get them so that I can straighten this out." Of course, he didn't bring them. He was nothing but a liar and a thief! Who knows how much money he stole from not only innocent people, but the church. I'm still livid about this and probably will be for a long time. I can't wait till his judgement day!

Thanks.

I'm an under-dog and perfectly fine with admitting it. 

Not many people think I can lose all the weight I wish to lose and I think that's what keeps me going. I want to prove them wrong. Anyways, I like routing for the under-dog. My UTES have been an under-dog in many occasions where they have won it! Especially the Fiesta Bowl & Sugar Bowl. I love watching the person with more desire win it, rather than the one who has the most money or better looks. Just know that no matter what I will prove you wrong.

P.S. I can't even fit in my fat jeans anymore, they're like work out pants now. If I could do the splits, I know I could do it in the jeans I wore today because they weren't even jeans. They were stretch pants without elastic. They fell off me when I got undressed, felt amazing. So to everyone that doesn't believe in me, thanks. 

Bigger & Better Things!

I'm off to bigger and better things. I got the class I failed, behind me. I have 19 days until school starts back up and I can solely concentrate on Social Work, WOO! A lot has gone on and this post is directed toward all of it.


1. I have a million clients I volunteer with and I LOVE it! It reminds me how much I love people, especially the elderly. I have 24 clients now and I visit 12 a week. I'm kinda busy with it but I do adore it.


2. I have my little and we've gone on two outings together. She's super cute and I fall more and more in love with her each passing second that I'm with her. The first activity was getting frozen yogurt and feeding the ducks. TWO of my favorite things ever! She's just like me with how she wanted her ice cream to squealing when she saw the baby ducks. Reminds me that one day I may want children. Especially to have a mini-me. :) 


3. I am going to be on that show "I Survived ... Beyond & Back". Tomorrow I have a SKYPE interview with Becky Beamer which is the lady that liked my story and passed it onto the BIOGRAPHY channel. Well, they loved it and I'm going to be on it! Hopefully, so long as the interview tomorrow goes well.


4. I start my senior year at the U on the 22nd. What? My senior year? I know, I can't believe it either! I'm quite stoked about it. I'll be 21 with my bachelors. I'm going to work my ass off so I can get into the Master's Accelerated Program! Keep your fingers crossed!


5. I've been doing two-a-days at the gym the past couple weeks and I'm loving the results and I'm always so sore. LOVE IT! I hope this really kicks my butt into gear. I'm also doing a detox and I LOVE IT as well! :) 


I've missed this happiness ... it's been really lacking lately. I don't know who to thank. 


No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't. - Marilyn Monroe - uhm f'real. I agree with you, lady! 

Much Better!

Today my total demeanor has changed. Thanks to endorphin's! LOVE THEM! A man I'm currently talking to I think has a little to do with it. He just accepts me for what I am ... though he has yet to see the extreme side of me, both good and bad. Sorry, I like to sing in the middle of stores and dance in my car. I don't care who's watching as long as I'm having a good time then life is great. Now I think I'm gonna go take a shower and do my shower dance and sing at the top of my lungs. I'm stoked about it.

xo,
Kas

Feeling Lost: Without a Direction in Sight

A whirlwind has taken up my thoughts. Honestly, I feel crazy. I want to cry, laugh, love, run, be wild, have that melt down that is supposed to happen in your 40's not your 20's. I worked out twice today thinking it would clear my thoughts, it didn't. I hate when you think, Oh! This will do the trick! And it fails miserably. I just want some guidance. Some hope. I've been missing that a lot lately and it's a horrible thing to loose sight of.

Hoping for some positive change, some peace & some love.

xo,
Kas

I Am Addicted - You'd Agree

I like a few things a little too much and I am bound and determined to stop.

FACEBOOK. Don't lie, you are too! I am an opinionated person and I like to post status updates - it's really not that cool, but it makes me feel legit.

CELL PHONE. Everyone is so dependent on these technological devices. I need to get out from under the stupid thing.

BOTTLED WATER. I'm killing the environment and I'm not proud of it ... I think I'm going to get the new BRITA Water Bottle Filter. ( http://www.amazon.com/Filtrete-3M-Water-Station/dp/B00407ZHSO/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1312213691&sr=8-4 )

I don't want to tell you all my down falls so for now those three are enough. :)

peace & love, f'real.

Words To Live By

Just a few of my favorite words to live by:

Service Above Self.  Differences can be a strength. See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. Whatever you are be a good one. Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got. Never believe in mirrors or newspapers. Work out your own salvation, do NOT depend on others. Ask, don't assume. 

I had to attach some of my favorite songs I found, these are on repeat constantly in my car, apartment and phone.
As always,
Peace & Love

aha, this last one is amazing ... the guys looks kinda funny but he sounds AMAZING. <3 Weezy! 

Crying

Today I cried after volunteering with this little old man and his wife who's on hospice. Well, we were talking and having a good time. Then he goes on to talk about his son's who had over dosed on drugs a while back. He was fine and then I knew he was getting choked up. He continued and said what's hard is to know how hard it is on my wife. When I would leave the house about five years ago, she would go downstairs and scream at the top of her lungs because of how much pain and sadness she was feeling. He was crying and then he reached out his hand to his wife and he said grab my hand. She grabbed his hand and he said I love you sweet heart. I was bawling like a baby.

Afterward we walked outside and I just started crying even more and said, "See this is why I can't be a Social Worker, I cry too much!" Emogene said, "No, I think it's good that you cry and show your emotions that lets the other people around you know it's alright. I think crying shows real empathy. You were in there for not even an hour, you barely know them and you are empathizing. That shows you are genuine and there for the right reasons."

This made me feel so much better about my emotions. I can't help it when I see something so terribly sad but to cry. I used to hide away all emotions but you know what? I'm done doing that. I adore volunteering! It makes me such a better person and I'm blessed to volunteer with amazing clients/patients!

P.S. Count your many blessings! Your last day could be today.

Gold's Gym: People Watching

I worked out this morning as usual a few minutes after 7 because for some reason I hit every red light possible. That's fine; I won't let that stop me! It was a great work out. Beyond great, amazing! I burned 2600 calories in an hour and a half and even got to sit in the sauna for about 15 minutes and stretch. I feel invincible in there. When else can I touch the concrete? Not only does my stomach get in the way but my boobs as well. Not in there! All your muscles get elongated and I can touch my palms to the floor. (Not crouching!)

There are a few people I watch there, because they come about the same time or a few minutes later or earlier than me. There are two old guys one is I believe 98 and the other told me today he's going to be 87 in September. There are a few older ladies that I talk to as well and encourage me, from the ages of 45-69. They tell me I'm doing great I think it's just a "grandma/grandpa" attitude to encourage someone who works their ass off for what they want, not many young people are like that so I'm told.

There are also a ton of Soldiers, mostly Marines that come at 7:30 AM sharp. I'm on the elliptical or stair master when they show up and I just watch their endurance grow and increase weekly. They wear these shirts that say: Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body. I want one. Doubt I could get one because I can't join but it would be legit. Well, I was watching them particularly today (not creeper status) as I was walking out of the sauna particularly. They were carrying each other. Now for the average person, that's not so average, like me that would be a work out. Unfortunately you and I both know why they're doing those kinds of drills. I teared up a bit and kept walking and watched the one guy do about 10 sets meaning taking the guy on his shoulders from one end of the gym to the other. He was so QUICK! I would want him to be my partner if I was in the military.

As I was driving home I was listening to Beyonce then decided to change the CD to the Dixie Chicks. I put it on Shuffle and the first song was Traveling Soldier. I teared up again and couldn't help but thinking about this war, those guys, all military - past, present and future. Well, all I can say is I love all our soldiers and am happy that I got to think about this. It sucks, it's not something I love to think about. Actually, I hate it but it reminds me how bad I wanted to be in the Air Force and I feel like I missed out on a huge opportunity. Not like I can change anything though. Life goes on and I'm so proud of all the soldiers out there. Katie Nay, I am especially proud of you. It is awesome to see a girl become a Marine. Maybe you could get me one of those shirts?

The way things used to be . . .

I've been dating this guy for what has only been a month but seem more like eternity. You know when you're little or I should say in middle school and you have a crush on who seems to be the perfect guy for you, etc? You know how you didn't think, Oh am I going to marry him? Or, Am I going to have kids with this guy? You didn't care about anything except how your hair and makeup looked? Why can't I go back to that? Every guy I've date these past 2 years have all had that potential to be my husband. I'm tired of looking at it this way but I just can't help it. The guy I'm dating told me I'm taking things too quickly. My views on it are if you want me to have sex with you, you at least have to meet my family first. Come on! I'm a virgin and am proud of this fact; I don't know many anymore except for certain Mormon friends. I'm waiting for the right guy . . . Am I wrong in wanting him to meet my family though? I know this is a public forum and it's like a "diary" and I shouldn't put my stuff of blast but come on, we're all adults and can handle this kind of talk. Suggestions? Guidance? I'd love it. Oh, but none of this . . . "Hold on to it" "Don't let anyone take it from you" Cause really, that's why I still have it, I'm not stupid! :)

My Epiphany: Religious Tolerance

I'm an LDS member, though I'm what people consider a Jack Mormon. At first when I started traveling down this long road of what is unacceptable within the LDS religion I was so scared. I kept it from people; I was what one would call ashamed. 


At 16 I was taught by MANY missionaries and by many I would say at least a good dozen for a good 8 months.  I was finally baptized on August 4th, 2007 by Elder Zeiner (Erik Zeiner) and it was phenomenal. I've never felt so clean and pure and happy, ever. I went to church religiously, literally. Until November 14th, 2007 which is when I was in my car accident. My family read scriptures to me, I had many blessings and my mom even told me about this time with my scriptures. She handed me my scriptures and I turned to Alma 32:21 without even being able to see my scriptures because of my halo and I pointed to this scripture which was all time favorite "And now as I said concerning faith—^afaith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye ^bhope for things which are ^cnot seen, which are true." My mom tells me how amazing that moment was. I believe I got into that accident for a reason. Even after being baptized I had a hard time believe there was this person otherwise known as God. He knew He needed to show me that He was real. He proved that through a miracle, me. I'm a miracle that shouldn't have done half of the things I have so far. 


I went to church after for a couple years. I got my patriarchal blessing my senior year. My junior year and senior year I was steadfast with it and then when we moved to West Valley City is when I started to fall away. I went at least twice a month but soon that became once every other month, etc. When I moved out on my own a year ago at first I didn't want to and then I found which church I was supposed to go to. Well, I went one week and the next week it was burned down. I know that's not a sign but that's what it felt like. So, I stopped going. The bishop's wife called me and told me where they were at and so I went one more week. At this point it was about 7 months since I had set foot in a church so it was really awkward. My morals were still high but I skipped out on a few of them and I wasn't feeling worthy. At this point I just stopped altogether. It was like a meat market, you were supposed to go there and meet someone and fall in love, get married and start having babies. It's not my time yet and it's nothing but awkward silence and I'm over that. There has to be more to the world than that.


Last night I watched a movie called Gandhi. Talk about open your eyes to the world. I talked to my boyfriend about where I could go and repent and he offered to take me to his Temple. He's a Buddhist and I'm super fascinated in learning about a new religion (or way of living) that really hasn't been brought to my attention. I stayed up until about 3:45 am or so studying and researching and really trying to find this essence I'd been missing out on. I even wrote down this thing that is just title Confession: 
All the evil karma committed by me since of old,
On account of greed, anger & folly, which have no beginning,
Born of my body, mouth & thought -
I now make full open confession. 
Now if just saying that doesn't make you feel re-born I'm surprised. I meditated a little, at least what I know as meditation and a lot came to me. I'm still lost, I won't deny that but I'm so much more at peace. My only problem at this point is who do I announce when I pray? Last night before and after meditating I said a prayer and I started it by saying, "Whichever God may be listening to me please hear my prayer." I just asked for strength to get through whatever they thought I needed strength to get through. He or She for that matter knows me very well and I could ask for a million things but (S)He is going to give me what I need. 


Now my Dream is Peace . . . as any of you who read my blogs know. Do any of you know what I think will bring Peace on Earth? Religious Tolerance.  I think through Religious Tolerance would benefit not only America but the whole entire world. For any of you reading this not in America I'm sure you think oh man look at Western Society and you're right but I accept your ideologies so just accept mine. I'm not here to bash your religion and I'm not here to hate your religion. I'm here to accept it.


I'm a person who believes in religious tolerance in my eyes that means I believe every religion is true. Let me explain before you think something that maybe you shouldn't. Just listen and hear me out. I believe the Lord wouldn't put a sole religion on this planet. Everyone has different perspectives, ideologies, thoughts and opinions. He knows us, all of us and He knows how to reach different people in different cultures and in different worlds. 


After doing some research my "definition" is pretty darn close. "Religious and social conservatives often interpret the phrase as related to a person’s beliefs about other people's different religious beliefs. It means that, to be tolerant, one must accept all religions as equally valid and true.

This is close to a religious concept called "pluralism" which states that all religions are true and valid within their own cultures." One problem is that if diverse beliefs are all true, then absolute does not exist. These conservatives generally find unacceptable. Also, taken to a logical extreme, this definition of tolerance would require people to accept the existence of Yahweh, Allah, the Wiccan Goddess, Thor, Re, Jupiter, Venus, Diana, Fergus, etc. as real Gods and Goddesses."

Please watch this video and really think and ponder it and decide if you will take action: