As I grew up, you weren't supposed to cry.
As I grow up, I cry more and more.
After a tragic incident in 2007 I really didn't feel.
I didn't feel like everyone else. I never felt stress. I never felt sadness. I never felt envy. I never felt any "negative" feeling. I only felt "happy" related feelings.
I didn't even understand what really happened.
As I get older, I am remembering things.
When I see something that reminds me of this incident I cry. When I cry I feel ashamed. When I feel ashamed I cry more.
Crying is such a funny emotion. Crying was always portrayed to me as a sign of weakness. Yet, when someone else would cry I felt something, something that was strong.
As I am going through life; realizing I was lied to. Having this "guilt" because of what people, white people, christian people, "my people". Some innocently did bad things to PEOPLE who didn't deserve it. Others have done bad things to PEOPLE, purposefully.
Indians, African's, African-American's, people with disabilities, LGBT individuals, under privileged people, INNOCENT people.
I feel guilt for MY people forcing the Indians to the Midwest/West . . . and forcing them to assimilate, yet to this day not allowing them the same opportunities I am granted. I am so angry, and this anger has turned into tears that sometimes I just cannot control.
But just like we cannot send every Mexican back to Mexico, the Indian's cannot send me or "my people" back to my "home country" because I would not KNOW anything about it.
Everything going on in my life doesn't help my feelings when it comes to this. I love America. I'm not saying I've given up. What I want to know is why I've had to get myself into debt to LEARN the TRUTH and why I couldn't have just been taught the TRUTH from the beginning.
This country is fucked up, and I'm so angry about it.
Maybe one day I won't be ashamed of crying, maybe one day I will stop saying I'm sorry for showing emotion. When that day comes I will have personal liberation. I will no longer be chained. I will be free.
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
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