12/14/2012

Another Reason - I understand that this thought may be a little irrational, but the massacre that happened in Connecticut yesterday, reinforced my feelings. I have witnessed too many mothers, fathers, and families bury babies. I know that it will continue in my future as well. I feel ridiculous saying, "maybe when I'm older I will change my mind." Not only because I have lived on my own for 2.5 years, not only because I just graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work, but because I feel I have reached my maturity, and adulthood. I guess we as humans continue to grow all our lives.  

Mental Illness - We need to understand, even as the news has said, this man had a mental illness. Everyone is asking why? As they ask, I get frustrated, because I know why . . . he was very sick. NO, that does not give him the right by any means. I had hoped my Social Work Colleagues would get this, but a lot haven't. Maybe they're just angry, I have to give them the benefit of the doubt, if I'm giving a man in charge of a massacre the same respect. With that, it bugs me when people say, "He will go to hell", or "He should rot in hell." Uhm, I don't think this is properly stated. He was SICK, and I think God will forgive him, in fact if God is real, he will. At least the God I know will.  

Trauma - No, I am not directly affected by this, and no, I am not trying to move attention to me in any way shape or form. But, I cannot help but think every time I enter a movie theater, a shopping mall, my own University (which is over for about a year and half), even Wal-Mart (which I strongly dislike as it is), and the sort, that I will get shot, or witness a shooting. 

At work my anxiety is sky high, last night I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was someone coming to my client's home and shooting us all. Whenever I closed my eyes, that's what I saw. I did before the recent shooting, but told myself it wasn't rational, now I realize that is a lie. It could in fact happen. So, i am now afraid to sleep. I sound like a crazy person, but I can assure you I am not. 

   

Gun Control - I am neither pro-gun or anti-gun. This is just my thought process, add any comments, help me to form my opinion, if you so wish. I think that we need to uphold the Second Amendment. People should be able to purchase a gun, and bare arms, no doubt. Why take away rights of the people? Massacres don't just happen, shootings don't just happen. I should feel safe with guns, with the idea of guns, with gun shots, as I did whilst I was growing up. But, I am NO longer comfortable, as I'm sure many people don't. 

My idea, which is like a few others: people need to follow the same steps it takes to get a license, and to own a car. 

1. Learn about it, Gun Safety.

2. Get a License to use it.

3. Get gun owners Insurance, before you can purchase a gun.

4. Purchase a gun when steps 1-3 are complete, and get your license renewed after X amount of years. 

"There are more good people, than bad people, look for the good ones." - Heavenly Father (per a priesthood blessing I received recently.)

Air Force: My Story

I've been thinking about my desire to serve the Air Force, and the day that desire/goal/ambition died. 

Pros and Cons:

• I may have been injured far worse than the way I was injured in 2007.
• I maybe never never came home (I thought I was invincible when I was ready to sign those papers).
• The trauma I have experienced may be as much as I could handle. 
• I wouldn't have found social work, I would have only pursued being a War Vet Psychologist.
• I wouldn't have found God the way I have.
• I have a great relationship with my family, and am happy that I am here with them, especially certain ones that not only I need but that really need(ed) me. 

When others talk about their passion to serve in the military I get teary eyed. It was my biggest goal in life to become a Para-rescue in the Air Force. Not only did I want to be a para-rescue, but I wanted to drive the planes as well. I wanted to be a pilot. I don't think many people understood or knew this part of my love with the military, particularly the Air Force. 

The big man upstairs has something far greater in mind for my life. As I say more and more anymore. "Help me to do thine will, not my will. I am a servant before you Lord." I have a relationship with my Father in Heaven, which is ten time stronger than the one with my physical father. I sometimes wonder if my Father in Heaven has done this on purpose; so that I do turn to Him, my spiritual father. Turn to him not only for the guidance, love, and support that I need, but for that which I deserve.

  

9/11

"Grammy, Grammy! Look those planes are crashing into those buildings." As my little brother pointed at the television screen, I thought to myself, "This is just some stupid new action movie, I could care less about." Then the news anchor said, "This is live in New York City, we are coming to you with more news in a moment." My grandma's face, coming into the big room, with some hot coffee she had just made herself was frightened. Which in turn made me know something wasn't right. I finished getting ready for school, as if nothing had just happened. As I walked to school I could see many peoples faces as they were driving either wet from their tears or distraught. While at school they turned on all the Televisions, which they never do, so I became more panicked. The time was never important to me as a child, but for some reason everything was slowed: the clock, the teacher, the principals, adults, cars, and even lawn mowers. I could hear the lawn mowers going at school, until they stopped, and it must have been two hours that had gone by. 

As I witnessed the one tower fall on the television my stomach went into my throat, a feeling I hadn't felt before. The the second tower fell, and all of a sudden my face was wet, soaked actually. I hadn't ever felt like this before, so to be able to explain it was not possible around 10-11 years of age. I think this may be the first connection I had with trauma. I could feel all those families sufferings, literally FEEL it. I may not have known it then, but I now know this is why I chose to be a social worker. Those events helped me feel raw emotions, I couldn't even explain. My empathy (not that I knew what that word meant), was hightened, and my soul was strengthened. 

9/11 was a horrific event, one that should never be re-enacted. This day I will carry all the victims, in our boarders, and out side our boarders, of 9/11 past, present, and future in my heart. It is definitely a day I will with all my power never forget.