That Smile

He makes me feel like Sunday morning rain. Like the wind in my hair while riding in a convertible. Like eating the first bite of your favorite candy bar. Like Springtime sun, after a long winter. Like the sand between your toes, on your favorite beach. Like you're whole. Like you're complete. Like you've found home, because home truly is where the heart is. He brings out the best in me, and I love him for that. He makes me feel amazing, and for that I will never be able to repay him. He believes he isn't good enough for me, but really it's the other way around. Like he says, "it's in the little things" and I can honestly say I've never heard anything more true. The way he holds me, kisses me, stares at me, those are the moments that I will forever cherish. He does something to my heart, no man has ever done before, and for that I am forever grateful. 

Smile - it's all only temporary,
Kasi :)

Barbie Skinny

As I grew up, I was told I was fat. Did I see it? No. As I grew up, I grew out of my fat phase, and into a beautiful young woman. My junior year I was in a terrible car accident, in a coma, in a vegetative state. I was told I would never walk, talk, or get the education I had fought so hard to get. First I was in a wheelchair, I then began to use crutches, then a walker, then I was full on walking. First I was using a feeding tube, then thickener, then whole food. I wasn't able to hit the gym for quite a while. I began "overly" not-taking-my-life-for-granted, eating whatever, whenever, however much I wanted.

I began to lose weight, for the wrong reasons. For society, for boyfriends, for friends, for "that" attention. This past year has been one of the hardest, it was the year I realized that I was fat. I could see it, for the first time. I could never see how fat I was, whether it was denial, I don't know. But, when I looked in the mirror I saw my 150 pound self, until this year. This year I saw the 300 pounds. This year I saw someone I knew I wasn't. But, I began having problems with my back. Most people probably think the back problems are because I'm fat, but really it's my SI joints, from my accident. Sure, the added weight isn't helpful, but it's not because I'm fat. 

So, here I sit, writing this blog. Putting it out for the world to see (the ten people that follow it.) I began being fit, I had lost 75 pounds, and looked great. I was reaching my fitness goals, then bam, life came down. But, I'm ready (and my doctors say I'm ready) to start again. I am going to be crawling to the door, to the car, to the gym, to the equipment at the gym, etc. for a  while. But, this time it is for me. Not for society, not for my family, not for boys, or anyone. I want to be fit. I will be fit. 

After seeing this image, and the description it makes me angry. Our society is fucked up. I can only hope that people really explain to their daughters (and sons) the importance of a balanced DIET, then they will never diet. Also, the importance of balanced exercise. I never want anyone to feel the ways I have felt over body image. It's damaging not only to ones physical health, but to ones mental health as well.  

If Barbie was an actual woman, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips and a size 3 shoe.

• Barbie calls this a “full figure” and likes her weight at 110 lbs.

• At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.

• If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

• Slumber Party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled “How to Lose Weight” with directions inside stating simply “Don’t eat.”

Goddamned

I had to learn how to tell others that I believed in God, and I was shunned by many. I now am learning how to tell others I don't believe in God, and I feel just as shunned. I'm actually receiving more love, and acceptance from those that are very religious, over those that aren't. Maybe there is a God, and if you look back to a previous blog (Ho! Ho! Ho!) you'll find out more of what my thoughts are on this subject. I'm sure there will also be more I write about in the future. I adore the following song, but more important the person performing. 

I'm marching to Zion, a camera in my hand.
I hear people cryin', dyin' for this blood-stained land.
The streets of old Jerusalem are lined with souvenirs and those buying them.
It sounds cold but I cannot see how this theme park has shaped history.

'Cause virgins don't have babies
And water, it isn't wine
And there's a holy spirit, maybe
But she would never rent a room with walls built by mankind.
Mary and Mohammed are screaming through the clouds
For you to lay your goddamned arms down
Rip your bigot roots up from the earth and salt the goddamned ground

Stand in line patiently to super-charge your rosary
Or stuff your prayers inside this wall.
We once had God trapped in this great hall
But we've been cast out from this place
They say a prophet floated from here to outer space.
Am I crazy?
Maybe it's me, but this all sounds like mythology.

'Cause virgins don't have babies
And water, it isn't wine
And there's a holy spirit, maybe
But she would never rent a room with walls built by mankind
Mary and Mohammed are screaming through the clouds
For you to lay your goddamned arms down
Rip your bigot roots up from the earth and salt the goddamned ground

Zeus was afraid of his girlfriend so he swallowed her in bed
And he bore forth Athena when they cracked open his head
Her brother tried to rape her, Athena got away
And when his seed hit the ground the grass gave birth that day
Now we all freely admit this story's clearly bullshit
No one will lay down their life or start a war for it
So throw your stones and pray
You'll be rewarded some day
I hope it all goes your way
But something tells me no one's coming to save you
No one's coming to save you 
No one's coming to save you
Save yourself 
From turning earth into hell

No one's coming to save you
No one's coming to save you
No one's coming to save you
No one's coming to save you

Mary and Mohammed are screaming through the clouds
For you to lay your goddamned arms down
Rip your bigot roots up from the earth and salt the goddamned ground.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Today is Christmas, yay! It's funny as how a kid you cannot sleep because the magic of Christmas is so beautiful. You eventually get to sleep, and before you know it you're aching to see what Santa Claus and his reindeer have brought you. You tip-toe out to the tree to see your new boom box with N'SYNC and Britney Spears' new CD, your new bike (even though it's winter), you hear a cell phone ringing (the one you begged your grandparents for). 

This morning, I'm up and there is a 50" LCD Flat Screen Television, and a Soda Stream out from Santa, neither of which are mine, but I know mine is somewhere. I know what it is, because my mom made sure it was what I wanted. My stocking is leaning on the television, and I want to rip it open, because stockings are my favorite, period. 

The meaning of Christmas is clear for most Christians. I am struggling with it, in the realm that I don't know if I believe in God, for that matter, Jesus Christ. I feel the cleansing power of the atonement. I have been blessed in extensive amounts. I have always said God blessed me, God loves me, God is with me. I didn't believe in God until I was 16 - and I don't want to loose the idea that God is real. But, Santa used to be real as well. As did the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. Most of my LDS friends tell me, it's the adversary, but I don't know that this is the case. You cannot go wrong following something that is positive and uplifting, but I also cannot live my life tip-toeing around. It's my agency, I get it, but I don't want to just live by faith anymore. I found a quote the other day that made so much sense, and left me able to breathe. 

Sleeping

Is it just me, or is the numbers of hours you have slept in four days supposed to total more than seven ... if that. This shooting has messed me up. My stupid tonsils, do not help. I'm ready to punch babies. So, you know : "hide yo wives, hide yo kids."

In turn, I get anxiety, because I have counseling tomorrow, and I don't want to sound like I'm a crazy person. I have a feeling my therapist is going to look at me like I'm a crazed freak.

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong." - Sarah Dessen

12/14/2012

Another Reason - I understand that this thought may be a little irrational, but the massacre that happened in Connecticut yesterday, reinforced my feelings. I have witnessed too many mothers, fathers, and families bury babies. I know that it will continue in my future as well. I feel ridiculous saying, "maybe when I'm older I will change my mind." Not only because I have lived on my own for 2.5 years, not only because I just graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work, but because I feel I have reached my maturity, and adulthood. I guess we as humans continue to grow all our lives.  

Mental Illness - We need to understand, even as the news has said, this man had a mental illness. Everyone is asking why? As they ask, I get frustrated, because I know why . . . he was very sick. NO, that does not give him the right by any means. I had hoped my Social Work Colleagues would get this, but a lot haven't. Maybe they're just angry, I have to give them the benefit of the doubt, if I'm giving a man in charge of a massacre the same respect. With that, it bugs me when people say, "He will go to hell", or "He should rot in hell." Uhm, I don't think this is properly stated. He was SICK, and I think God will forgive him, in fact if God is real, he will. At least the God I know will.  

Trauma - No, I am not directly affected by this, and no, I am not trying to move attention to me in any way shape or form. But, I cannot help but think every time I enter a movie theater, a shopping mall, my own University (which is over for about a year and half), even Wal-Mart (which I strongly dislike as it is), and the sort, that I will get shot, or witness a shooting. 

At work my anxiety is sky high, last night I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was someone coming to my client's home and shooting us all. Whenever I closed my eyes, that's what I saw. I did before the recent shooting, but told myself it wasn't rational, now I realize that is a lie. It could in fact happen. So, i am now afraid to sleep. I sound like a crazy person, but I can assure you I am not. 

   

Gun Control - I am neither pro-gun or anti-gun. This is just my thought process, add any comments, help me to form my opinion, if you so wish. I think that we need to uphold the Second Amendment. People should be able to purchase a gun, and bare arms, no doubt. Why take away rights of the people? Massacres don't just happen, shootings don't just happen. I should feel safe with guns, with the idea of guns, with gun shots, as I did whilst I was growing up. But, I am NO longer comfortable, as I'm sure many people don't. 

My idea, which is like a few others: people need to follow the same steps it takes to get a license, and to own a car. 

1. Learn about it, Gun Safety.

2. Get a License to use it.

3. Get gun owners Insurance, before you can purchase a gun.

4. Purchase a gun when steps 1-3 are complete, and get your license renewed after X amount of years. 

"There are more good people, than bad people, look for the good ones." - Heavenly Father (per a priesthood blessing I received recently.)

This isn't a good look for my heart

At therapy today my therapist decided that my homework this week would be to write three lists. Instead of comparing every man to him, the man I miss more than anything. The man that has made it hard for me to move on. The man that has made it hard to love anyone other than him. I have my three lists: my wants, my needs and my red flags.

I hate heartbreak. This song speaks for me . . . because I no longer have the words to express the way I feel at this point. 
No man is worth these tears, but why not just for one more night?

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"Now all your love is wasted, and who the hell was I? 'Cause now I'm braking at the britches; and at the end of all your lies."