Ho! Ho! Ho!

Today is Christmas, yay! It's funny as how a kid you cannot sleep because the magic of Christmas is so beautiful. You eventually get to sleep, and before you know it you're aching to see what Santa Claus and his reindeer have brought you. You tip-toe out to the tree to see your new boom box with N'SYNC and Britney Spears' new CD, your new bike (even though it's winter), you hear a cell phone ringing (the one you begged your grandparents for). 

This morning, I'm up and there is a 50" LCD Flat Screen Television, and a Soda Stream out from Santa, neither of which are mine, but I know mine is somewhere. I know what it is, because my mom made sure it was what I wanted. My stocking is leaning on the television, and I want to rip it open, because stockings are my favorite, period. 

The meaning of Christmas is clear for most Christians. I am struggling with it, in the realm that I don't know if I believe in God, for that matter, Jesus Christ. I feel the cleansing power of the atonement. I have been blessed in extensive amounts. I have always said God blessed me, God loves me, God is with me. I didn't believe in God until I was 16 - and I don't want to loose the idea that God is real. But, Santa used to be real as well. As did the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. Most of my LDS friends tell me, it's the adversary, but I don't know that this is the case. You cannot go wrong following something that is positive and uplifting, but I also cannot live my life tip-toeing around. It's my agency, I get it, but I don't want to just live by faith anymore. I found a quote the other day that made so much sense, and left me able to breathe. 

Sleeping

Is it just me, or is the numbers of hours you have slept in four days supposed to total more than seven ... if that. This shooting has messed me up. My stupid tonsils, do not help. I'm ready to punch babies. So, you know : "hide yo wives, hide yo kids."

In turn, I get anxiety, because I have counseling tomorrow, and I don't want to sound like I'm a crazy person. I have a feeling my therapist is going to look at me like I'm a crazed freak.

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong." - Sarah Dessen

12/14/2012

Another Reason - I understand that this thought may be a little irrational, but the massacre that happened in Connecticut yesterday, reinforced my feelings. I have witnessed too many mothers, fathers, and families bury babies. I know that it will continue in my future as well. I feel ridiculous saying, "maybe when I'm older I will change my mind." Not only because I have lived on my own for 2.5 years, not only because I just graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work, but because I feel I have reached my maturity, and adulthood. I guess we as humans continue to grow all our lives.  

Mental Illness - We need to understand, even as the news has said, this man had a mental illness. Everyone is asking why? As they ask, I get frustrated, because I know why . . . he was very sick. NO, that does not give him the right by any means. I had hoped my Social Work Colleagues would get this, but a lot haven't. Maybe they're just angry, I have to give them the benefit of the doubt, if I'm giving a man in charge of a massacre the same respect. With that, it bugs me when people say, "He will go to hell", or "He should rot in hell." Uhm, I don't think this is properly stated. He was SICK, and I think God will forgive him, in fact if God is real, he will. At least the God I know will.  

Trauma - No, I am not directly affected by this, and no, I am not trying to move attention to me in any way shape or form. But, I cannot help but think every time I enter a movie theater, a shopping mall, my own University (which is over for about a year and half), even Wal-Mart (which I strongly dislike as it is), and the sort, that I will get shot, or witness a shooting. 

At work my anxiety is sky high, last night I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was someone coming to my client's home and shooting us all. Whenever I closed my eyes, that's what I saw. I did before the recent shooting, but told myself it wasn't rational, now I realize that is a lie. It could in fact happen. So, i am now afraid to sleep. I sound like a crazy person, but I can assure you I am not. 

   

Gun Control - I am neither pro-gun or anti-gun. This is just my thought process, add any comments, help me to form my opinion, if you so wish. I think that we need to uphold the Second Amendment. People should be able to purchase a gun, and bare arms, no doubt. Why take away rights of the people? Massacres don't just happen, shootings don't just happen. I should feel safe with guns, with the idea of guns, with gun shots, as I did whilst I was growing up. But, I am NO longer comfortable, as I'm sure many people don't. 

My idea, which is like a few others: people need to follow the same steps it takes to get a license, and to own a car. 

1. Learn about it, Gun Safety.

2. Get a License to use it.

3. Get gun owners Insurance, before you can purchase a gun.

4. Purchase a gun when steps 1-3 are complete, and get your license renewed after X amount of years. 

"There are more good people, than bad people, look for the good ones." - Heavenly Father (per a priesthood blessing I received recently.)

This isn't a good look for my heart

At therapy today my therapist decided that my homework this week would be to write three lists. Instead of comparing every man to him, the man I miss more than anything. The man that has made it hard for me to move on. The man that has made it hard to love anyone other than him. I have my three lists: my wants, my needs and my red flags.

I hate heartbreak. This song speaks for me . . . because I no longer have the words to express the way I feel at this point. 
No man is worth these tears, but why not just for one more night?

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"Now all your love is wasted, and who the hell was I? 'Cause now I'm braking at the britches; and at the end of all your lies."

Colossians 3:20

It's crazy when you do some scripture study and find scriptures that speak so strong to your heart. It's always important to forgive, but sometimes it's near impossible. 

Last night as I was driving to the church for a blessing, I was talking with God. I was asking him for answers to some of my hearts inner secrets. Things only He knows. My thoughts continued racing as I walked into the church building. I was asked to step into the Bishop's office. I sat down. 

As the Bishop entered he said, "This seems serious." I quickly lied, and said, "No, just life." I smiled, but could already feel the spirit, which made me yearn for the tears to fall. I think we all know what having the urge to cry, but can't, feels like.  

As the blessing was given to me through a member of my ward things were coming at me, that I needed to hear. Not only for healing purposes for the here and now, but for the future. 

This morning, through scripture study, I was directed to this scripture. I am viewing it in two ways. I want to direct this to my father, though I don't want to talk poorly on him. I know my Heavenly Father wouldn't be pleased. But, he has hurt me in many ways, ways I thought I had forgiven and forgotten.

Now that he (my father) has "provoked [his] child(ren) to anger" I am "discouraged." The benefit is that God has replaced the things I need from a father figure in those men around me. My Heavenly Father, grand-father, my uncle, and what was revealed to me as my Bishop.

I'm still discouraged that my relationship will never be the same with my father, and that upsets me. No one can replace what a father is meant for. Nothing can even compare. A father's love and affection is different than the love of father figures in ones life. My father brought light to many things I struggled with, and he was someone I knew would give it to me straight, but lift me up and bring hope into any one situation.

One thing is true, everything happens for a reason, and I'm up for the challenge to walk by Faith and accept that which is presented before me.

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. - Colossians 3:20

Fear is a Prison

"She had stayed a virgin so she wouldn't be called a tramp or a slut; had married so she wouldn't be called an old maid; faked orgasms so she wouldn't be called frigid; had children so she wouldn't be called barren; had not been a feminist because she didn't want to be called queer and a man-hater; never nagged or raised her voice so she wouldn't be called a bitch… She had done all that and yet, still, this stranger had dragged her into the gutter with the names that men call women when they are angry."
~ Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

B: "I'm going to the mall for Black Friday."
U: "There is going to be lots of pussy there. They will be all done up and looking great. Except for the [nasty] ones that won't get ready at all and will be going to hit all the sales."
B: "Yeah!"
...FIVE MINUTES LATER
B: "Look at her, she's hot!" (While watching a football game.)
Me: "I don't appreciate that, and it makes me feel like I have to look like that to be hot, of which I never will." 
B: "Oh my gosh, calm down."
U: "Don't do that, Kasandra, not today. I don't want to hear it."

You know what I don't want to hear? You. I don't want to hear you open your mouth. I don't care to listen to such disrespect. This is what is wrong with our nation. We teach our children by example, and not always the best one. Want to know another thing is wrong with our nation? If a guy talked about me like that in front of my family members they would tell him to stop talking about me like that - yet they do it to every skinny, white, big boob, nice ass, great smile, sweet, sexy woman that come into their sight. I'm thoroughly disgusted. One thing is for sure, I no longer FEAR to stand up to people, especially my family. (Some say that I have no respect, though I say it's a human rights issue.) I no longer FEAR that my opinion isn't valid. Want to know why? Because, Fear is a prison, and I don't want to be in prison. 

Stand with LOVE

"If you have questions, ask. There are plenty of people that are more than willing to help you and be there for you." Tonight as I left the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, these words stuck with me. This was an amazing event. Not only was it humbling, but it brought out emotions I just don't know what to do with. I don't want to question my Faith, but I cannot help it.

I can assure you these emotions weren't what the event coordinators had planned, but I can also assure you that these emotions were real. I felt the spirit tonight stronger than I have in a long time. No, these individuals weren't all brought to justice, but I feel like I was able to be apart of something larger than my mortal state. 

I will take a stand. I will not fall silent, no matter how much one may think that I need to mind my own business. Humanity is my business. Loving everyone is my business. Standing up and sticking up for others is MY business. I stand with LOVE. Although, some individuals may have problems with this, I do not, and the Holy Ghost testified to me this evening that my convictions were true, and just.  


Morally there are no sidelines in a struggle between oppressors and the oppressed. All that oppressors ask from the rest of us is to mind our own business, so by attempting neutrality we implicitly side with the oppressors. If we are truly an interconnected web, then we cannot simply blame the actions of the powerful for the injustice in our society; injustice is also the result of countless inactions by those with a responsibility to our fellow human beings." - Tim DeChristopher