He made me realize ...

... and may have never known:

That real men do exist.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Forehead kisses will always be better than passionate kisses.
Respect is something that: if shown, (most) men will too.
I am beautiful.

No one will or can understand the love and affection I have for that man, ever. 

Making Life Ridiculously Amazing.

<3's:
Cardigan weather, because jackets just make me look like I'm trying to hide the fat.
Those days when your hair is just right for it to rain.
When your voice sounds just like the artists' voice on your iPod so you sing louder and prouder.
When someone says I love you before you say it to them.
When you see a rainbow and pray someone who deserves it finds the pot of gold.
When you wear anything new and feel like a million bucks!
Giving food you're eating or going to eat to a homeless person.
When you find that perfect song that you refuse to take off repeat, until a month later.
Letters :)
When you find yourself smiling at every stranger that passes you on the street.
The day when you let everyone merge, turn, and pass in front of you.
The day when people let you merge, turn, and pass in front of them.
Green lights when you're in a rush.
Red lights when you're not.
When you go to give a compliment, and someone gives you a compliment first.
When you realize you have the whole wide world in your hands.
When you started to sing, "He's got the whole wide world in his hands."
When you write so eloquently (in your mind) which makes you smile all day and night about it.
The moment when you finish homework and feel like you just saved the world.
The few seconds the stranger takes to help you with tons of bags and things from you car. (If you ever read this, that day you were my HERO!)
The moment when you realize you are all that you need.
When you see your very first shooting star. (12/9/2011)
When you're finally alright with silence.
When you see two elderly love birds. <3
When you swing on a swing set and feel like you could swing into the sky.
The moment you find God. (07/05/2007)

I just want to swing life away.

Being the happiest person in the world has gotten me no where, but defeated. I swear my life would be the number one watched TV sitcom sometimes.

I become optimistic, I see beauty in everything around me. I laugh at everything to get me through my complex days. I do good unto others. I see hope for my future. The birds. The flowers. Love.

But, today I just can't see this beauty. A person said, no you won't see it, you refuse to see it. I just flipped that person off in my head. I knew that person would never understand what was going on.

A person said, keep your head up, smile, enjoy life, take things as they come. You know what? That may work for you but today, this week, or even this month I just want to be sad.

Then I realized I was having conversations inside my head with myself.

Someone once said if everyone put their problems in the middle of a circle, we would each take our problems back happily. I can't wait until this disgusting part of my life is over with so that I can look back and say, "I agree."

I feel like an adolescent all over again juggling: family, school, heart-break, balance-of-emotions and zits. (please, please, please go away!)

A Lie

The most surreal moments of my life have been when I realize I've been lied to. It's never really close family and friends it's usually when I'm studying a particular topic and come to find out I was lied to my entire life.  

Everyone comes to find out things on their own will and good timing. So, it's not that I haven't been ready to figure these things out. Apparently at 20 I'm needing to know these things. Opening my eyes and mind to the world is a blessing and a talent the Lord has given me. A lot of people get talents that are tangible. But, I feel like my talents that he's given me aren't tangible. 

Our country is a 3rd world country. Take off your "western-lense" as my professors, colleagues and I alike call it. We have the same problems countries that are considered 3rd world do. We just think we as American's know what we're doing and that we don't need help. But, did you know we borrow money from other countries? The only thing different between us and most 3rd World Countries is that we have resources, but they're running scarce. I don't say this to worry anyone, myself included. But, when you know the facts you're more willing to FIGHT for change, to FIGHT for a difference, and to NEVER back down. 

Five years ago I was told my life was over. Looking back at those five years I know I'm meant to be here. I look back and wonder (mostly in my grey, dark, or cloudy moments) why I'm here. I feel as though I do nothing, but I'm a person being trained how to be my very BEST and do something for the better in the world.  Through all my occupational change decisions I'm in the very place I'm meant to be, and I couldn't be any happier. If I'm doing International Social Work, I know I would be the happiest person in the world. If I'm working with War Veterans/ doing current service member Social Work, I know I would be the happiest person in the world. If I'm working with the Prison System/Jail System, I know I would be the happiest person in the world. But, right now there is also no reason why I can't be the happiest person in the world. Because I know in the end no matter what I do, it will be with PEOPLE! I'm going to be the BEST me, I could possibly be.

untitled.

My decision:

Roll with the punches. Leave behind what and who doesn't matter. Smile and breathe.

I also offer that advice to anyone who is a little more than overwhelmed with LIFE lately.

I know the price it takes to be where you never thought you deserved to be.

To be the person you never thought you would become.

When you accomplished things the rest of the world said you shouldn't.

This is when honesty can take over the world. 

xo,
Kas

woe is me

once captured and you think your stuck in a place of which you cannot get out of the grasp of the darkness and loneliness which has never been experienced by your soul which hath no light whatsoever with intense amounts of disappointment and at best negative words of discouragement which are haste ridden given to me and from me i do not deserve hate i said i deserve love and i will steal back my happiness that was once there like a bulls eye on my heart he said you do not have any idea how to get back to that place that once was i repeatedly stated i deserve to be loved and soon i started to scream and i deserve to love in return with positive words that lift me up from out of the shadows of darkness and into the light i deserve beautiful melodies to sit atop and daydream aimlessly i deserve to be released from these shackles and tied to a cloud so i can be like that porcelain silhouette id always deserved to be    

Now, I am free.

Latest Letter to my love :)

Abraham,

               
"Never say that someone completes you. We have to feel whole even when we are by ourselves. For needing a certain someone is not love, but dependency. Wanting a person to become a part of your life is the best reason for having them there. So, rather than search for the someone who will complete you, wait for the person that will compliment your completeness."

          I found this quote and couldn’t agree more. As I’ve gone through life, my short life, I’m beyond content by myself. I know how to maneuver throughout the world. Physically as in living on my own, being independent, doing what needs to get done. Mentally as in being able to carry myself about, in the world with all the troubles that lie on my shoulders. I never for a minute have not wanted you by my side. What’s important and what I’ve learned with you away is that it’s not a dependent relationship and that is what makes me very happy.

          Every relationship, I’ve lived at home, and usually mentally I had been semi-dependent though the relationships were always co-dependent. That cannot work. My friend asked me why I know you are the one for me. I gave her the typical, “I love him. He makes me feel special. I don’t feel self-conscious. He makes me want to be better, everyday. Not to mention his values, morals and happiness.” But, now it’s more. Now it’s not just the way you are but the way I am. I am a part of why I love you. Honestly, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else. (Which can also go hand in hand with the original, “If you can’t love yourself no one else can love you” type quote.) Everyone is always worried about the other person loving them. You compliment me greatly, so I’ve been told. I’ve seen some but not as much as others, because all I was doing was “feeling”. Which is a great thing, but now I can see which is almost better.

          I’m going to be completely honest with you. When we first started to get to know each other (it feels like a blur at this point) I recall you mentioning something like I want whomever I’m dating to be the one, like you don’t want to waste time, etc. Well, I’ve been thinking if you were the one, if you could be the father of my children, if you could be my husband, etc. I’ve reached out to a few people, one lady said, "It’s different when you are married. It’s so different. She said especially with a person of color. You will get treated poorly." Which I told her I didn’t care. She said, "It will hurt your feelings. You will get so upset." She said, "Knowing you I would be afraid to cross you because of your education and where you’ve been and where you come from in this world." My feelings on this are, you are a strong African male. You know who you are. I am a strong American female and I know who I am. If this is the biggest worry I have I’ll take it. I’ll take all the discrimination in the world. Two beings who are strong in mind can handle most anything. Neither of us is narrow-minded, nor selfish, nor un-kind.

          I haven’t seen you with children, but with knowing where you’re from I’m sure you’re perfect with them. I’m done doubting anything. I think at this point it’s all up to you and what you want. Your happiness is just as important as mine. If I’m not it, that’s fine, because in the end if you’re not happy I won’t be happy.

                            Stay Strong. I miss and love you dearly,

                                              Kasi. xoxo

         

           

Poverty

Growing up middle class I never knew of this word. I never knew of it until I took Geography form Ms. Bradfield at Midvale Middle School in 9th grade. I wrote a paper on the "Poverty Cycle" and how it not only effects the current generation in poverty, but many generations in poverty to come. How it won't cease to end, without education, and without proper knowledge and guidance.

My brain then tends to diverge into why I was born here in America, and why I wasn't born in a third world country where poverty is predominant. I do not have an answer, I don't think I ever will.

My boyfriend, Abraham is from Ghana. He's only talked briefly about some experiences there. Most if not all have been good. He has never talked down on his Home Country. As I read this book by a woman from America that lived in Togo (a country in Africa) whom also has traveled to Ghana quite often. I start to see trends in his actions, ideas, and words with what she talks about.

They are loving people who would share their meal with you, even if they didn't have enough. She talks about how it's a very poor country, but you don't have to worry about pick-picketers much. She said Ghanaian people will do anything and everything for money. Seeing as how there are no jobs she always carries cedi notes with her and always tips at least two cedi's to people that help her even with the tiniest of things. Which is approx. $1.74 American, she said. Most are prideful and will not beg for money. Tourists which are pretty rare are where their money really comes to them. But, the y are too poor a country for many people to want to go there. I cannot wait for the rich culture and to just realize that there is much more to life when I go there. I can sit here at my computer and say it, and read about it, and imagine how great a place it is. But, I can't wait to experience it. The smiles, laughter, the happiness is what I crave. Ghanaian time, being late (by hours) because of traffic. Having a set schedule, but being alright with that schedule changing. Getting out of my American mind and throwing myself into something I've never experienced before.

Is it so disgusting that I crave to venture around the slave fortresses? I think this is where my white-guilt comes into play. I want to love them and apologize, though it wasn't my doing. This is a place that will almost be too strong for me to handle. I try reading up on it. I want to be prepared, but not many people write about it and when they do it isn't described much. They, the writers of books and articles on it say you must encounter it on your own. For this, I cannot wait.

In the end your wealth shouldn't define you. With that being said I think we need to go back to the "olden-days" which for some of you reading this aren't so olden. When credit wasn't on a plastic card. When love wasn't shown by money. When a hand-shake was what it took. I know I'll never get that in America. Good thing I've learned of a place where this is possible. Where everyone around you is on your side, and you don't have to constantly look over your shoulder. Ghana <3

Life is CRAZY!

My life has been so crazy lately. If it's not one thing it's another. The worst part in all the things going on my life is  this idea where I feel like I don't have many people I can turn to that will do anything and everything for me.

I am a woman and I know what I want. I am a nice woman. I am a sweet woman. I am an independent woman. I'm someone children love. I am someone strangers love. I'm someone who will forgive AND forget. I am an amazing best friend to those whom are my true and greatest friends. I have a lot of love and patience to offer to this beautiful world. For some reason I can't hold down a best friend, I've have about seven in my lifetime. I want a person that comes to your side in the middle of the night for even the silliest of things. Maybe in the end God will be the one. But for now, I'll be my own best friend. It's kind of nice not to rely on people, but when it comes down to it we're all social beings and we all need love.

Good thing for Stefanie. She's seriously one of the best people I've ever met in this world. <3