Colossians 3:20

It's crazy when you do some scripture study and find scriptures that speak so strong to your heart. It's always important to forgive, but sometimes it's near impossible. 

Last night as I was driving to the church for a blessing, I was talking with God. I was asking him for answers to some of my hearts inner secrets. Things only He knows. My thoughts continued racing as I walked into the church building. I was asked to step into the Bishop's office. I sat down. 

As the Bishop entered he said, "This seems serious." I quickly lied, and said, "No, just life." I smiled, but could already feel the spirit, which made me yearn for the tears to fall. I think we all know what having the urge to cry, but can't, feels like.  

As the blessing was given to me through a member of my ward things were coming at me, that I needed to hear. Not only for healing purposes for the here and now, but for the future. 

This morning, through scripture study, I was directed to this scripture. I am viewing it in two ways. I want to direct this to my father, though I don't want to talk poorly on him. I know my Heavenly Father wouldn't be pleased. But, he has hurt me in many ways, ways I thought I had forgiven and forgotten.

Now that he (my father) has "provoked [his] child(ren) to anger" I am "discouraged." The benefit is that God has replaced the things I need from a father figure in those men around me. My Heavenly Father, grand-father, my uncle, and what was revealed to me as my Bishop.

I'm still discouraged that my relationship will never be the same with my father, and that upsets me. No one can replace what a father is meant for. Nothing can even compare. A father's love and affection is different than the love of father figures in ones life. My father brought light to many things I struggled with, and he was someone I knew would give it to me straight, but lift me up and bring hope into any one situation.

One thing is true, everything happens for a reason, and I'm up for the challenge to walk by Faith and accept that which is presented before me.

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. - Colossians 3:20

Fear is a Prison

"She had stayed a virgin so she wouldn't be called a tramp or a slut; had married so she wouldn't be called an old maid; faked orgasms so she wouldn't be called frigid; had children so she wouldn't be called barren; had not been a feminist because she didn't want to be called queer and a man-hater; never nagged or raised her voice so she wouldn't be called a bitch… She had done all that and yet, still, this stranger had dragged her into the gutter with the names that men call women when they are angry."
~ Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

B: "I'm going to the mall for Black Friday."
U: "There is going to be lots of pussy there. They will be all done up and looking great. Except for the [nasty] ones that won't get ready at all and will be going to hit all the sales."
B: "Yeah!"
...FIVE MINUTES LATER
B: "Look at her, she's hot!" (While watching a football game.)
Me: "I don't appreciate that, and it makes me feel like I have to look like that to be hot, of which I never will." 
B: "Oh my gosh, calm down."
U: "Don't do that, Kasandra, not today. I don't want to hear it."

You know what I don't want to hear? You. I don't want to hear you open your mouth. I don't care to listen to such disrespect. This is what is wrong with our nation. We teach our children by example, and not always the best one. Want to know another thing is wrong with our nation? If a guy talked about me like that in front of my family members they would tell him to stop talking about me like that - yet they do it to every skinny, white, big boob, nice ass, great smile, sweet, sexy woman that come into their sight. I'm thoroughly disgusted. One thing is for sure, I no longer FEAR to stand up to people, especially my family. (Some say that I have no respect, though I say it's a human rights issue.) I no longer FEAR that my opinion isn't valid. Want to know why? Because, Fear is a prison, and I don't want to be in prison. 

Stand with LOVE

"If you have questions, ask. There are plenty of people that are more than willing to help you and be there for you." Tonight as I left the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, these words stuck with me. This was an amazing event. Not only was it humbling, but it brought out emotions I just don't know what to do with. I don't want to question my Faith, but I cannot help it.

I can assure you these emotions weren't what the event coordinators had planned, but I can also assure you that these emotions were real. I felt the spirit tonight stronger than I have in a long time. No, these individuals weren't all brought to justice, but I feel like I was able to be apart of something larger than my mortal state. 

I will take a stand. I will not fall silent, no matter how much one may think that I need to mind my own business. Humanity is my business. Loving everyone is my business. Standing up and sticking up for others is MY business. I stand with LOVE. Although, some individuals may have problems with this, I do not, and the Holy Ghost testified to me this evening that my convictions were true, and just.  


Morally there are no sidelines in a struggle between oppressors and the oppressed. All that oppressors ask from the rest of us is to mind our own business, so by attempting neutrality we implicitly side with the oppressors. If we are truly an interconnected web, then we cannot simply blame the actions of the powerful for the injustice in our society; injustice is also the result of countless inactions by those with a responsibility to our fellow human beings." - Tim DeChristopher

Matt Arego

TOP 5 Reasons Matt is AMAZING

5. He is an amazing athlete.

4. He has an awesome smile.

3.He gives courtesy laughs, even when things aren't funny. (Thanks for those!)

2. He is the nicest person to be around.

1. He is an amazing person, friend, and colleague.

How do I know Matt?

Matt and I go back a few semesters, or what people not in college call it, back a couple of years. I've had courses with him throughout my time at the University of Utah. He has not only been kind, funny, or pleasant, but also a great friend and colleague. He is smart, and always has something to add to the group or project, and also gives great feedback. He's nice and I haven't heard a Matt say a single negative thing about anyone or anything. He is amazing, and I will never forget Matt.

P.S.

Thanks for your help. Don't ever forget how incredible you are. 

P.S.S. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Matt :)

Carry On

Carry On by, Fun.

When life seems too difficult, carry on. An amazing song for those days when you feel like you cannot go any further. 

Carry on
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends 
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/fun/carry_on.html ]
But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Anniversary

Today I am not just thankful, but blessed.

The first responders, including my hero, Pat Killian. 

Life-Flight. 

The UofU trauma team. 

The UofU Emergency Room nurses, and doctors. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Alpeesh Patel. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Erik Kubiak. 

My opthamologist Boopie Patel.

The UofU SICU floor. 

The UofU ICU floor. 

The IMC Rehabilitation floor. 

ALL of the nurses, doctors, and therapists that got me going again especially, Kristin my CNA. 

My Physical Therapists.

My Speech Therapists.

My mom.

My father.

My brother.

My family - even distant cousins who gave me healing blessings.

My friends.

My church leaders who not only made my blanket, but also who prayed and visited me in the hospital.

My classmates both at Itineris, and at Hillcrest.

My teachers both at Itineris, and Mr. Bentley at Hillcrest. 

My mentors - Ms. Bradfield, Ms. Putnam, Ms. Ward.

Members of my LDS faith who put my name in the Temple.

Members of my LDS faith who prayed for me.

Jesus Christ.

Heavenly Father.

I will never be the same. I will never feel normal, but what is normal? As I have been going through Therapy I have learned a lot. My anxiety has shortened. Letting others drive has heightened. But, when I talk about it, I still cry. I don't know if that will change. I do know that I think about it less. I worry about it less. I am beyond blessed for this. The trauma comes back to haunt me at the most inopportune times, but when it happens I am thankful to be able to remember all of the above individuals. I am reminded that you cannot go through life alone. I am reminded that even though it doesn't feel like others care, they do. Others care about you, more than you know. I am reminded to LOVE life. I truly know how to live. I will live. I will have the courage and strength to carry on, even though some days it feels impossible. 

What I carry away from this accident is the fact that everyone has a story. People have so much perseverance. I had to have the will to LIVE. My FAITH had to be strengthened. I had to become humble. I am here for a reason, a reason much larger than any selfish thing I can think of. I have a purpose - a true purpose - that only I can fulfill. 

Smile, it's only temporary. 

My Soul

Today has been such a great day for my soul. I went to Smith's (Yes, I kept Sunday holy, all day! My biggest accomplishment in a long time.) to get groceries for the week. - After a work out at the gym this morning, I came to the realization that I cannot workout half as much as I would like so I have to perfect my eating. I bought a million fruits and veggies, skipping the inner isles and the bakery all together. - My ward is making sack lunches/dinners for the homeless this evening so I needed to pick up a couple things for that as well. 

As I walked into the grocery store I grabbed a cart, and used one of those sanitizer wipes for not only the shopping cart, but for my hands as well. Luckily I brought along some hand sanitizer in with me, because my cough WOULDN'T stop. This older man and lady witnessed that I was coughing like crazy, and I felt kind of a glare. I pulled out my hand sanitizer right in front of her and used it. The older man, with his WWII hat on, thanked me for her. He told me his wife was deaf and that she could tell I was having a difficult time. I said that I was fine and thanked the lady for her concern. (YAY! my American Sign Language was put to good use.) I then thanked him for his service, and explained that I was a Social Worker (in about a month). He was pleased, and said he could tell I will do good work. How he can tell is beyond me, seeing as how all he saw was me coughing and using hand santizer. I think elderly people have a 3rd eye for good hearted people. They then signed and I picked up about 2% of it and then I watched them walk away. I then came walking out of the store and he quickly, bless his heart, came over and told me to get in my car and he would put my groceries in the back. I protested, and he said, "I get it, you're an independent young woman. You've gotten somewhere in life at your young age. But, guess who helped you with that? I did, I fought for this country, I fought for you. I fought for you, a girl who wants to make the world a better place. You're sick, let me help you." Well, pretty close to that. I started to tear up, and he thanked me for letting him help me. I thanked him again, and he said, "No, thank you, for being such a pleasant young woman. I'm sure your family is proud, but please know you make people proud that don't even know you. Have a great day." 

My heart is so full. My soul is so elated. I will never forget this couple. God Bless America, better yet, God Bless the World :) 

"November, the month where everyone is so THANKFUL for their lives, and in every aspect. But, I get to be THANKFUL everyday I open my eyes because [Pat Killian] you helped me, and didn't have to. [Pat Killian] You are my hero - I can only hope I can be half of the hero you are in my Social Work journey."  

Above is what I wrote in the card below to my hero, Pat Killian. The man that I will never forget. Almost five years later, and look where I am at. This isn't where I thought, nor any professional that helped me thought, I would be. Even though it has been a long journey, and continues to be a daily struggle, I am thankful that I have turned out the way I have turned out. I'm even more thankful for the fact that I am alive, and will only continue to progress. I only have one person to thank today for that, and it is Mr. Pat Killian.   

My Practicum/Social Work

People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did. 

But, people will never forget how you made them feel.

Out of all the things in the world one could be, I chose to become a Social Worker. As I am doing my practicum, I am learning more than I thought possible. My heart is definitely in the right place. I'm beyond thankful for finding my  niche. 

The past couple weeks I have learned more about myself than I thought possible. I  love  me, and I  love  people, and I  love  (young) women. Today in one of the forums at one of the schools in the state I had a hunch that one of the participants is struggling with an eating disorder. I thanked my God for reminding me daily how beautiful I am, and that I don't need to harm myself. A couple days ago another participant said she thought she was ugly, she's very young and it about broke my heart. I know I have a lot to offer, but I know the world has ten fold to offer me. I'm  thankful  for my love of Social Work, and for Social Work loving me back.  

Social Work

My true love: Social Work

Though yesterday it was football, today it has changed to Social Work. I still love football, with a lot of passion, but social work is where I can truly love with all that I have inside of my soul. 

Today we had a couple of speakers working with a couple of different populations. One being the Trans(exual/gender) community. The other being the Refugee community. I felt my heart begin to soften, my eyes begin to fill, and this uncontrollable feeling to cry. I said to myself, "YOU can be the change. YOU will be the change." 

I then decided I was going to take part in a couple events in the near future. TDR(Trans Day of Remembrance), as well as go to a lecture event to listen to some other current hot topics in the Trans(exual/gender) community.  

Some of you know about my mindset, my struggle, and my growth under the umbrella of LGBTQ community. I wrote a paper on this in my Social Work writing course,  and though it helped, I  still struggle. 

So, on November 20th I am attending TDR at 6:30 PM and I can only hope that my friends will also take part in this event with me. 

Also, I am going to take a tour of the Hartland Center, and become a volunteer. My want to go to Africa has heightened - and I feel this will be the best way to see if I am up for the challenge to go and work with the people. I believe if anything, it will sway my decisions to go 10 times stronger. I love the African people, and cannot wait to embark on my journey to discovery.   

One Love.