Promise to Humanity

When I was a young child, I thought I wanted to be a Veterinarian and go to UC Davis in California.

When I was an adolescent, I thought I wanted to be The President of the United States of America.

When I was a teenager, I thought I wanted to be a Pilot in the Air Force, a War Veteran Psychologist, then a Nurse.

When I was a young adult, I thought I wanted to be an English Teacher.

Now that I am a twenty-something, I am a Social Worker. I am what I never knew about as a child. Now that I am getting prepared to go to graduate school in order to find a 'realistic' career, I am nervous. One thing is for sure however, I am meant to be a Social Worker. I actually cannot see myself being anything but a Social Worker. I had an interview regarding my practicum placement (internship.) When I sat down with Elizabeth she asked me if I wanted to do clinical social work, I blurted out 'NO' so quick, that I think I may have startled her. She looked at me, nodded, and said, 'Alright, well what is your plan?' I let her know that macro (community based) Social Work would fit me best. She nodded in approval, and said, 'That fits your concentration perfectly.' As our conversation continued she said, you may have to do some one-on-one, however. I nodded in approval, and claimed that I understood. I'm just such a baby when it comes to having to do things for my first time. I don't want to do one-on-one. I'm not ready, I'm not trained. I was thinking all of this while she continued to talk to me about different placements. Luckily, I know that I AM ready. I know that I WILL be trained. I know that I can handle whatever Social Work throws at me, because this is what I am meant to do. It's not all that often when I am so sure about something that I feel it deep in my soul.

This month is Social Work month, and with that I felt I wanted to come out to the world with my promise to humanity:

I promise to always do my best. I promise to always put others before myself in such a way that doesn't cause harm to either party. I promise to never place judgment upon a person based off of my own opinions, and experiences. I promise to love each person that I come in contact with, and to make sure they feel loved before leaving my presence. I promise to bring happiness with my aura, and I promise to be that light for others. I promise to continue my journey, because so many others aren't able to. I promise to never give up on anyone, ever. I promise to believe in life, love, and each personal pursuit of happiness. I promise to love with all my heart, body, mind, and soul.

LOVE IS THE ONLY WAY. 

Asheleigh Ramirez

You have friends in your life that are put in your life for a reason. Today, Asheleigh Ramirez is the one that I am thankful for. This girl has been by my side, even when we were too young to realize what friends really were. I remember her being told by another person in our friend circle that I kissed her boyfriend, Victor. This started the feud we had between each other. I wouldn't ever kiss a boy that I knew a friend liked. I was too shy for that anyways. Through the years we laughed, cried, hated, and loved with and toward each other. Her home felt like my home, and I was envious when other friends of ours got her attention more than me. I fought for her time, for her friendship, and I would do it all again if I had to. Asheleigh is the reason I like Usher and B2K. I cannot listen to either of their music and not think of her. I was in Asheleigh's Quienceanera, which was an amazing celebration of such a beautiful woman. Now, we get together every so often and have girl's nights/days and it is amazing. I can go to her for her honest opinion, and I know that I will get it. I know that she only has my best interest in mind, and that she loves me whether I accept her advice, or not. My love for her isn't your average love for a friend. She is my sister, my other half, and quite possibly my soul mate. Soul mate to some is a romantic partner, but I am taking it further than that. Asheleigh knows me inside and out, she loves me for me. The best part is her child. When she told me she was pregnant I was stunned, to be honest. Now that he is here, and now that he is part of my life, I love him like I do my own baby cousins. He is just as much family as Asheleigh is. I am a blessed woman to have these two incredible people in my life.    I love you, girl. 

P.S. 

I promise to never forget how to spell your name, ever. 

07/22/1997 ~ 11/02/2013

My sweet baby brother passed away on November 2nd, 2013 at 3:20 am. He was the light of my life. Luckily, on November 1st, 2013 before I left his home I was able to read a sweet letter from a family friend. This letter had a lot to do with the after life. Jt told me he was no longer scared. That even though he was going into the unknown, for him, he knew it would be beautiful. I wanted to stay, something was pulling me to stay, but I left around 8:30. I was a fortunate person to be able to sit and hold his hand. I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, and how proud I was of him. I told him he was the strongest person that I knew, and he thanked me, so humbly. Jt was very emotional with me that evening, which surprised me. Usually he tells everyone to be strong, but as he choked back the tears, he told me he loved me. He asked me to hold his hand, and we cried. I was able to have the last deep conversation with my brother, and I will always be thankful for that. 

As the viewing ensued, emotions were raised, and many a tear fell. Jt was loved by EVERYONE that he met. How amazing is that? Many talked, including grandma, mom, aunt Nonie, Jessie, Trevor, Noah, many friends from school and myself. My sweet students from Hillcrest drew/wrote me cards. I broke, and that was okay. I needed some sort of sign that I needed to get back to Hillcrest. Dres Anderson, and Reggie Dunn came to his viewing as well. When they walked through the door I broke down so hard, because I knew it was what Jt would have wanted. I was separating Dres and Reggie from football, and seeing them in their true light. I rushed up to Dres, and he stepped back quickly. I hugged him, and didn't want to let go. I was SO happy he was there for Jt. Jt was wearing a number 6 jersey, which is Dres' jersey number. He felt honored. 

Tonight was Jt's Remembrance - at Hillcrest. There was a lot of food, including dessert. My brother Chris was there, and that was really nice. It was like a breath of fresh air. He also came with my new friend Annika. My friend Alexis came with her mom, and her baby. Matt and Stacey performed Who You'd be Today - by Kenny Chesney. Which was amazing. After which my mom spoke a little bit, and then my grandma, Rickie, cousin Danny, aunt Mare, Ryan, myself, and a few of his friends spoke. After we let the balloons go for Jt in Heaven his friends Nate Orchard, and Jeremiah Tofaeono (J.T.) stopped by and watched the picture video that Rickie had put together. They hugged my mother and I, and once again I found myself separating the football aspect, and fell in love with their kindness. They are true gentlemen, and were so needed in the moment that they were there. Jt will definitely bless them for their good works.  

My mom talked about how Jt's everyday hat was not in the stuff we had packed, but yet was in my car ready to be placed out to show. Which is proof he is here with us still. Then, many of his friends talked about how Jt probably saved lives by being so loving and kind toward everyone. Also, one of his girl friend's said that one of her girl friend's wanted to ask Jt to a dance, but that she was scared of rejection. Little did she know that Jt was scared of rejection as well. 

I can honestly say that I have learned a lot on how to be a better person by knowing Jt. As his sister I never saw these sides of Jt, because well, I'm his sister. But, hearing of these stories makes me love him ten times more than I did before, and I loved him a lot! Jt was an amazing human being. To be so perfect, that Heavenly Father wants him back early, is amazing.

Bro, I cannot wait to see you again. Please get paradise ready, and make it to where the Utes win every game. Only if you have some extra time! Watch over those of us who need you most. I love you, and you're always welcome in my pad. Lord knows you never came to hang out when you were with us. Please make your presence clear, that would be legit AF. 

God knows how I miss you. All the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place. ~ You're always in my heart, never forgotten. Rest in Paradise 

Balloon Bouquet 

The set up at Jt's Remembrance.

Letting the balloons free, to fly to Heaven. 

All of our sweet notes for Jt in Heaven. 

Balloons sure do know how to put a smile on my face. 

Do what makes your soul shine.

Thanks for the insight. Keep it coming. Love you, times infinity. XOXO

~ Sissy

Humility

Today I added someone on Facebook whom has Cancer, then it reminded me of my friend who was just diagnosed with cancer. My mother who nearly had cancer. My grandpa who has had cancer, and goes to get chunks taken out of his skin when it comes back. My step-grandpa who I lost to cancer. All my other friends and family with cancer, and that that have friends and family with cancer. It smacked me in the face, and left me with streams of tears flowing from my eyes. My problems, though they are unfortunate, are far from the multitude that they could be. This week has been a week from hell, full of bad luck. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so many people to love me. I have so many people to love. I am one of the lucky ones. For those going through cancer, themselves, or with family or friends, my thoughts are with you. I pray that every person touched with cancer, may get good news soon. Love. Live. Laugh.

Smile, it's all only temporary. :)

Anniversary

Today I am not just thankful, but blessed.

The first responders, including my hero, Pat Killian. 

Life-Flight. 

The UofU trauma team. 

The UofU Emergency Room nurses, and doctors. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Alpeesh Patel. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Erik Kubiak. 

My opthamologist Boopie Patel.

The UofU SICU floor. 

The UofU ICU floor. 

The IMC Rehabilitation floor. 

ALL of the nurses, doctors, and therapists that got me going again especially, Kristin my CNA. 

My Physical Therapists.

My Speech Therapists.

My mom.

My father.

My brother.

My family - even distant cousins who gave me healing blessings.

My friends.

My church leaders who not only made my blanket, but also who prayed and visited me in the hospital.

My classmates both at Itineris, and at Hillcrest.

My teachers both at Itineris, and Mr. Bentley at Hillcrest. 

My mentors - Ms. Bradfield, Ms. Putnam, Ms. Ward.

Members of my LDS faith who put my name in the Temple.

Members of my LDS faith who prayed for me.

Jesus Christ.

Heavenly Father.

I will never be the same. I will never feel normal, but what is normal? As I have been going through Therapy I have learned a lot. My anxiety has shortened. Letting others drive has heightened. But, when I talk about it, I still cry. I don't know if that will change. I do know that I think about it less. I worry about it less. I am beyond blessed for this. The trauma comes back to haunt me at the most inopportune times, but when it happens I am thankful to be able to remember all of the above individuals. I am reminded that you cannot go through life alone. I am reminded that even though it doesn't feel like others care, they do. Others care about you, more than you know. I am reminded to LOVE life. I truly know how to live. I will live. I will have the courage and strength to carry on, even though some days it feels impossible. 

What I carry away from this accident is the fact that everyone has a story. People have so much perseverance. I had to have the will to LIVE. My FAITH had to be strengthened. I had to become humble. I am here for a reason, a reason much larger than any selfish thing I can think of. I have a purpose - a true purpose - that only I can fulfill. 

Smile, it's only temporary. 

"November, the month where everyone is so THANKFUL for their lives, and in every aspect. But, I get to be THANKFUL everyday I open my eyes because [Pat Killian] you helped me, and didn't have to. [Pat Killian] You are my hero - I can only hope I can be half of the hero you are in my Social Work journey."  

Above is what I wrote in the card below to my hero, Pat Killian. The man that I will never forget. Almost five years later, and look where I am at. This isn't where I thought, nor any professional that helped me thought, I would be. Even though it has been a long journey, and continues to be a daily struggle, I am thankful that I have turned out the way I have turned out. I'm even more thankful for the fact that I am alive, and will only continue to progress. I only have one person to thank today for that, and it is Mr. Pat Killian.   

My Practicum/Social Work

People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did. 

But, people will never forget how you made them feel.

Out of all the things in the world one could be, I chose to become a Social Worker. As I am doing my practicum, I am learning more than I thought possible. My heart is definitely in the right place. I'm beyond thankful for finding my  niche. 

The past couple weeks I have learned more about myself than I thought possible. I  love  me, and I  love  people, and I  love  (young) women. Today in one of the forums at one of the schools in the state I had a hunch that one of the participants is struggling with an eating disorder. I thanked my God for reminding me daily how beautiful I am, and that I don't need to harm myself. A couple days ago another participant said she thought she was ugly, she's very young and it about broke my heart. I know I have a lot to offer, but I know the world has ten fold to offer me. I'm  thankful  for my love of Social Work, and for Social Work loving me back.  

Twisted Thinking - Therapy Session #4

Today in Therapy my counselor suggested that I have Twisted Thinking/Distorted Thinking especially in the aspect of Jumping to Conclusions in the realm of Fortune Telling and Mind-reading.

I hate change, as most people do - but I REALLY hate change. Here soon I will be doing a lot of changes, and my counselor thinks I'm ready . . . so here I go face first into a dive. Which is another thing we talked about.

My anxiety is now in the realm of "normal" anxiety, whoever calls it normal is CRAZY. This is not normal. I feel totally out of control when my anxiety hits. BUT, I am learning to deal with it in a positive manner. I'm so excited to be a grown up, dealing with my feelings like a "normal person", again who's to say who is normal? As I go onward and upward I have a lot of people to thank, especially the big guy upstairs :)

Smile, it's all only temporary!

Realization(.)Two

REALIZATION POINT TWO

Acoustic music is vulnerable. It speaks the words I have in my heart, but have yet to cross my mind.  Acoustic that can make my arm hairs stand at attention, can make me have a lump in my throat, and can make me feel alive. If a genre of music can do that to you, well you've found your bliss. It almost feels as good as falling in love for the first time of your life. It's like heaven on earth. It is something you can fall back on. As you fall back, you know it will catch and understand you, and do everything in it's power not to drop you.  When you, yourself, are too mixed up; it can bring you back down to reality and leave you with a glimmer of  hope in your spirit. It will help you to regain your strength, and understand your power as a human.

My compilation - which will continue to grow and inspire anyone having to make difficult decisions in life, and about life. Don't be afraid, just let the music soothe you and take you away. (These aren't in order of my favorites by any means, I cannot number music that fills my heart from top to bottom.)

Speak For Me by John Mayer

"Ain't the cover of a rolling stone. And the music on my radio ain't supposed to make me feel alone. What a drag to know, I have to learn to let it go. Show me something I can be. Play a song that I can sing. Make me feel as I am free, someone come speak for me."

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Come on skinny love, just last the year ... and I told you to be patient. And I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced. and I told you to be kind. And if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?"

Breathe Me by Sia

"Help I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, and needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again ... yeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again, and I feel I'm safe."

To Be Cont.

What Does It Come Down To?

It comes down to loving every human being in this big wonderful, amazing, world we live within. It comes down to enjoying life, even with all the bumps in the road. See, I've learned how to be happy, even in my darkest days, and that is important. I am my own happiness . . . there is no way I can make anyone else happy if I myself, am not happy.

Some things that make me happy:

Jones Cream Soda

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Prayer

Scriptures

Volunteering

Football, Particularly 3rd Quarter

Massages

Mani/Pedi's

My Internship

Young Children Telling Me I'm Pretty

Silence

Laughter

Love

Inner Peace

Chai Tea <3

When My Clients Say Silly and/or Lovely Things

Social Work

Women

Young Women

President Obama

Liberals

Progress

Humanity

Humanism

Jesus Christ

Humble People

Loving People

Non-Judgemental People

Tattoos

Clouds

Picnics

Ducks/Feeding Ducks

The Idea Of Sky Diving

Nail Polish

Strawberry Ice Cream

Frozen Yogurt

Sushi

Vegas Rolls

Puppies

Kittens

Gorillas/Monkies

Ghana

Ghanians

Culture

Different World Views

Rings

Theme Parks

The Zoo

Disc Golf

Exercise - LOVE Endorphins

Family & Friends

Getting notes like this my coffee cups:

Acoustic Music

Driving & Feeling Calm

Finding A Song & Putting It On Repeat For Days

Kissing Someone With Passion

Getting Kissed With Passion

Finding A Song That You Relate to. 

Friends That Answer The Phone at Two AM <3

Smiling At EVERY Stranger You Pass

Getting Smiled At First By A Stranger

. . . to name a few.

Defense Mechanism

Mine: Laughter

Want to know all the different kinds, click here.

Yesterday in counseling we talked about defense mechanisms and how mine is laughter. The best part about that is that it is a very healthy defense mechanism. She definitely wants me to work on it, but for now she says continue doing what I'm doing because of other homework she finds more important. She asked me to make a conscious effort to recognize when I am doing it however. It's amazing to see and to reflect my life with a counselor. At first, counseling didn't seem like a great idea. After the intake, I figured I could handle things on my own still. And that the counselor couldn't tell me anything I couldn't already tell myself. I was beyond wrong, and I would recommend counseling to almost anyone.

My homework was to look at my life very objectively, to ensure I am fulfilling baby steps and not overdoing anything. I would say the puzzle is about 35% of the way put together, after 2 sessions. What a great feeling, and I am accepting that as a great accomplishment, even though this is very untypical of me. I am growing up, accepting my emotions, and not allowing them to define me and my actions. 

Life is beautiful :)

Hakuna Matata

My life long philosophy.

~ Smile, it's all only temporary :)

Simply, a mustard seed will be enough.

I hope this happens soon.

They say the Lord will not give you more than you can handle . . . I'm beginning to wonder how much I can handle. It is beautiful, but so frustrating at the same time. Life is crazy, like a Roller Coaster, but this is the one that I don't like.

The perfect depiction of my life right now. 

The person I define as my hero at the moment is Anne Frank. A beautiful woman to look up to in my opinion. She had a tough life when WWII began, and still through all in which she saw and heard she was still an optimistic person. So, for now I will keep this quote with me to help me with perspective. 

To The Sky

TO THE SKY

this is for the girl who just got in another fight with her parents
another night just staring at the ceiling
feeling like there's no one that really cares if she's there or not
she's got friends and enemies, trends and envy, gets compared a lot
for the girl under pressure
her boyfriend will think less if
she doesn't sext him the message
about to give it all up
man these boys and man these poisons
so many choices & voices - why is it on us?
for any girl that ever thought she didn't fit in
or was mocked for religion, or ever thought to stop living
for the girl so rich that she'd sport nothing short of a Benz
for the girl so poor she couldn't afford the rims
for the girl by the candlelight
trying to hold the camera right
gotta get the angle right
this facebook candid has gotta be off the handle right?
things would be grand if like she only had the life
this is for the jealous
for the wannabe Bellas, Britneys, Kardashians
Kate Middletons, Beyonces
soul surfers and soul searchers
wondering about the whole purpose of this so-called life
what's my sole purpose? nothing ever goes right
for the girl reading the script on the elliptical at LA Fitness til they close
for the girl buying clothes like they're going out of style
for the girl running alone
for the girl coming home that hasn't been home in a while

lift your head
lift your eyes to the sky
it spells your name
lift your feet
your heart, and start to believe
you're meant to dream big dreams

for every awkward stance at every awkward dance
every awkward glance longing for him to approach her
but he just walks past with friends, put the cap on the lens
the last song ends and the last door closes
for any girl hoping for roses but getting dirt
hoping to be noticed or hoping to get over getting hurt
this is for the unspoken, for the ones broken
just trying to hold on to hope when things are only getting worse
for the girl going through a divorce
the wife or the daughter, for the girl with no father
no prospects and no options
for the locker room girl, for the thoughtful girl
for every been through a lot girl (I see you)
for the single mom pushing the stroller uphill
both ways she knows pain she holds face but still
she's fighting back tears, been a mighty bad year
dreams as a child never looked quite like what I have here
for the girl with regrets, neglecting self-respect
for the girl giving everything until she's got nothing left
for the girl reminiscing on what could have been
for the girl settling cuz there's not enough good men
for the girl with the perfect life
husband and kids, everything working right
for the girl that's wondering if that stuff exists
this is for the lonely
for the girl searching for something
and wondering what that something is

I'm only a man I can only imagine what you go through
just want you to understand this image - there's no limit to the finish that you can go to
what if I told you that you hold the torch?
you're the source, you're the lantern
to hold men to a higher standard
you hold the power
in this stampede through the orchard you're the hope for the flowers
you're the sunshine you're the rain
you make everything more beautiful
without you music wouldn't be musical
poems wouldn't be poetic
you set the tone
you possess strength you've never known, forever glowing
like a precious stone in the evening, the best achievement of eden
when I say you're never alone - I really mean it
when you're dreaming keep believing it'll be true
keep the persistence, conviction, and the vision to see it through
keep improving on yourself, know that every time you
are wishing you were someone else, someone's wishing to be you
so take control and own it
one day he's gonna ask you to dance
and when he does he'll be worthy of the moment
time frozen like a broken iphone and
on some Jill Scott notion living life like it's golden
you are amazing
i wish i could put a mirror in the sky so you can see you when you're star gazing
shining your divine nature, you're fine aint you?
in his greatest landscapes Monet couldn't paint you
I admire your radiance, hope you never hold it back when
they come to attack it
I guess the plan is to damage the perfect workmanship
your body is a temple
they attempt to burn it down so there's nothing left to worship in
these words inadequate to say nothing exceeds you
I'm sorry it's way long, that's how much time that I needed to
explain why I believe in you, I hope that you proceed to
stay strong and be you
please, we need you

http://www.qwiet.com/lyrics/#/_music/MOR/lyrics/ToTheSky

No Title.

I honestly didn't think/know I had a breaking point. 

The moment you break or snap; at that solid moment you know exactly what you are doing, you know exactly what you are feeling, and you know there will be some sort of repercussion. BUT, at that point your body and mind take control over you. You cannot stop whatever action it is that you are doing.

The worst part is that you never snap, or break at the people you need to break or snap at either. It is the latest person that said something, that yesterday, you would have laughed about.

Your blood pressure rises, and you are full of rage and anger. You want to cry, but cannot. You want to scream, but cannot. And when you are a passive-aggressive person it is even harder, because people ask you why you did what you did and it angers enrages you 10x more. Though, you have no strength to speak the truth, to cry, or to have any emotion. You say "because I wanted to", because any other reason sounds ridiculous. Even though all those ridiculous reasons are the reasons why.

It takes you 20 minutes to calm your breathing, get your mind in the right place, to regain strength, so that like-an-ass you can apologize for reasons unknown to you. You don't know why you did it, and you don't know why you're sorry, because for a brief moment you weren't yourself by any means.



Being in the worst physical pain of your life, and not knowing what that truly means.
A guy who told me so many things, and promised so many things, didn't have ANYTHING to say to me when given the chance.
Feeling as though no one is on your side, ever.
Not knowing your future.
Not feeling like yourself.
Yet, being a strong woman, attempting to handle it all yourself.
Oh yeah, and the lack/loss of endorphin's which were your only best friend for the past 3 years. The only thing that made me happy, without some form of man made chemical doing it for me.