For My Birthday

My best friend won't be here this year.
Eyes cannot dry out.
Soul cannot be still.
Heart cannot be mended.
Memories cannot be fulfilled.
Sleep cannot cover the pain.
Words cannot calm.
Dreams cannot make up.
My best friend won't be here this year.

My wish is that you could be here physically, but I know that cannot happen. So, until I see you again please continue to be my strength. 

I love you, forever and foralways. 

One heart, Two souls.

Asheleigh Ramirez

You have friends in your life that are put in your life for a reason. Today, Asheleigh Ramirez is the one that I am thankful for. This girl has been by my side, even when we were too young to realize what friends really were. I remember her being told by another person in our friend circle that I kissed her boyfriend, Victor. This started the feud we had between each other. I wouldn't ever kiss a boy that I knew a friend liked. I was too shy for that anyways. Through the years we laughed, cried, hated, and loved with and toward each other. Her home felt like my home, and I was envious when other friends of ours got her attention more than me. I fought for her time, for her friendship, and I would do it all again if I had to. Asheleigh is the reason I like Usher and B2K. I cannot listen to either of their music and not think of her. I was in Asheleigh's Quienceanera, which was an amazing celebration of such a beautiful woman. Now, we get together every so often and have girl's nights/days and it is amazing. I can go to her for her honest opinion, and I know that I will get it. I know that she only has my best interest in mind, and that she loves me whether I accept her advice, or not. My love for her isn't your average love for a friend. She is my sister, my other half, and quite possibly my soul mate. Soul mate to some is a romantic partner, but I am taking it further than that. Asheleigh knows me inside and out, she loves me for me. The best part is her child. When she told me she was pregnant I was stunned, to be honest. Now that he is here, and now that he is part of my life, I love him like I do my own baby cousins. He is just as much family as Asheleigh is. I am a blessed woman to have these two incredible people in my life.    I love you, girl. 

P.S. 

I promise to never forget how to spell your name, ever. 

Love

The idea that one person can love another person, cheat on that person with another person, love that person, cheat on that person with another person, and then love that person is something I will never understand. 

Look I get it, I don't know all the ins and outs. I don't know the details of each relationship. Just tell me how, if you love that person, which you said you did, you can't/won't/don't want to work it out with them?

Also, tell me why the person you cheated with would then love you back. I think I can see why I have so many trust issues. The one person I always thought I could trust, I can't.

Xo,

Kasandra 

WHO I GREW UP WITH

My brother, J.T. has DMD (Duchene Muscular Dystrophy). He turns 16 on 07/22/2013, though we celebrated his birthday this evening. This was a little kid, whom is now a young man ... a young man that is maturing at a rapid rate. We get in these little petty arguments on Facebook, and I find humor in them. I do this to feel normal, normal with my only brother I grew up with. His wheelchair has never really affected me. I have always seen him as my brother, that is it. The wheelchair is just apart of him. In the past, when I was 18 and younger I would complain about helping him. Now that I am older I don't complain, and I usually jump to helping him, if possible if I am available. I know that he won't be here forever. I know that none of us will be here forever. Now that he is 16, I want to make our relationship even better. By doing that I would tease him less, and I would harp on him less, etc. The only problem with this is I know that it would make our relationship feel less normal. He has less time on this earth than your typical person, and I'm not sad about that. REALLY, I'm not. I just don't want to treat him any different because of this fact. 

Bro, maybe now you get it ... maybe now you understand. I have never wanted you to not have an opinion, in fact I want your opinion to grown and mature. I want to remember your opinion on things, and when you're gone (and God forbid that comes too soon) I want to know what you would do. I want to do the things which you would do. I know you're smart. I know you're kind. AND I know you're loving. I want to keep a part of you in my heart forever, and for always. So, next time I give you a hard time, give me just as hard of a time. That's what I want. I love you. Forever. Foralways. xo

Humility

Today I added someone on Facebook whom has Cancer, then it reminded me of my friend who was just diagnosed with cancer. My mother who nearly had cancer. My grandpa who has had cancer, and goes to get chunks taken out of his skin when it comes back. My step-grandpa who I lost to cancer. All my other friends and family with cancer, and that that have friends and family with cancer. It smacked me in the face, and left me with streams of tears flowing from my eyes. My problems, though they are unfortunate, are far from the multitude that they could be. This week has been a week from hell, full of bad luck. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have so many people to love me. I have so many people to love. I am one of the lucky ones. For those going through cancer, themselves, or with family or friends, my thoughts are with you. I pray that every person touched with cancer, may get good news soon. Love. Live. Laugh.

Smile, it's all only temporary. :)

Anniversary

Today I am not just thankful, but blessed.

The first responders, including my hero, Pat Killian. 

Life-Flight. 

The UofU trauma team. 

The UofU Emergency Room nurses, and doctors. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Alpeesh Patel. 

My orthopedic surgeon, Erik Kubiak. 

My opthamologist Boopie Patel.

The UofU SICU floor. 

The UofU ICU floor. 

The IMC Rehabilitation floor. 

ALL of the nurses, doctors, and therapists that got me going again especially, Kristin my CNA. 

My Physical Therapists.

My Speech Therapists.

My mom.

My father.

My brother.

My family - even distant cousins who gave me healing blessings.

My friends.

My church leaders who not only made my blanket, but also who prayed and visited me in the hospital.

My classmates both at Itineris, and at Hillcrest.

My teachers both at Itineris, and Mr. Bentley at Hillcrest. 

My mentors - Ms. Bradfield, Ms. Putnam, Ms. Ward.

Members of my LDS faith who put my name in the Temple.

Members of my LDS faith who prayed for me.

Jesus Christ.

Heavenly Father.

I will never be the same. I will never feel normal, but what is normal? As I have been going through Therapy I have learned a lot. My anxiety has shortened. Letting others drive has heightened. But, when I talk about it, I still cry. I don't know if that will change. I do know that I think about it less. I worry about it less. I am beyond blessed for this. The trauma comes back to haunt me at the most inopportune times, but when it happens I am thankful to be able to remember all of the above individuals. I am reminded that you cannot go through life alone. I am reminded that even though it doesn't feel like others care, they do. Others care about you, more than you know. I am reminded to LOVE life. I truly know how to live. I will live. I will have the courage and strength to carry on, even though some days it feels impossible. 

What I carry away from this accident is the fact that everyone has a story. People have so much perseverance. I had to have the will to LIVE. My FAITH had to be strengthened. I had to become humble. I am here for a reason, a reason much larger than any selfish thing I can think of. I have a purpose - a true purpose - that only I can fulfill. 

Smile, it's only temporary.