The Most Important Part

I would say this is my fifth time getting back on the horse. If I have to get on twenty more times I will, but I don't want to. I'm starting out slow, as slow as a babies first crawl, or even a child's first time riding a bike. I may stumble, but I won't fall off completely this time. This time I am starting with nutrition. I am taking it at a different angle. This time instead of working out first then introducing a new diet, I am introducing a new diet then introducing the fitness. EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING SMALL HOME WORKOUTS ALONG THE WAY.  

I used to get injured at the gym, and fall off of two horses - nutrition and physical activity. At least at this point I will have something to fall back on, nutrition. They say 80% of weight loss is in the kitchen, though I don't totally agree with that, I know there is some truth that you cannot do one without the other - but I know that nutrition is what keeps you balanced. Other benefits are that my acne will clear up, and my state of mind, and mental capacity will improve. 

I just have to remember it doesn't happen over night. Also, that no matter what; I need to love myself, and love my body. You only get one, may as well treat it right. I am learning to love my body, and that's the most important part.

xo my darlings!

Kas

07/22/1997 ~ 11/02/2013

My sweet baby brother passed away on November 2nd, 2013 at 3:20 am. He was the light of my life. Luckily, on November 1st, 2013 before I left his home I was able to read a sweet letter from a family friend. This letter had a lot to do with the after life. Jt told me he was no longer scared. That even though he was going into the unknown, for him, he knew it would be beautiful. I wanted to stay, something was pulling me to stay, but I left around 8:30. I was a fortunate person to be able to sit and hold his hand. I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, and how proud I was of him. I told him he was the strongest person that I knew, and he thanked me, so humbly. Jt was very emotional with me that evening, which surprised me. Usually he tells everyone to be strong, but as he choked back the tears, he told me he loved me. He asked me to hold his hand, and we cried. I was able to have the last deep conversation with my brother, and I will always be thankful for that. 

As the viewing ensued, emotions were raised, and many a tear fell. Jt was loved by EVERYONE that he met. How amazing is that? Many talked, including grandma, mom, aunt Nonie, Jessie, Trevor, Noah, many friends from school and myself. My sweet students from Hillcrest drew/wrote me cards. I broke, and that was okay. I needed some sort of sign that I needed to get back to Hillcrest. Dres Anderson, and Reggie Dunn came to his viewing as well. When they walked through the door I broke down so hard, because I knew it was what Jt would have wanted. I was separating Dres and Reggie from football, and seeing them in their true light. I rushed up to Dres, and he stepped back quickly. I hugged him, and didn't want to let go. I was SO happy he was there for Jt. Jt was wearing a number 6 jersey, which is Dres' jersey number. He felt honored. 

Tonight was Jt's Remembrance - at Hillcrest. There was a lot of food, including dessert. My brother Chris was there, and that was really nice. It was like a breath of fresh air. He also came with my new friend Annika. My friend Alexis came with her mom, and her baby. Matt and Stacey performed Who You'd be Today - by Kenny Chesney. Which was amazing. After which my mom spoke a little bit, and then my grandma, Rickie, cousin Danny, aunt Mare, Ryan, myself, and a few of his friends spoke. After we let the balloons go for Jt in Heaven his friends Nate Orchard, and Jeremiah Tofaeono (J.T.) stopped by and watched the picture video that Rickie had put together. They hugged my mother and I, and once again I found myself separating the football aspect, and fell in love with their kindness. They are true gentlemen, and were so needed in the moment that they were there. Jt will definitely bless them for their good works.  

My mom talked about how Jt's everyday hat was not in the stuff we had packed, but yet was in my car ready to be placed out to show. Which is proof he is here with us still. Then, many of his friends talked about how Jt probably saved lives by being so loving and kind toward everyone. Also, one of his girl friend's said that one of her girl friend's wanted to ask Jt to a dance, but that she was scared of rejection. Little did she know that Jt was scared of rejection as well. 

I can honestly say that I have learned a lot on how to be a better person by knowing Jt. As his sister I never saw these sides of Jt, because well, I'm his sister. But, hearing of these stories makes me love him ten times more than I did before, and I loved him a lot! Jt was an amazing human being. To be so perfect, that Heavenly Father wants him back early, is amazing.

Bro, I cannot wait to see you again. Please get paradise ready, and make it to where the Utes win every game. Only if you have some extra time! Watch over those of us who need you most. I love you, and you're always welcome in my pad. Lord knows you never came to hang out when you were with us. Please make your presence clear, that would be legit AF. 

God knows how I miss you. All the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place. ~ You're always in my heart, never forgotten. Rest in Paradise 

Balloon Bouquet 

The set up at Jt's Remembrance.

Letting the balloons free, to fly to Heaven. 

All of our sweet notes for Jt in Heaven. 

Balloons sure do know how to put a smile on my face. 

Do what makes your soul shine.

Thanks for the insight. Keep it coming. Love you, times infinity. XOXO

~ Sissy

A Second Wish Granted

My brother was given a wish when he was young. You see, my brother hasn't had a long life. The way I break it down is walking years, and wheelchair years. Either way, they are years, years that we have cherished. My brother's first wish was granted during his walking years. Through Make-A-Wish he was sent to Florida where we stayed in a beautiful place, filled with happiness and joy. He went to Walt Disney World, and Universal Studios. The family went with, well, besides grandpa. I know he enjoyed his 'vacation' of having no one around for a week. This first wish was special, because he was a wide-eyed, naive, not-knowing-what-the-reality-of-his-life-would-be, child.

Last night, my brother had another wish granted to him. Through family friends, and a hospice nurse, Coach Whittingham came to my brother's home. I cried, and smiled. My heart was full of happiness for my little brother. Five minutes later, four linemen were at the door knocking. They filled the room, as they were linemen (you don't realize how big they are until there is no room in the living room!) They visited with my brother, and admired all of the decor in my mom's home. Everywhere Coach turned he saw Utah, Utah, Utah. Coach was proud, you could see it in his smile. He gave my brother a visor of his that he has worn in past games. Then, Coach asked J if he wanted to come down on the field before, and after the game. He asked J if he wanted to get a tour of the locker room. He was wide-eyed, and happy, only he wasn't naive, and he now knows what the reality of his life will be.

Life is beautiful, life is fragile. Don't take it for granted. When you have bad days, smile, because it's all only temporary. Most importantly, do what is important to you. Do what you really love, and never go a day without telling the ones that you love, how much you love them.

xo,
Kas

WHO I GREW UP WITH

My brother, J.T. has DMD (Duchene Muscular Dystrophy). He turns 16 on 07/22/2013, though we celebrated his birthday this evening. This was a little kid, whom is now a young man ... a young man that is maturing at a rapid rate. We get in these little petty arguments on Facebook, and I find humor in them. I do this to feel normal, normal with my only brother I grew up with. His wheelchair has never really affected me. I have always seen him as my brother, that is it. The wheelchair is just apart of him. In the past, when I was 18 and younger I would complain about helping him. Now that I am older I don't complain, and I usually jump to helping him, if possible if I am available. I know that he won't be here forever. I know that none of us will be here forever. Now that he is 16, I want to make our relationship even better. By doing that I would tease him less, and I would harp on him less, etc. The only problem with this is I know that it would make our relationship feel less normal. He has less time on this earth than your typical person, and I'm not sad about that. REALLY, I'm not. I just don't want to treat him any different because of this fact. 

Bro, maybe now you get it ... maybe now you understand. I have never wanted you to not have an opinion, in fact I want your opinion to grown and mature. I want to remember your opinion on things, and when you're gone (and God forbid that comes too soon) I want to know what you would do. I want to do the things which you would do. I know you're smart. I know you're kind. AND I know you're loving. I want to keep a part of you in my heart forever, and for always. So, next time I give you a hard time, give me just as hard of a time. That's what I want. I love you. Forever. Foralways. xo

My Practicum/Social Work

People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did. 

But, people will never forget how you made them feel.

Out of all the things in the world one could be, I chose to become a Social Worker. As I am doing my practicum, I am learning more than I thought possible. My heart is definitely in the right place. I'm beyond thankful for finding my  niche. 

The past couple weeks I have learned more about myself than I thought possible. I  love  me, and I  love  people, and I  love  (young) women. Today in one of the forums at one of the schools in the state I had a hunch that one of the participants is struggling with an eating disorder. I thanked my God for reminding me daily how beautiful I am, and that I don't need to harm myself. A couple days ago another participant said she thought she was ugly, she's very young and it about broke my heart. I know I have a lot to offer, but I know the world has ten fold to offer me. I'm  thankful  for my love of Social Work, and for Social Work loving me back.  

FHMC

My seminar professor hates when people use acronyms, and then doesn't tell people what the acronyms stand for - This acronym stands for the four topics I am going to blog about: football, homelessness, marriage, and a change of heart, mind, and soul.

Football: Tomorrow is the black out football game, a game I have been looking forward to for some time now. I absolutely love football, and I cannot wait to go. My mom is going to be going with me as well, so I'm beyond stoked. It's at 7:45 at night, so it will be extremely cold, but I don't mind.  

Homelessness: As I was driving home the other day from I believe my mom's house in Midvale I got off of the freeway exit closest to my apartment. As I was driving past a laundry-mat these elderly people of color were scouring the sidewalks, gutters, and streets for any money they could find. I began to get emotional. After my mom's I had just went to the grocery store for a couple items such as bananas and apples - I pulled over into the parking lot, handed them the bananas, apples, and celery. I then asked them if they would like to get in my car to warm up and I'd take them to get a hot chocolate or coffee. The lady said, "Oh, no!" we couldn't do that you've done enough. I proceeded to say well, I don't think I have done hardly enough. The lady said, "no one has been this kind to us, even at the shelters we're treated different because of our skin color." I began to cry. The elderly man said, "don't cry, you're far too beautiful to be crying. You have such a good heart, do not let things get to your heart like that. Guard your heart, but not your mind." I took them over to the convenient store, got them a large warm beverage, asked them where they needed a ride to - then again declined. I persisted, they said they were fine. I invited them to sit in my car a bit longer, they thanked me and said God Bless. I still feel so helpless - but hey they had some nutritious food, and warm beverages in their stomach. I'm beyond privileged.

Marriage: I went to a wedding this evening for two of my very good friends. As I got there, everything was fine. As I hugged one of my friends I cried, I apologized for crying, and cried some more. He looked at me and said, "I love you, you know that right?" I then proceeded to cry. It was (selfish) sorrow, gratitude, happiness, and love that was flooding my face. This in turn made him tear up, which in turn made me cry again. I hugged him, said congratulations, walked away and wept. I then saw the bride and she was absolutely gorgeous, the tears ceased, until I was in my car and as I was driving back I began to get emotional, and could feel that my heart was so heavy. I have a love/hate relationship with marriage and weddings. 

Change of heart and mind: I have changed from inside out. I am a different person, internally. Life is looking up. I couldn't be more proud of myself. Hopefully I make it to the temple sooner, than later. :) 

Same Love - Macklemore

I'm so happy I came across this artist. He speaks to my heart and soul. :) 

[Verse 1: Macklemore]

When I was in the 3rd grade

I thought that I was gay

Cause I could draw, my uncle was

And I kept my room straight

I told my mom, tears rushing down my face

She's like, "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-K"

Trippin', yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she

A bunch of stereotypes all in my head

I remember doing the math like

"Yeah, I'm good a little league"

A pre-conceived idea of what it all meant

For those who like the same sex had the characteristics

The right-wing conservatives think it's a decision

And you can be cured with some treatment and religion

Man-made, rewiring of a pre-disposition

Playing God

Ahh nah, here we go

America the brave

Still fears, what, we don't know

And God loves all His children

Is somehow forgotten

But we paraphrase a book written

35 hundred years ago

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/macklemore/same_love.html ]

[Verse 2: Macklemore]

If I was gay

I would think hip-hop hates me

Have you read the YouTube comments lately

"Man that's gay"

Gets dropped on the daily

We've become so numb to what we're sayin'

Our culture founded from oppression

Yeah, we don't have acceptance for 'em

Call each other faggots

Behind the keys of a message board

A word routed in hate

Yet our genre still ignores it

Gay is synonymous with the lesser

It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion

Gender and skin color

Complexion of your pigment

The same fight that lead people to walk-outs and sit-ins

It's human rights for everybody

There is no difference

Live on! And be yourself! 

When I was in church

They taught me something else

If you preach hate at the service

Those words aren't anointed

And that Holy Water

That you soak in

Is then poisoned

When everyone else

Is more comfortable

Remaining voiceless

Rather than fighting for humans

That have had their rights stolen

I might not be the same

But that's not important

No freedom 'til we're equal

Damn right I support it

I don't know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Verse 3: Macklemore]

We press play

Don't press pause

Progress, march on! 

With a veil over our eyes

We turn our back on the cause

'Till the day

That my uncles can be united by law

Kids are walkin' around the hallway

Plagued by pain in their heart

A world so hateful

Someone would rather die

Than be who they are

And a certificate on paper

Isn't gonna solve it all

But it's a damn good place to start

No law's gonna change us

We have to change us

Whatever god you believe in

We come from the same one

Strip away the fear

Underneath it's all the same love

About time that we raised up

[Hook: Mary Lambert]

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm [x4]

[Outro: Mary Lambert]

Love is patient, love is kind

Love is patient (not cryin' on Sundays)

Love is kind (not crying on Sundays) [x5]

Realization(.)Two

REALIZATION POINT TWO

Acoustic music is vulnerable. It speaks the words I have in my heart, but have yet to cross my mind.  Acoustic that can make my arm hairs stand at attention, can make me have a lump in my throat, and can make me feel alive. If a genre of music can do that to you, well you've found your bliss. It almost feels as good as falling in love for the first time of your life. It's like heaven on earth. It is something you can fall back on. As you fall back, you know it will catch and understand you, and do everything in it's power not to drop you.  When you, yourself, are too mixed up; it can bring you back down to reality and leave you with a glimmer of  hope in your spirit. It will help you to regain your strength, and understand your power as a human.

My compilation - which will continue to grow and inspire anyone having to make difficult decisions in life, and about life. Don't be afraid, just let the music soothe you and take you away. (These aren't in order of my favorites by any means, I cannot number music that fills my heart from top to bottom.)

Speak For Me by John Mayer

"Ain't the cover of a rolling stone. And the music on my radio ain't supposed to make me feel alone. What a drag to know, I have to learn to let it go. Show me something I can be. Play a song that I can sing. Make me feel as I am free, someone come speak for me."

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Come on skinny love, just last the year ... and I told you to be patient. And I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced. and I told you to be kind. And if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?"

Breathe Me by Sia

"Help I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, and needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again ... yeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again, and I feel I'm safe."

To Be Cont.

Grad School & Ghana

I have a special place in my heart for the people of this world, but my heart is especially soft and light for the people of Ghana, and her land. So, after grad school I am going to travel to Ghana. I didn't take a graduation trip after high school. I am also not going to take one after getting my Bachelor of Social Work (BSW). But, after Grad school I am going to take one. It's totally win-win, and will be the final push to apply, and to go!

I LOVE social work, and I love what it has done for me. It has made me a better person by like 175 percent. I still have a lot of room to grow, and learn . . . hence grad school! I also received a blessing from a member of my church and after this I finally knew I needed to at least apply. And with conversations with my Heavenly Father I feel it is necessary to apply next Fall. I see so many people applying, and so excited about it. I am happy for them, and I thought I would be a little upset that I wasn't. I couldn't feel more happy about my decision.

Why Ghana? I have met so many Ghanians, dated a few, and read lots and lots of books! When you combine all of these it leaves me inspired, and with the adoration of Ghana. The people are incredible, never stop smiling, have a special light that radiates from them, and are always happy. I need to realize what living is like, and I feel like going to Ghana will be the way I learn how to live here in America. I need to see and experience things I have never seen or experienced before. Lastly, to finally learn why Soccer is so awesome. I despise the sport here, but maybe being around people who don't even know/give a crap about American Football could do me some good.

"While the rest of the world has been improving technology, Ghana has been improving the quality of man's humanity to man." - Maya Angelou

"I think we have a good team, but soccer fans will know that we're in a really tough group. The three teams in our group are really strong. The Czech Republic is a very good team, Italy is traditionally a powerhouse, and Ghana is one of the best teams in Africa." - Claudio Reyna 

Feel the burn!!!

I have been working out, and feeling the burn for two days now. I haven't had this sensation for months because of SI joint pain. I have started a new medication called Indocine, and it has reduced the inflammation, which in turn has reduced my pain level. Yesterday I did the StairMaster for 15 minutes, and a mile on the elliptical. I then did some actual workout techniques. Today I did the StairMaster for 30 minutes, and two miles on the elliptical, then a half a mile on the high stepper - which in turn burned 2200 calories. I then proceeded with an upper body weight lifting session. AND boy did it burn! :) I love it, and cannot wait to get back to where I was. 

Hakuna Matata

My life long philosophy.

~ Smile, it's all only temporary :)

Discovery.

My life has been short, very short, in this earthly estate. And though it has been a very short time, it has been very meaningful. It has taught me a lot, and has been beyond beautiful. I love life, and if it weren't for selfless moments serving others, I wouldn't have found myself. 

Losing yourself in serving others brings great join into our lives. I encourage anyone who reads this to really lose yourself in the service of another, to feel that true love, which will assist you in loving and finding the best in yourself as a fellow human being on this planet. 

Smile, because it's all only temporary :)