Defense Mechanism

Mine: Laughter

Want to know all the different kinds, click here.

Yesterday in counseling we talked about defense mechanisms and how mine is laughter. The best part about that is that it is a very healthy defense mechanism. She definitely wants me to work on it, but for now she says continue doing what I'm doing because of other homework she finds more important. She asked me to make a conscious effort to recognize when I am doing it however. It's amazing to see and to reflect my life with a counselor. At first, counseling didn't seem like a great idea. After the intake, I figured I could handle things on my own still. And that the counselor couldn't tell me anything I couldn't already tell myself. I was beyond wrong, and I would recommend counseling to almost anyone.

My homework was to look at my life very objectively, to ensure I am fulfilling baby steps and not overdoing anything. I would say the puzzle is about 35% of the way put together, after 2 sessions. What a great feeling, and I am accepting that as a great accomplishment, even though this is very untypical of me. I am growing up, accepting my emotions, and not allowing them to define me and my actions. 

Life is beautiful :)

9/11

"Grammy, Grammy! Look those planes are crashing into those buildings." As my little brother pointed at the television screen, I thought to myself, "This is just some stupid new action movie, I could care less about." Then the news anchor said, "This is live in New York City, we are coming to you with more news in a moment." My grandma's face, coming into the big room, with some hot coffee she had just made herself was frightened. Which in turn made me know something wasn't right. I finished getting ready for school, as if nothing had just happened. As I walked to school I could see many peoples faces as they were driving either wet from their tears or distraught. While at school they turned on all the Televisions, which they never do, so I became more panicked. The time was never important to me as a child, but for some reason everything was slowed: the clock, the teacher, the principals, adults, cars, and even lawn mowers. I could hear the lawn mowers going at school, until they stopped, and it must have been two hours that had gone by. 

As I witnessed the one tower fall on the television my stomach went into my throat, a feeling I hadn't felt before. The the second tower fell, and all of a sudden my face was wet, soaked actually. I hadn't ever felt like this before, so to be able to explain it was not possible around 10-11 years of age. I think this may be the first connection I had with trauma. I could feel all those families sufferings, literally FEEL it. I may not have known it then, but I now know this is why I chose to be a social worker. Those events helped me feel raw emotions, I couldn't even explain. My empathy (not that I knew what that word meant), was hightened, and my soul was strengthened. 

9/11 was a horrific event, one that should never be re-enacted. This day I will carry all the victims, in our boarders, and out side our boarders, of 9/11 past, present, and future in my heart. It is definitely a day I will with all my power never forget. 

Hakuna Matata

My life long philosophy.

~ Smile, it's all only temporary :)

Simply, a mustard seed will be enough.

I hope this happens soon.

They say the Lord will not give you more than you can handle . . . I'm beginning to wonder how much I can handle. It is beautiful, but so frustrating at the same time. Life is crazy, like a Roller Coaster, but this is the one that I don't like.

The perfect depiction of my life right now. 

The person I define as my hero at the moment is Anne Frank. A beautiful woman to look up to in my opinion. She had a tough life when WWII began, and still through all in which she saw and heard she was still an optimistic person. So, for now I will keep this quote with me to help me with perspective. 

Discovery.

My life has been short, very short, in this earthly estate. And though it has been a very short time, it has been very meaningful. It has taught me a lot, and has been beyond beautiful. I love life, and if it weren't for selfless moments serving others, I wouldn't have found myself. 

Losing yourself in serving others brings great join into our lives. I encourage anyone who reads this to really lose yourself in the service of another, to feel that true love, which will assist you in loving and finding the best in yourself as a fellow human being on this planet. 

Smile, because it's all only temporary :) 

To The Sky

TO THE SKY

this is for the girl who just got in another fight with her parents
another night just staring at the ceiling
feeling like there's no one that really cares if she's there or not
she's got friends and enemies, trends and envy, gets compared a lot
for the girl under pressure
her boyfriend will think less if
she doesn't sext him the message
about to give it all up
man these boys and man these poisons
so many choices & voices - why is it on us?
for any girl that ever thought she didn't fit in
or was mocked for religion, or ever thought to stop living
for the girl so rich that she'd sport nothing short of a Benz
for the girl so poor she couldn't afford the rims
for the girl by the candlelight
trying to hold the camera right
gotta get the angle right
this facebook candid has gotta be off the handle right?
things would be grand if like she only had the life
this is for the jealous
for the wannabe Bellas, Britneys, Kardashians
Kate Middletons, Beyonces
soul surfers and soul searchers
wondering about the whole purpose of this so-called life
what's my sole purpose? nothing ever goes right
for the girl reading the script on the elliptical at LA Fitness til they close
for the girl buying clothes like they're going out of style
for the girl running alone
for the girl coming home that hasn't been home in a while

lift your head
lift your eyes to the sky
it spells your name
lift your feet
your heart, and start to believe
you're meant to dream big dreams

for every awkward stance at every awkward dance
every awkward glance longing for him to approach her
but he just walks past with friends, put the cap on the lens
the last song ends and the last door closes
for any girl hoping for roses but getting dirt
hoping to be noticed or hoping to get over getting hurt
this is for the unspoken, for the ones broken
just trying to hold on to hope when things are only getting worse
for the girl going through a divorce
the wife or the daughter, for the girl with no father
no prospects and no options
for the locker room girl, for the thoughtful girl
for every been through a lot girl (I see you)
for the single mom pushing the stroller uphill
both ways she knows pain she holds face but still
she's fighting back tears, been a mighty bad year
dreams as a child never looked quite like what I have here
for the girl with regrets, neglecting self-respect
for the girl giving everything until she's got nothing left
for the girl reminiscing on what could have been
for the girl settling cuz there's not enough good men
for the girl with the perfect life
husband and kids, everything working right
for the girl that's wondering if that stuff exists
this is for the lonely
for the girl searching for something
and wondering what that something is

I'm only a man I can only imagine what you go through
just want you to understand this image - there's no limit to the finish that you can go to
what if I told you that you hold the torch?
you're the source, you're the lantern
to hold men to a higher standard
you hold the power
in this stampede through the orchard you're the hope for the flowers
you're the sunshine you're the rain
you make everything more beautiful
without you music wouldn't be musical
poems wouldn't be poetic
you set the tone
you possess strength you've never known, forever glowing
like a precious stone in the evening, the best achievement of eden
when I say you're never alone - I really mean it
when you're dreaming keep believing it'll be true
keep the persistence, conviction, and the vision to see it through
keep improving on yourself, know that every time you
are wishing you were someone else, someone's wishing to be you
so take control and own it
one day he's gonna ask you to dance
and when he does he'll be worthy of the moment
time frozen like a broken iphone and
on some Jill Scott notion living life like it's golden
you are amazing
i wish i could put a mirror in the sky so you can see you when you're star gazing
shining your divine nature, you're fine aint you?
in his greatest landscapes Monet couldn't paint you
I admire your radiance, hope you never hold it back when
they come to attack it
I guess the plan is to damage the perfect workmanship
your body is a temple
they attempt to burn it down so there's nothing left to worship in
these words inadequate to say nothing exceeds you
I'm sorry it's way long, that's how much time that I needed to
explain why I believe in you, I hope that you proceed to
stay strong and be you
please, we need you

http://www.qwiet.com/lyrics/#/_music/MOR/lyrics/ToTheSky

First Day of Counseling

Luckily there was a comfy couch cushion to comfort the bad and to cradle the good. As I sat there in an idle state, as my life rushed past me at speeds I cannot even comprehend. 

To come to terms with ideas, and realize my life isn't as much of a piece of cake as I had covered it up to be. To realize, yet not accept, I don't have to be as perfect as feel I need to be. 

As I explained to the social worker, that wasn't much older than me, things I wanted to understand about myself. I just spewed out things I have kept to myself for much of my life. 

My hope is that this jig-saw puzzle of a life can be put together, framed and hung. That all these pieces I give her can assist me in my road map to where I want to be. That I can face my inner demons, and express emotions I have tied down for a very long time.

One thing I will not be ashamed of, is the fact that I asked for help, someone listened, and followed through. I have asked people whom I trust, and love for help and they have agreed, but then take back that agreement like it never existed. Today I put together two pieces of my puzzle. I finally figured out why I have such a hard time asking for help, because when I do, it's always a let down. 

I am no longer anxious, as I thought I would be. I cannot wait to be set free, completely unchained. It will be a glorious day.