Past Tense

One day I talk about him as if I am going to hang out with him within the hour. 

The next day I talk about him as if he has been gone for a very long time.

My reality is different from day to day. Bare with me.

Sixteen.

At sixteen he died from Congenital Heart Failure, caused by a disease called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.

At sixteen he never drove.

At sixteen he had dreams and passions which few knew of. 

 His love was stronger and deeper than anything I have ever known.

He.

He was my brother.

It's a struggle, you see. One day, it is simple. One day, it is too much to bare.

I always knew it would be difficult; not quite like this.

People talk about how it was meant to be. 

People talk about how he was 'needed' more in Heaven.

My response:

He is not needed more in heaven. God did not need another angel.

I don't find it selfish that I still wish he was still here.

I volunteered for a Hospice Agency, and it was a wonderful experience.

A total of four years. 

I saw the happiness, sadness, and anger many family members wore on their faces.

I watched tears run down so many cheeks.

I witnessed the truest of smiles.

I heard depth from lips.

Hospice, on the other side. 

On the side of your own loved one is not the same.

Coming to the realization that the person you love more than life itself is dying; is not fun.

It is not easy.

It is not worth the pain. 

Trying to figure out if it is okay to laugh without him has been hard.

Trying to figure out if I shouldn't cry because it would 'make him sad' has been hard. 

Staying up late at night wishing you would have done more, said more, been more or loved him more has been hard.

Thinking you're out of the grieving process, when it hits you that you are back at the very beginning. 

Not wanting to talk about him.

Wanting to talk about him, but not feeling right about it.

I simply miss him. Everything about him. Even the parts that are very sad about him. 

John Timothy (Jt) Nimmo.

Him.

Lil' Broski.

Brother.

Friend.

Favorite Hero.

Favorite Person.

Promise to Humanity

When I was a young child, I thought I wanted to be a Veterinarian and go to UC Davis in California.

When I was an adolescent, I thought I wanted to be The President of the United States of America.

When I was a teenager, I thought I wanted to be a Pilot in the Air Force, a War Veteran Psychologist, then a Nurse.

When I was a young adult, I thought I wanted to be an English Teacher.

Now that I am a twenty-something, I am a Social Worker. I am what I never knew about as a child. Now that I am getting prepared to go to graduate school in order to find a 'realistic' career, I am nervous. One thing is for sure however, I am meant to be a Social Worker. I actually cannot see myself being anything but a Social Worker. I had an interview regarding my practicum placement (internship.) When I sat down with Elizabeth she asked me if I wanted to do clinical social work, I blurted out 'NO' so quick, that I think I may have startled her. She looked at me, nodded, and said, 'Alright, well what is your plan?' I let her know that macro (community based) Social Work would fit me best. She nodded in approval, and said, 'That fits your concentration perfectly.' As our conversation continued she said, you may have to do some one-on-one, however. I nodded in approval, and claimed that I understood. I'm just such a baby when it comes to having to do things for my first time. I don't want to do one-on-one. I'm not ready, I'm not trained. I was thinking all of this while she continued to talk to me about different placements. Luckily, I know that I AM ready. I know that I WILL be trained. I know that I can handle whatever Social Work throws at me, because this is what I am meant to do. It's not all that often when I am so sure about something that I feel it deep in my soul.

This month is Social Work month, and with that I felt I wanted to come out to the world with my promise to humanity:

I promise to always do my best. I promise to always put others before myself in such a way that doesn't cause harm to either party. I promise to never place judgment upon a person based off of my own opinions, and experiences. I promise to love each person that I come in contact with, and to make sure they feel loved before leaving my presence. I promise to bring happiness with my aura, and I promise to be that light for others. I promise to continue my journey, because so many others aren't able to. I promise to never give up on anyone, ever. I promise to believe in life, love, and each personal pursuit of happiness. I promise to love with all my heart, body, mind, and soul.

LOVE IS THE ONLY WAY. 

Attitude Change

My sweet soon-to-be-husband bought me a kitty for Valentine's Day. Now, it took two days to find 'the one' but when we found him, we knew. Chris tried to get one for me ON Valentine's Day, but wasn't sure about the temperament of the cat. He wanted me to meet the cat before her bought her. Well, as we went to see the cats he had seen previously, I didn't feel any connection toward the cat he wanted to buy me. Although, I had a connection with another cat named Nala. Well, the process to get her took forever, and the lady was so disrespectful when she was going through the process that we just got up and left. The customer service we received at The Humane Society was the worst that I have ever received.

When I returned home I was almost instantly on KSL looking for my new friend. I compiled a list of five that I wanted to go and see. GEEZE! This process was no joke. Well, the next morning we called around, many were already sold. But, there was one that I was drawn to in Midvale, which I had missed the previous day. Chris called and set up the appointment to go and see it. We got there, and the cat was adorable - very play ful, just what I wanted. Chris then says, 'Well, we have a few more places to go and see some other cats. We will let you know.' In my mind I am thinking what a freaking jerk! I want this cat. As I am angrily walking back to the car he is explaining that they aren't telling us something about the cat. (Now, previously when I don't follow his instincts bad things happen, i.e. my old apartment for instance.) So, as we talk back and forth, I decided that I would be okay not getting that cat.

When I got home, I searched some more, and more, and more ... Many phone calls and texts later, and we were off to see a cat in West Jordan. Once we got into the house we met this BIG seven month old kitty. When I say BIG, I mean like a 10 pound cat. I loved her, she was white and gray with blue eyes. She was absolutely adorable. I told the kid that we had a few more cats to go and look at, and that we would be in contact. As we got in the car we talked for about ten minutes. Since this cat didn't have a carrier I wanted to go and see if there was a decent priced carrier at PETCO around the corner. Well, they were 30 bucks, and I was thinking, no way am I buying a thirty dollar carrier for a twenty minute ride. Chris then saw that they had cats for adoption there at PETCO. We walked into the area, and I found THE kitty. Chris flagged someone down and she came over to help us. This lady was so NICE, and helpful. We really appreciated how kind she was.

The price went from free (getting a cat off KSL.) with all the litter box, litter, food, toys, water and food bowl, brushes etc. to 75 for the cat and 70 for all of the necessities (including a scratch post, brush, toy, food, litter and litter box.) I felt bad, because I didn't mean to break the bank for my Valentine's Day present, but Chris just kept saying, it's okay ... it is the cat you want. Not the cat you feel you need to get because you cannot find 'THE' one.

I LOVE this kitty. He is grey - without blue eyes. But, I can give a little to get the PERFECT cat for me; temperament wise. His name is STAR, and he is 6 months old. Star is sweet, loving, inquisitive, and fast!

Chris does really well with him, and I like watching the way he interacts with him. I know it is a cat, and cats and babies are different, but it makes me excited for when we have children. I know he will be a great father, and this is another reason why I love this man.

Star has already helped me to be more present. I cannot raise my voice too high or he gets scared. I have to walk lighter, be more conscious, and be more aware of my surroundings. I'm excited, because I feel like I need a friend like him, he will affect me in more ways that he even understands. My heart feels a little better, my soul feels a lot better, and I feel such a sense of responsibility over a kitten. It makes me feel needed, and I like that feeling.

Here is to an amazing journey ahead. Get ready for my 'crazy cat lady' stories. I promise I will only have one cat for a long while, however.

For My Birthday

My best friend won't be here this year.
Eyes cannot dry out.
Soul cannot be still.
Heart cannot be mended.
Memories cannot be fulfilled.
Sleep cannot cover the pain.
Words cannot calm.
Dreams cannot make up.
My best friend won't be here this year.

My wish is that you could be here physically, but I know that cannot happen. So, until I see you again please continue to be my strength. 

I love you, forever and foralways. 

One heart, Two souls.

The Most Important Part

I would say this is my fifth time getting back on the horse. If I have to get on twenty more times I will, but I don't want to. I'm starting out slow, as slow as a babies first crawl, or even a child's first time riding a bike. I may stumble, but I won't fall off completely this time. This time I am starting with nutrition. I am taking it at a different angle. This time instead of working out first then introducing a new diet, I am introducing a new diet then introducing the fitness. EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING SMALL HOME WORKOUTS ALONG THE WAY.  

I used to get injured at the gym, and fall off of two horses - nutrition and physical activity. At least at this point I will have something to fall back on, nutrition. They say 80% of weight loss is in the kitchen, though I don't totally agree with that, I know there is some truth that you cannot do one without the other - but I know that nutrition is what keeps you balanced. Other benefits are that my acne will clear up, and my state of mind, and mental capacity will improve. 

I just have to remember it doesn't happen over night. Also, that no matter what; I need to love myself, and love my body. You only get one, may as well treat it right. I am learning to love my body, and that's the most important part.

xo my darlings!

Kas

Mrs. Mohlakola

I wanted to take this time and thank my fiance for making me a better woman every day of my life. The best part of our relationship is how I fall more and more in love, every day, with this man. He is the sweetest, funniest, calmest, most sincere person that I know. He is my anchor, and helps me to keep firm in my foundation. He is my best friend, my soul-mate, my rabbit, my anchor. He tells me like it is, holds me to my word, and accepts me for who I am, whole-heartedly. I have never felt this kind of unconditional love until I met Christopher. He is my other half, the person that I need, and the person that I want. Thank you for loving me through everything. You are my rock, you are my happy place, and you mean everything to me.  

i should have been in the kitchen

11/01/2013:

as we had that sweet conversation 

he was vulnerable 

the way i had never seen him

beautifully vulnerable

in a vibrant way

his touch is a touch to remember

his tears are tears that pierce my heart

even still to this day.

11/02/2013:

sadness

desperation

disbelief 

filled the room

the funeral director arrived

she was pushed into the kitchen

many others followed

as the sister it was my duty to stay

images like his tears 

images like his touch

pierce my heart

not even as close

as watching the move 

from bed

to

stretcher

bones.cracking.hearts.shattering

i should have been in the kitchen

Although, it has been a huge sigh of relief my heart is still broken.

They were right, they were really right. 

All I know is that I am left here ... without you. Missing you, wishing you were still here to be with me. To sit with me, and just chill with each other. To simply be. siblings. 

Two souls.

One heart.

ily.