No one was born into this world a bigot.

My whole entire life I've been the loud girl. I've been known as the class clown, as the bitch, as the brown-nose, and as the abrasive one and it's never really bothered me until now.

I stand out. I feel as though the Lord picked me to do something great. Something not everyone could do. Something not everyone could fight for: the human race. I was born with this voice to liberate so many human beings who have been oppressed, and continue to be oppressed to this day.

I know what I believe goes against what a lot of people believe, but I cannot help it.

I believe in human rights. All human's no matter their ability, skin color, religion, sexual orientation, gender, nationality, etc. NEED to be respected and accepted. 

No one was born into this world a bigot. 

Words Aren't Enough

I'm at that stage where I feel like I know where it's going to end up. I feel like I may as well give up, now. Sooner than later. Then, I remember the way he makes me feel. Then, I remember the things I've promised. "Never to give up. Never to stop loving. Never to stop trying. Never to quit." Then I remember how much I love him and adore him and just want my life to be with him. Then the reality hits. I can't forever say I don't need my family. Especially when he goes on deployment. But, I can't give up. I've shut my heart off more than my brain, but I still know in my soul it's right. But, maybe it was right and now I need to move on. I've made a pact with my Heavenly Father that I will wait until May 1st and if at that point I still haven't heard anything I will consider myself single. But, the sad reality is that I don't think I will date for a long long while. You don't just stop dating someone. You don't just fall out of love with someone, someone that never did a single thing wrong to you. Someone that loved you more than you've ever felt love from someone. It doesn't just happen. So, here I am. I don't want to play games, but as others have told me . . . I'm not taking advice just to take advice, but with using my brain in this process as well. "Look at how much you're willing to give up. Really look at what you're willing to do 1. Move to Texas

2. Move to Ghana

3. Make him happy, and do what wifely duties.

and what has he offered to do for you? Has he really proven anything?" Well, here is where I stand with that. No, he hasn't but it's what I feel. I don't need proof, I don't need him to do things, spend money on me, and do anything for me to know he would. But, when I really think about it . .. I deserve that. I deserve to know he would do anything for me. But, it's a game. I just want to be loved and love in return. I guess my "simple" philosophy really isn't how the world is though. No matter the out come he is my soul-mate. He is who makes me feel alive, like what I live for is out there. Like what I want to do for the rest of my life is possible. Like I can do whatever I set my mind to. I thank God every day for sending me one of his modern day angels to make me realize my worth.

The Atonement

"Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven?"- Brad Wilcox

I now see Jesus Christ as a person - as my friend, my best friend. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to keep trying. Being like Christ is my goal, and so far my journey continues to help me with that. I first have to forgive myself, because the Lord always will. For the past few months I've taken a stand to do the Lord's will. As I continue to do this His love for me grows - He shows me by putting particular people in my life, I otherwise wouldn't think I deserve. I love Jesus Christ, and He loves me. I won't give up, I'll keep going. 

Two nights ago I learned about The Atonement. I'd heard of The Atonement, and have read about it before, but never understood what it was exactly. Monday night was the first time of finding out what it really was. Not just by understanding it through words, but by understanding it through feeling. Jesus Christ has felt all of my pain, sorrow, sadness, guilt, etc. I bare testimony that this is true. I'm so overcome with joy, when I speak of this love I feel from my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ.

I feel as though I wasn't to know what The Atonement was, until I was ready. (It's been there, working in my life. I just never saw it, or felt it.) Just as the Lord wouldn't want us in his Temples if we didn't understand the meanings and symbolism behind a lot of the work done. He doesn't want to put too much on our plates in order to overwhelm ourselves while living our day to day lives. I was finally willing to learn, and I was willing to do the work I needed to do; with His promptings and His guidance I was given light. 

I've never felt more ready to dwell in his presence. I feel like if I was to die anytime now, I would be ready. I feel as though this isn't going to happen anytime soon, but the reason I know I'm ready is because of The Atonement. It makes me feel as though I am enough, and that I can make mistakes, and He will love me regardless. To know in my heart that he has already died for all the mistakes I've made, makes living seem easier. I want to be more like Him daily. I wish I would have learned about The Atonement, through feeling, sooner. But, we all have to find things out in and on our own timing. 

In ending know, "The grace of Christ is sufficient - sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes." - Brad Wilcox

God is love, and God is life. :) 

the naked vulnerable one in the corner do not cover them up sorrow and mercy covers their face hatred and love in their soul laughter cannot come from their lips when talking they make no sense and it leaves the next person confused people want to help yet they just want to stand their naked for all to see help cannot help a vulnerable soul you see the callous and want to rip it off yet they laugh at the thought life isnt easy leave it on they say because that is when i feel most free.

no: i won't give up

The pain I feel right now is the realest pain of my life. I wish for just a second the people in my life who aren't supportive could feel what I feel right now.

Knowing You Love Someone

People tell me, "I know you're in love, because you just have that glow." Alright, that's true, and the way I feel when I talk about him just re-affirms it over and over. I now get why people like to talk about their partner. I'm one of those people that never thought I'd fall in love "like that", but here I am. When I get down to it, it's more than just the happy things. This isn't going to be easy, not only is it long-distance, still. (He's in Texas, I'm in Utah.) BUT, there is other stuff in my life that is leaving me without a lot of support. I just continue telling myself, with the Lord all things are possible. These things are only going to make me stronger, in turn making us stronger. I feel like the Lord is preparing me for something, something in which I may be alone in doing. I'm more in tune with the spirit than ever and I love it.

I've dated other guys before, Jacob was the one I thought was the love of my life, yadda-yadda-yadda. He really was amazing though. He treated me great! My accident happened and he was there by my side, wanting to support me and help me get strong. All of a sudden one day he was gone. Through Facebook messages we connected, he was very rude to me. After a while he caught on that his wife (yes, he went and married a psycho) was messaging me through his Facebook account. After we talked for a few months he decided to leave his wife, no I was not the reason for their divorce, but I did open his eyes to things he wasn't seeing. I couldn't stand to watch someone I had once loved be hurt and broken down. This is how I knew I loved him.

Justin, oh goodness! The biggest jerk of my life walked into my life. He was from Alabama, don't date guys from the south. Well, he was a piece of work. I don't quite get people like him, though I thought I loved him, until the day he called me a beotchy, and said I was the most inconsiderate person he had ever met ALL BECAUSE I didn't stop at a yield sign. We argued, we argued a lot. Not to mention I took him to a Utes Game, where he met my family. In the middle of the game he went and sat with some of his friends, in turn her left with said friends. Long story short, this one was long gone. I'm proud to say I could care less what this guy is doing in his life. Love here, absolutely not.

Jordan was a good one. He was one year younger than me when we dated about a year, wow almost two years ago! I feel old, but to have 5 steady boyfriends in your life at 21 also makes you look a bit desperate. He treated me nicely, he was funny, cute, sensitive . . . until he called me one night and started freaking out on me while I was at my aunt's house. He was a crazy turns out. He was telling me how I wasn't a good example because he wanted to go back to church and I didn't. GO BACK TO CHURCH THEN! I so hope he did. I'm sorry, but I wasn't ready, so I didn't do it. We never talked again. No love here either.

Von, cheated on his wife with me. Enough said, we can move on.

I've never dated someone with so much passion for life. Someone who is so future oriented. Someone who can make me feel so special just by kissing my cheek. His smile and laugh brightens any room. His sincerity and genuineness has everyone on the edge of their seat. He's courageous and strong. He's my soldier. He may not know how much I look up to him. He may not know the passion and drive he gives me. One day, I hope I can give him back, all of which he gives to me, and may not even know it.

Coping

Dr. Groot, a professor of mine in the College of Social Work once shared a quote in class: "The only thing constant in life is, change." Change is something so foreign to me. Big changes will be happening soon and I needed to find some comfort, so I turned to Grey's Anatomy for some quotes. 


"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth...the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is...everything."



I am listening to my heart. I am learning, expanding my mind and growing. I am listening not only with my ears but also with my eyes. I refuse to let things/ideas/people in my life that mean so much to me slip through the cracks. I will now be a filter. I will listen and take all advice happily, but I may not apply all advice.  


Abraham, is it. We've had the conversation. I asked if I could be honest, and of course he wanted me to be. I told him how I've told people he's the one, that I'm going to marry him. I never thought at 21 I would have fallen in love, and never with an African man. So many people have told me that they can see the love and adoration he gives and shows toward me. This makes my heart beam with happiness. When other's can see it, you know you don't give up, ever. 


"If there's just one piece of advice i can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. because the best things in life, they don't come free."


Today I shared something with Abraham, which I've shared with very few people. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated. We are so different, and it's beautiful. My happiness is what matters now, if someone tries to stop my progress, I finally won't care to leave them behind.