I've felt the spirit a lot at certain points in my life and in others not a lot at all.
One particular moment when I felt the spirit especially strong was when Elder Zeiner and Elder Goble asked me to pray. I did that day, and that day I discovered God. I had been reading my scriptures (not as much as they (the missionaries) had hoped, but as much as I could manage) and I had been praying (not the way I do now, but as best I could, then). I had been living as righteously as I knew how. I was 15. I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven. I didn't believe in anything, until that moment. When I said aloud the words of prayer I felt this feeling that overcame me stronger than anything ever has. I didn't know what this feeling was called, but I knew it was good.
My mom asked the missionaries to come and teach me, and that next week I went to church. Immediately I fell in love with what I now call my, "home ward". I had such beautiful people around me who treated me as their own. I went to church, and had the teachings for eight months. I asked my mom about two months into the teachings if I could be baptized, and she asked me to partake of the lessons, and go to church a little longer. I continued to do as she asked, and about five months into it I asked again. She again asked me to continue in my lessons, and so I did. When seven months into it I thought to myself, I need this church in my life. With it I will stay away from the peer-pressures that were and are so predominant in the world today. I then wrote each one of my immediate family members a letter. In each letter I wrote about separate entities, and were each written for that person and I's relationship. Finally my family was willing to let me get baptized.
The night before my baptism was a dark night. I had very negative thoughts, and ideas running through my mind. At one point I just cried. I cried so hard because I felt so trapped under what I would call a spell, a dark spell that I never want to be under again. The next morning was very glorious. It was a beautiful day and I felt better than I had in a long time.
My mom and some of my distant cousins were the only family present. I had Elder Zeiner baptize me. I felt so loved that Saturday, August, 4th 2007. After I was baptized I felt a renowned energy, and felt so uplifted. The next day, Sunday, I was confirmed and was then the newest member of the ward. What a glorious day.
A few months later, November, 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that made me realize there is so much more to life than I had thought. Not only had I cheated death, but I had the Lord supporting me. If that's not saying you're worth it, I don't know what is. The Lord has a plan for me, what that is I'm slowly but surely finding out.
The Lord knows me. How do I know? I know by firsthand experience. The Lord knows I'm a visual learner. He also knows I have put a lot of faith and trust into him. So He showed me during my accident that He was there to support and love me. They initially said I wouldn't make it out alive, and if I did I wouldn’t: walk, talk, or eat, seeing as how I had the same injuries as Christopher Reeves (Superman) had. They continued to say this when I got pneumonia, and even going from the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) to ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I very rapidly went from ICU to the Rehab Center in Murray at IMC. I was doubted (not for the reason to doubt, but so people wouldn't get their hopes up). I NEVER once had a doubt. I NEVER once complained. I was tired, but that didn't matter to me, I wanted to go home and finish paving my path. The Lord was with me every step of the way toward recovery. He proved to me that I am worth it, and that he loved me. To this day I know without him I wouldn’t be who I am.
I'm also a tool in the Lord's hands. With my accident it made my uncle believe in a higher power. This is something I never thought would ever happen with our time on this Earth. Every bad thing that happens to me makes me know that I'm a tool in His hands. I'm here to do "His will". People have to learn lessons, and the Lord knows I can handle stressful situations and trauma. I think it's really neat that he puts so much trust in me.
Our plan instead of looking at it individually needs to be looked at as a whole. You are one speck, but a VERY important speck. I have the ability to see the bigger picture, and the Lord has granted me with this blessing. As I've opened my heart, and mind to him through the past four-in-a-half years of being a member, He has blessed me so much, and I can only imagine what else He has in store for me.
In 2009 I fell away from the church, sadly. I started taking courses at the University of Utah's College of Social Work. In this I ran from the church because I didn't understand it (the Churches was of thinking). I didn't understand why the church thought certain things (nor did I pray or search for guidance). I didn't know how I would combine my religious values and my social work values so I ran from the problem instead of facing it. I continued to obtain my education, (2 more semesters to go!!!) and then I wrote a paper of which I can share with you if you'd like: How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values?
While I was away from the church the Lord never left me. He was there when I needed him and let me grow like any parent would. He always seemed to protect me from myself sometimes. I started to take part in sinful like activities, yet He still loved me. It was like I was running from Him, and like any parent, He wouldn't stop loving me.
As I was gallivanting in my own little world I never once thought the things I was doing were bad. When I prayed and asked him, I felt a sense of disapproval, but I never lost that love factor. When I finally decided to repent, the week before this I prayed to Him, and apologized, and asked for His forgiveness. When I went to my bishop I felt a sense of understanding, not a sense of disappointment. The Lord through the Bishop gave me guidance. The kind of guidance I needed, and wanted, and what has helped me become the person I am in the church at this point in my life.
I don't regret anything. Regretting things only makes you feel bad and unworthy beyond belief. Throughout my whole entire journey the biggest thing I learned is that, God is Love and God is Life. Without Him I wouldn’t have discovered what true happiness is. But you must go through hard times to really enjoy the good times. I do not give him all of the praise, I praise myself as well. “I stand ready to help, but you must invite me in.” If I wouldn’t have invited him I know with the kind of person I am He wouldn’t have tried, though he still would have loved.
Alma 32:21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not see, which are true. This scripture is the one I hold closest to my heart. It’s one I luckily didn’t have to go through in the beginning (He proved He was real by showing me as He helped me through my accident), now I no longer have to see to believe. I just have to have faith.
