Latest Letter to my love :)

Abraham,

               
"Never say that someone completes you. We have to feel whole even when we are by ourselves. For needing a certain someone is not love, but dependency. Wanting a person to become a part of your life is the best reason for having them there. So, rather than search for the someone who will complete you, wait for the person that will compliment your completeness."

          I found this quote and couldn’t agree more. As I’ve gone through life, my short life, I’m beyond content by myself. I know how to maneuver throughout the world. Physically as in living on my own, being independent, doing what needs to get done. Mentally as in being able to carry myself about, in the world with all the troubles that lie on my shoulders. I never for a minute have not wanted you by my side. What’s important and what I’ve learned with you away is that it’s not a dependent relationship and that is what makes me very happy.

          Every relationship, I’ve lived at home, and usually mentally I had been semi-dependent though the relationships were always co-dependent. That cannot work. My friend asked me why I know you are the one for me. I gave her the typical, “I love him. He makes me feel special. I don’t feel self-conscious. He makes me want to be better, everyday. Not to mention his values, morals and happiness.” But, now it’s more. Now it’s not just the way you are but the way I am. I am a part of why I love you. Honestly, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else. (Which can also go hand in hand with the original, “If you can’t love yourself no one else can love you” type quote.) Everyone is always worried about the other person loving them. You compliment me greatly, so I’ve been told. I’ve seen some but not as much as others, because all I was doing was “feeling”. Which is a great thing, but now I can see which is almost better.

          I’m going to be completely honest with you. When we first started to get to know each other (it feels like a blur at this point) I recall you mentioning something like I want whomever I’m dating to be the one, like you don’t want to waste time, etc. Well, I’ve been thinking if you were the one, if you could be the father of my children, if you could be my husband, etc. I’ve reached out to a few people, one lady said, "It’s different when you are married. It’s so different. She said especially with a person of color. You will get treated poorly." Which I told her I didn’t care. She said, "It will hurt your feelings. You will get so upset." She said, "Knowing you I would be afraid to cross you because of your education and where you’ve been and where you come from in this world." My feelings on this are, you are a strong African male. You know who you are. I am a strong American female and I know who I am. If this is the biggest worry I have I’ll take it. I’ll take all the discrimination in the world. Two beings who are strong in mind can handle most anything. Neither of us is narrow-minded, nor selfish, nor un-kind.

          I haven’t seen you with children, but with knowing where you’re from I’m sure you’re perfect with them. I’m done doubting anything. I think at this point it’s all up to you and what you want. Your happiness is just as important as mine. If I’m not it, that’s fine, because in the end if you’re not happy I won’t be happy.

                            Stay Strong. I miss and love you dearly,

                                              Kasi. xoxo

         

           

Poverty

Growing up middle class I never knew of this word. I never knew of it until I took Geography form Ms. Bradfield at Midvale Middle School in 9th grade. I wrote a paper on the "Poverty Cycle" and how it not only effects the current generation in poverty, but many generations in poverty to come. How it won't cease to end, without education, and without proper knowledge and guidance.

My brain then tends to diverge into why I was born here in America, and why I wasn't born in a third world country where poverty is predominant. I do not have an answer, I don't think I ever will.

My boyfriend, Abraham is from Ghana. He's only talked briefly about some experiences there. Most if not all have been good. He has never talked down on his Home Country. As I read this book by a woman from America that lived in Togo (a country in Africa) whom also has traveled to Ghana quite often. I start to see trends in his actions, ideas, and words with what she talks about.

They are loving people who would share their meal with you, even if they didn't have enough. She talks about how it's a very poor country, but you don't have to worry about pick-picketers much. She said Ghanaian people will do anything and everything for money. Seeing as how there are no jobs she always carries cedi notes with her and always tips at least two cedi's to people that help her even with the tiniest of things. Which is approx. $1.74 American, she said. Most are prideful and will not beg for money. Tourists which are pretty rare are where their money really comes to them. But, the y are too poor a country for many people to want to go there. I cannot wait for the rich culture and to just realize that there is much more to life when I go there. I can sit here at my computer and say it, and read about it, and imagine how great a place it is. But, I can't wait to experience it. The smiles, laughter, the happiness is what I crave. Ghanaian time, being late (by hours) because of traffic. Having a set schedule, but being alright with that schedule changing. Getting out of my American mind and throwing myself into something I've never experienced before.

Is it so disgusting that I crave to venture around the slave fortresses? I think this is where my white-guilt comes into play. I want to love them and apologize, though it wasn't my doing. This is a place that will almost be too strong for me to handle. I try reading up on it. I want to be prepared, but not many people write about it and when they do it isn't described much. They, the writers of books and articles on it say you must encounter it on your own. For this, I cannot wait.

In the end your wealth shouldn't define you. With that being said I think we need to go back to the "olden-days" which for some of you reading this aren't so olden. When credit wasn't on a plastic card. When love wasn't shown by money. When a hand-shake was what it took. I know I'll never get that in America. Good thing I've learned of a place where this is possible. Where everyone around you is on your side, and you don't have to constantly look over your shoulder. Ghana <3

Life is CRAZY!

My life has been so crazy lately. If it's not one thing it's another. The worst part in all the things going on my life is  this idea where I feel like I don't have many people I can turn to that will do anything and everything for me.

I am a woman and I know what I want. I am a nice woman. I am a sweet woman. I am an independent woman. I'm someone children love. I am someone strangers love. I'm someone who will forgive AND forget. I am an amazing best friend to those whom are my true and greatest friends. I have a lot of love and patience to offer to this beautiful world. For some reason I can't hold down a best friend, I've have about seven in my lifetime. I want a person that comes to your side in the middle of the night for even the silliest of things. Maybe in the end God will be the one. But for now, I'll be my own best friend. It's kind of nice not to rely on people, but when it comes down to it we're all social beings and we all need love.

Good thing for Stefanie. She's seriously one of the best people I've ever met in this world. <3 

Growing Up

Growing up:

Where you forget how to be a child.
Where you wish for things that once were.
When you have to give up things you never thought you would.

I never wished for much in life growing up except to be a grown up. Here I am, all grown up. The way I am is nicer than I expected. I'm more loving and accepting (due to my education). Though, it's not as fun as I thought it would be. Adults would tell me, don't wish to grow up, you'll regret it. Thanks for that! I only wish I had taken that advice more seriously.

I can't wait to give my children the same advice I was given. Though, I'm going to make sure they don't wish to be an adult too often. I want to provide them with much needed direction in order to be a kid until they have to grow up. I can't wait. :)

The Spirit

The Spirit

I've felt the spirit a lot at certain points in my life and in others not a lot at all.

One particular moment when I felt the spirit especially strong was when Elder Zeiner and Elder Goble asked me to pray. I did that day, and that day I discovered God. I had been reading my scriptures (not as much as they (the missionaries) had hoped, but as much as I could manage) and I had been praying (not the way I do now, but as best I could, then). I had been living as righteously as I knew how. I was 15. I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven. I didn't believe in anything, until that moment. When I said aloud the words of prayer I felt this feeling that overcame me stronger than anything ever has. I didn't know what this feeling was called, but I knew it was good.

My mom asked the missionaries to come and teach me, and that next week I went to church. Immediately I fell in love with what I now call my, "home ward". I had such beautiful people around me who treated me as their own. I went to church, and had the teachings for eight months. I asked my mom about two months into the teachings if I could be baptized, and she asked me to partake of the lessons, and go to church a little longer. I continued to do as she asked, and about five months into it I asked again. She again asked me to continue in my lessons, and so I did. When seven months into it I thought to myself, I need this church in my life. With it I will stay away from the peer-pressures that were and are so predominant in the world today. I then wrote each one of my immediate family members a letter. In each letter I wrote about separate entities, and were each written for that person and I's relationship. Finally my family was willing to let me get baptized.

The night before my baptism was a dark night. I had very negative thoughts, and ideas running through my mind. At one point I just cried. I cried so hard because I felt so trapped under what I would call a spell, a dark spell that I never want to be under again. The next morning was very glorious. It was a beautiful day and I felt better than I had in a long time.

My mom and some of my distant cousins were the only family present. I had Elder Zeiner baptize me. I felt so loved that Saturday, August, 4th 2007. After I was baptized I felt a renowned energy, and felt so uplifted. The next day, Sunday, I was confirmed and was then the newest member of the ward. What a glorious day. 

A few months later, November, 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that made me realize there is so much more to life than I had thought. Not only had I cheated death, but I had the Lord supporting me. If that's not saying you're worth it, I don't know what is. The Lord has a plan for me, what that is I'm slowly but surely finding out. 

The Lord knows me. How do I know? I know by firsthand experience. The Lord knows I'm a visual learner. He also knows I have put a lot of faith and trust into him. So He showed me during my accident that He was there to support and love me. They initially said I wouldn't make it out alive, and if I did I wouldn’t: walk, talk, or eat, seeing as how I had the same injuries as Christopher Reeves (Superman) had. They continued to say this when I got pneumonia, and even going from the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) to ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I very rapidly went from ICU to the Rehab Center in Murray at IMC. I was doubted (not for the reason to doubt, but so people wouldn't get their hopes up). I NEVER once had a doubt. I NEVER once complained. I was tired, but that didn't matter to me, I wanted to go home and finish paving my path. The Lord was with me every step of the way toward recovery. He proved to me that I am worth it, and that he loved me. To this day I know without him I wouldn’t be who I am.

I'm also a tool in the Lord's hands. With my accident it made my uncle believe in a higher power. This is something I never thought would ever happen with our time on this Earth. Every bad thing that happens to me makes me know that I'm a tool in His hands. I'm here to do "His will". People have to learn lessons, and the Lord knows I can handle stressful situations and trauma. I think it's really neat that he puts so much trust in me. 

Our plan instead of looking at it individually needs to be looked at as a whole. You are one speck, but a VERY important speck. I have the ability to see the bigger picture, and the Lord has granted me with this blessing. As I've opened my heart, and mind to him through the past four-in-a-half years of being a member, He has blessed me so much, and I can only imagine what else He has in store for me. 

In 2009 I fell away from the church, sadly. I started taking courses at the University of Utah's College of Social Work. In this I ran from the church because I didn't understand it (the Churches was of thinking). I didn't understand why the church thought certain things (nor did I pray or search for guidance). I didn't know how I would combine my religious values and my social work values so I ran from the problem instead of facing it. I continued to obtain my education, (2 more semesters to go!!!) and then I wrote a paper of which I can share with you if you'd like: How does one reconcile membership in a conservative religion while working with LGBT individuals and encompassing social work values? 

While I was away from the church the Lord never left me. He was there when I needed him and let me grow like any parent would. He always seemed to protect me from myself sometimes. I started to take part in sinful like activities, yet He still loved me. It was like I was running from Him, and like any parent, He wouldn't stop loving me.

As I was gallivanting in my own little world I never once thought the things I was doing were bad. When I prayed and asked him, I felt a sense of disapproval, but I never lost that love factor. When I finally decided to repent, the week before this I prayed to Him, and apologized, and asked for His forgiveness. When I went to my bishop I felt a sense of understanding, not a sense of disappointment. The Lord through the Bishop gave me guidance. The kind of guidance I needed, and wanted, and what has helped me become the person I am in the church at this point in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Regretting things only makes you feel bad and unworthy beyond belief. Throughout my whole entire journey the biggest thing I learned is that, God is Love and God is Life. Without Him I wouldn’t have discovered what true happiness is. But you must go through hard times to really enjoy the good times. I do not give him all of the praise, I praise myself as well. “I stand ready to help, but you must invite me in.” If I wouldn’t have invited him I know with the kind of person I am He wouldn’t have tried, though he still would have loved.

Alma 32:21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not see, which are true. This scripture is the one I hold closest to my heart. It’s one I luckily didn’t have to go through in the beginning (He proved He was real by showing me as He helped me through my accident), now I no longer have to see to believe. I just have to have faith.

I can't wrap my mind around the word: Divorce.

Love really isn't as strong as I once thought. 

Love requires a lot of things: trust, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and patience. I've seen marriages succeed, and marriages fail. Sometimes they just don't work out, and it makes sense, even though it sucks.  It's usually meant to be that way, the divorcee and the divorced both end up finding someone in the end who strengthens them more than the divorcee or divorced, thought was possible.

We as human beings get comfortable and stay where we are, and in this situation it makes perfect sense. You don't want to leave this person whom you may have spent 2, 10, 20 or even 30 years with. There may be kids involved, materials both you and the other person have obtained, money, and I guess all assets. It's hard.

Communication and Honesty are the two biggest parts of "falling-in-love", I think. Just my own experiences of failed love and my succession with love. Failed love lacks the communication and honesty whereas; succession with love has so much communication and honesty.

The days of staying with the person no matter what has come and gone, and life changes so quickly. I of course have not been married, but think it's a huge possibility for me and Ab. The question that stands in my head is will it last? I'm not saying that because I doubt us, but because I've seen marriages I never thought would fail, fail. I used to say I refuse to let my marriage fail, but I think that's something that's uncontrollable. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but is the other person willing as well? If you bury the hatchet for years and years eventually there is no hope. So, all I can do is be overly honest and communicate everything in order to insure I've done all I can do.

Love is amazing. Love is beautiful. Love is life.


Psychologist Robert Sternberg made up the Triangular Theory of Love.

• Nonlove 'refers simply to the absence of all three components of love. Nonlove characterizes the large majority of our personal relationships, which are simply casual interactions'.^[3]

• Liking/friendship is 'used here in a nontrivial sense. Rather, it refers to the set of feelings one experiences in relationships that can truly be characterized as friendship. One feels closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment'.^[4]

• Infatuated love: 'infatuation results from the experiencing of passionate arousal in the absence of intimacy and decision/commitment...like Tennov's limerance'.^[5] Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

• Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and develop into another form, indicating 'how empty love need not be the terminal state of a long-term relationship...[but] the beginning rather than the end'.^[6]

• Romantic love 'derives from a combination of the intimate and passionate components of love...romantic lovers are not only drawn physically to each other but are also bonded emotionally'^[7] - bonded both intimately and passionately, but without sustaining commitment.

• Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. 'This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present'^[8] but where a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

• Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage - 'fatuous in the sense that a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate involvement'.^[9]

• Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.” According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.^[10] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die".^[11] Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

The above picture and "explanation" is from wikipedia. :) 

It's as simple as that.

As I sit in my cute little apartment filled with T.I. blaring and my cute little fire-place turned on, I can't help but miss my love. Yesterday I missed his phone call. I cannot tell you how low my heart sunk. I bet it was all the way on the floor. I just started to cry. I seem to have a crying problem lately, yesterday in particular. I was very emotionally confused yesterday. I think internally my mind knows more than my body knows. 


Yesterday at lunch with my colleagues and best friends we started talking about entering the LDS Temple. Now, I don't feel worthy. I know what any member would say, "that's the devil telling you that you aren't worthy", but it's more than that! It's me knowing that when swear words pass my lips I'm not worthy, when I listen to trashy music I am not worthy, etc. People say that doesn't matter ... but to me, it does. I want to be as perfect as a human being can be. I don't think it's setting the bar too high, for I want to achieve great things and make the Lord proud of me. I would rather be at his feet defending my reason for not going, than have him tell me I shouldn't have entered. It's as simple as that.