The journey that will never be forgotten.

I remember the day I got my Halo off -  December 26th 2007 it was first thing in the morning.

The day before my halo was extremely loose. I spent the night (Christmas Night) with pillows under my chin on the back of the red recliner in my wheelchair. Blood was streaming from the sites where it was screwed into my skull and every time I moved I was in such excruciating pain. Getting into my mom's van that morning was the worst and then the drive was horrible, which also seemed like hours. When I got back in a room Dr. Patel came in really excited and said well, "Kasandra you know what this means? This means that all the swelling has gone down and you no longer need this halo. First, he put on a neck brace because I hadn't used any neck muscles since November 14th 2007. After this I don't remember much of the taking off except for the pressure. But what I had gone through, this was minimal pain.

I remember the day I got my neck brace off - February 4th 2008, it was mid-day (and my 17th birthday).

These two days were the best days of my life.

On November 14th 2007 around 11:00 am I was in a car accident that left me dead on the scene. I had a broken neck, broken pelvis, broken ribs, fractures in my back, and brain trauma. I was in SICU, moved to ICU and then to Rehab in Murray, Utah at IMC. I'm beyond blessed for Dr. Alpesh Patel and Dr. Erik Kubiak not to mention the trauma team, life flight, Pat Killian, all my friends, family, acquaintanceships, thoughts and prayers not to mention my own guardian angel whoever that may be.

I Love You

When someone says I love you it's those three words that mean most to a lot of people. Love is different depending on who is using it. If it's your grandma or grandpa you know they mean it. If it's your brother or sister you know they usually mean it unless, they want something. When your parents say I love you, you know they mean it. Or else you are about to get a talk about something. 

I love a lot of things; football, fall, music, social work, people, working out, dr. pepper, water, food, ice cream, chocolate, cookies, rainbows, dogs, the color yellow and the color red, cleaning, perfume, sun glasses, shopping, purses, shoes, cute jeans, cute outfits, jewelry, when I have a great hair day, money, flowers, etc. 

But love, the romantic love . . . I don't think I've honestly ever been in love. If I was ever truly in love with someone wouldn't I have remembered? I don't remember many guys I've dated. It could be do to the trauma to my brain but it could be that I never really was into them. When you love someone you genuinely want the best for that person, I've wished horrible things on some boyfriends. These boyfriends I had said I love you to so I just don't think I was ever really in love. I want to be a snot and act like it makes me sick when I see others hugging, kissing and holding hands in public but it just makes me melt. I adore it. 

Next Goal In Life pt. 1

I want to find a beautiful masterpiece that depicts my life. My drawings/paintings/sketches when I was little were cute and I still draw just like that little kid. In middle school I took art classes from Mr. Rogers out in the shop and I wasn't any better then that little kid. I quickly shifted to choir, where I met some of the best people in the world. Even though I cried before most performances because of nerves I LOVED it more than anything. In high school I continued my choir adventure though it ended when I went to Itineris my junior year. I missed it terribly. I told myself when I got to the U I needed to join their choir. The problem is I don't remember how to read music, I haven't read music since my sophomore year and I would just fail miserably. So, at this point I'm thinking since I have long forgotten how to play the guitar and keyboard, I can't sing, I can't write, I can only draw like a little kid I need to make myself a masterpiece or FIND this masterpiece that depicts my life. I'm searching high and low and my soul is too!

You go hide and I'll come seek and maybe someday in the middle we just might meet.

"You don't get to choose, you just fall."

Maybe he means a little more to me than most people, too soon. But they say lust does crazy things to you, they also say love makes you do even crazier things. Going against what everyone says you're supposed to do. Being happy every second of everyday, even when you're sick. To never get tired of a person after being so alone for so long, that says something. After me and Breanna were no longer friends that's when I had to realize it's okay to be alone, and not alone in terms of depression. But alone; I had to learn how to listen to music on my own, sing on my own, dance on my own, get coffee on my own, go on my own little adventures, just learn how to be a person of my own. All's I can say is he's amazing and he's making me feel alive. If this lasts a month, a year or 100 years I'm willing to fight for it. I'm willing to be all he needs. 

I won't deny that I'm a little scared, and that I still have some guards up, but wouldn't I be stupid not to? I think he's scared to. In fact I know he's scared, why should he be? He would be stupid not to be scared. Love is a scary thing but once he knows it, and once I know it I think that's going to be the most beautiful part. Until we both know, I will enjoy this ride. At least I know this time he won't hurt me just for fun. He's an adult, an actual man. A man I know that would actually take care of me if that's what it came down to, even this soon. Though, he knows I don't need his help he still offers and even brought me food today because I'm sick and can't keep much down. He's a sweet-heart, he's articulate, romantic, smart, genuine and polite. I appreciate him for who he is and love that he let me in so easily. 

I'm in fate's hands. And for once, I'm fine with it. 

Legitimate Fears

The Dark - Nyctophobia
I own night lights. I'm content with admitting this. I even have to turn every light on in the apartment before going to bed. Then I turn one by one out, which lead to my bedroom. Before I can turn my bedroom one out I check under my bed and my closets. I don't think it's a matter of the dark but it's what could be in the dark. 


Failure - Atychiphobia
I think it's more that I'm a perfectionist and I don't want anyone to see my flaws. If you fail, to me, it seems as though someone is lazy. Especially in the cases where I have actually failed. I don't like lazy people so, me failing is everyone knowing I'm lazy.


Dancing - Chorophobia
I only know the shower dance. I learned it at Asheleigh's Quince. I did it at every dance I ever went to in high school. At Senior Prom (at (Itineris it was senior and junior prom, but it was my senior year) Sam Fisher tried teaching me how to Waltz, scariest thing I ever did!


Flooding - Antlophobia
In Utah all they keep talking about is flooding. I see what's going on in Tennessee and Mississippi and I'm so scared that's going to happen. I'm not worried about the deaths. I'm worried about everything I've worked so hard for being demolished. And what would I do for school?


Spiders -Arachnophobia
In previous blog's I've spoken about encounters with spiders. They FREAK me out. I see them in my shower all the time. It's like they see me and run because they know it's only a matter of time before bleach is going to be poored on them, they're going to be washed down the drain or I'm putting a shoe on to squash them.


Bad Breath - Halitophobia
I'm constantly chewing gum. I'm so worried my breath stinks, it's not even funny. If I ask you if you want a piece it's not because I think your breath stinks (usually) but because I think my breath might stink. So don't get too offended. 

Never Give Up

Tonight my mother graduated. She went to school to become a dental assistant. She always thought she was stupid. She always thought she wasn't ever going to do any higher education. But she did it. You know all those commercials mid-day from ITT-Tech, Etc, when they say, "If I can do it, you can do it!"? Well, it's true with my mom. If she can do it anyone can do it. I'm not saying this because she's not good enough but because of everything and everyone being against her. It's as if people didn't want to see a person who screwed up her life multiple times, succeed. That's a strong woman. I cried. I actually cried for my mother because she was so proud of herself. That emotion I felt doesn't even have a word and proud is not even close.

A speaker spoke as they do at every graduation, and he said. Never give up about a million times in his speech. It stuck to me. He said you're going to hit brick walls. I already have so many times. Not only was he speaking to those college graduates but he was speaking to me whether he knew it or not. I have another year (four semesters) until I will graduate with my bachelors. Maybe longer if I go for my masters . . . I'm going to never give up. Like he also said, "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." It's true, our brains are so powerful.

Even if life sucks I just have to put on a dress and twirl and it makes everything so much better. <3

One Day My Prince Will Come

Well, here I am with my heart in even smaller pieces. Why do I trust so much? I mean really? I think it's a gene I got when I was born. More like a curse. What sucks even more, is it's going to happen again. And I can't stop it from happening.

One day my prince will come, until then I'll wait.