Currently

In 8 days I begin the last first day of my Undergraduate degree. I will be an intern, doing an internship with The Dixon Girls. I will be a mentor for many young women, for women from all different backgrounds, cultures, ages, and current situations. I am so happy, excited, and thrilled. I know that this will be a great opportunity for me.

At this time my thoughts go to how my 5 year plan is almost up. I have a mear four months until that 5 year plan is over with.

Graduate from high school.
Obtain my CNA.
Graduate from SLCC w/ my Associate of Science.
... Graduate from the U of U with my BSW (Bachelor of Social Work).

I will have my BSW, then what? That is where I am in my life right now. Do I go international? Do I stay in America? Do I stay in Utah? Do I become a personal trainer? Do I follow the U of U football team around for the rest of my life? I'm 21, and have far too many choices, decisions.

This I know, and believe to be true:

“It is not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for all of mankind.” 
― Mike Norton

:)

" In your case, dying isn't the best revenge."

So, I love Grey's Anatomy if  people hadn't figured that out. I follow the series, and I am currently watching the series from the beginning of Season I. As I was watching Season II  this above quote was said. As I listened, as I thought, and contemplated I thought - as my life continues, I often wonder if dying wouldn't make my life easier. Not a suicide type of dying, but just a random death. Random thoughts like, why didn't I die back in 2007? Why didn't I die when I went under again in 2010, why didn't I die in the other three car accidents I have been in? Why haven't I just peacefully fallen in a constant sleep while sleeping? I don't know if it is just me, or if these are more common thoughts by the populace. 

As the show continued I, and as my day has continued I have thought more about the quote and realized dying isn't the best revenge toward life. The best revenge is to live it, and live it well, with dignity, with my head held high. With love, and compassion for my fellow human beings, and animals. 

Life is beautiful, and I am going to live it the way God would intend me to live it. Happily, fulfilling the people and animal's lives on this planet which are in need of me, my abilities, my skills and my life. 

xoxo,

:)

L I F E .

First you're a child, not understanding life. 

Then you're a teenager, rebellious toward things/people who hold authority.

Then you're a young adult, realizing that those things/people who held authority were correct.

Next, you're at a stage in life which is HARD, negative things happen MORE and MORE often than you can PLAN. You are lonely, and just want someone to take away all the pain and heartache. You are sad, you are mad, you are glad. The cycle just repeats. 

Hearts become broken, and searching for "love" goes nowhere. Not stopping to search, and not stopping the search. Wanting people to pay attention, yet not being an attention seeking whore is hard at this stage of life. Just wanting someone to look you in the eyes and say, "I know what you're going through. I know it is hard, but it does get better!" 

Trying to stay on the path of righteousness. Having faith that the path you are on, is the correct one. Having faith that life is going to get better, and that life is going to bring you much happiness. No longer wanting life to be perfect, just good enough so you can be happy. 

Life has been one of the most challenging experiences. 

Life has been one of the most beautiful experiences.

Life has given me many treasures.

Life has given me a lot of loop holes.

Life has given me a reason to live it to the fullest.

Life doesn't just happen.

Life makes you realize there has to be a bigger picture.

I have finally figured out this bigger picture, 

thanks to many people in my life who love me, and whom I love and adore. 

The Thought Process

Why aren't people as loving as they should be?

Why aren't people as accepting as they should be?

Why aren't people kind like they should be?

I understand people have different experiences in life. These experiences determine people's thoughts and opinions. These experiences either make you "better" or "bitter". These experiences make you either enjoy your ride in life, or hate your ride in life. They help you become who you are! 

Love life, dance in the rain, and never forget to smile. Even if you are sad, smiling will get you through it.

The Love of a Child

The idea that a little girl who I could have been a mentor toward passed away, and her mother and father will be burying her on Tuesday.

The idea that a young boy who I could have been a big sister toward passed away, and his mother and father had to bury him under two weeks ago.

The act of me holding it together through losing two special people to me; or what could have been special, but know now never will be. 

The act of breaking down over two people I hardly knew; but would have been part of their lives a lot more than they knew, or maybe a lot more than I know now.

I want to be strong. I will. I want to be weak. I will. I want to be me. I will. 

In memory of baby Annabelle Lee 

I am blessed to have the truth I do in my life to help calm my heart in this crazy sea of emotions. My heart goes out to Lacy Griffin & Bryan Markham, especially. It is refreshing to know that perfect people like Annabelle come here to bless our lives, even in such a short amounts of time. Heavenly Father is mindful of everyone that Annabelle touched. My constant prayer is that you two can both see this as a blessing, and not a loss. You will see your darling baby girl again, that I can assure you. I love you both dearly ♥.

Now that I am older

I have thoughts that should clearly be kept to myself, but we all know that never happens.

The older I get in every aspect from physical to spiritual I feel both a sense of disconnect and composure. Two opposite things, I know, but think about how that really does work.

I grew up in a family where we didn't have any religious background, until I was 16, which I found on my own. That has now really led me to where I am. Without my religious faith I wouldn't be where I am, and I am blessed beyond belief for it. Without my religious faith I believe I would have gone down a path I would have never wanted for myself at this point. I can only see this now that I am older.

I grew up in a family where meat was the staple food, and a heaping side of: potatoes, rice, or noodles was on the side with possibly some vegetables. We didn't really any fresh fruit, etc. I have not always been the size that I am, but even before I wasn't healthy. My family would call me fat and tell me to go on diets. Not only were they not giving me proper nutrition, but at night I would hoard food and eat a lot, which made it ten times worse. At this point I still "sneak food" from my own cupboards. It's a problem, but at this point I "sneak" granola bars, apples, and bananas. So, it is not as big of a deal. I can only see this now that I am older. 

I grew up in a family where hard work paid off. I have worked since I was 12 years old. I had two jobs at one point where I would waitress, and do janitorial work at my middle school. I wanted a cell phone, so that meant I had to pay for it. I wanted clothes from the mall, so that meant I had to pay for them. I wanted to wear make-up, so that meant I had to pay for it. I am blessed beyond belief, because it taught me how to save my money, and now as an adult living on my own I do fairly well for the pay I receive. I can only see this now that I am older.  

I grew up in a family where you were opinionated. My grandma was loud, and had an opinion, and that is where I learned to form an opinion. At first I took all these opinions and adopted them to be my own, then as I grew older, started college, and venturing out into the world I have grown my own opinions. I think this is one of the points in life. I know a lot of people who stay very neutral, and it drives me crazy because I am going to share my opinion. Unfortunately, this has gotten me into some trouble off and on, but I cannot help who I am. At this point it does cause tension because I am VERY progressive, VERY liberal, and for women-rights, for gay-rights, pro immigrant-rights, etc. And a lot of people cannot handle that. But, anyone who is not alright for people to have the same rights, needs to loose theirs, just for an hour and see how it feels. I can only see this now that I am older.

I grew up in a family where women were second to a man. My uncle has always been number one in my grandma and grandpa's eyes. My brother has always been number one in my grandma and grandpa's eyes. This is all I ask, which is fairly simple, but extremely difficult to obtain: equality. Equality for men and women. For people not to say: oh, that's a woman's job! No, men can make their own damn sandwich, men can make their own damn lunch, men can do the dishes, men can sweep, mop, and vacuum. Men can do the same things women do! Then, men say, for example, "You're a feminist, then come out here and wash concrete . . . you couldn't do it . . . oh, no you couldn't . . . and a feminist would." Uhm, excuse me, you chose to have that job for a living, not me. I chose to go to college, I chose to get an education, I chose to be higher than you. Until you treat me like an equal, and make up for the past 21 years of treating me like a lesser, I will consider myself better than you for bettering myself, and bettering my future. I can only see this now that I am older.

At this point in my life I look at all these things and realize they are why I am the way I am today. They are "my truth", so it doesn't mean that they are accurate, or correct, even if I may think that may be the case. I am the kind of person who accepts, loves, and lives by faith, and faith alone. With faith comes hope, with hope comes everything else. I hope for a future where my hypothetical children, cousins, nieces and nephews can live in a world with love, and happiness. Sure, I want them to face trials, but trials that life throws at them not trials that people choose to make up and throw at them. 

Burying Babies

I have had one of the most  emotional  draining weeks of my life. I don't know how I have made it out alive.

From losing a child whom I was looking forward to getting to know more . . . and knowing he wasn't my brother yet, but that he is my brother now. I won't cry any longer, I will live my life like none other. I will live my life as an example to those around me. I will live.

I have come to the conclusion that I will be cremated. I will not be buried, and I will not have an open casket funeral.              

I went up to his casket, and prayed to see his chest rise. I prayed for his eyes to open. I prayed for him to wake up, and say, 'just kidding!' But, none of that happened. It was almost traumatic, because he was a kid. A kid had passed away, I almost didn't believe it. But, I do now. And I know he is in a much better place, but I am blessed beyond words to have realized what I want . . . no funeral. Just a celebration. 

Upside Down by Jack Johnson was a song played at his funeral, and it fits Hunter perfectly. <3 RIP little bud, I'll see you in Heaven.